How Can I Stand Here With You...

This video makes me cry everytime I watch it. So beautiful...

The Hour Has Come For the Son of Man To Be Glorified

"The hour has come for the Son of Man to be glorified. Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit. Whoever loves his life loses it, and whoever hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life. If anyone serves me, he must follow me; and where I am, there will my servant be also. If anyone serves me, the Father will honor him.
Now is my soul troubled. And what shall I say? 'Father save me from this hour'? But for this purpose I have come to this hour. Father glorify your name.' Then a voice came from heaven: 'I have glorified it, and I will glorify it again.' The crowd that stood there and heard it said that it had thundered. Others said, 'An angel has spoken to him.' Jesus answered, 'This voice has come for your sake, not mine. Now is the judgment of this world; now will the ruler of this world be cast out. And I, when I am lifted up from the earth, will draw all people to myself.' He said this to show by what kind of death he was going to die."

I read these words this morning and my heart just longed to hear Jesus' voice. Sometimes I forget how carefully spoken and so full of love his words are. I can read them or skim over them but for Jesus speaking, every word is filled with the intensity of pure love for the purpose of reaching my heart. I understood that this morning as I read his words, spoken after his triumphal entry and his praises still ringing in the air...

The hour has come for the Son of Man to be glorified...

What is Jesus starting to talk about here? I imagine the way a parent gets somber and hushed when about to break some sad news to his child. Atleast that is the way I felt this morning listening to Jesus speak to me these words. As the words began to unfold about life coming from death, these child-like suspicions began rising up within me...I know what Jesus is about to say. Jesus doesn't ask to be saved though but rather says, "Father glorify your name." The Father answers from heaven, "I have glorified it, and I will glorify it again." This is so beautiful...it is the voice of the Father giving up His Son in order to bring glory. Have you ever watched an old couple lost in loving conversation or a parent and child in a loving embrace? I have too and many times while looking on, I have this longing of wanting to be a part of that love and in the midst of it. I feel the same way reading the Father and the Son conversing aloud so that we can hear. It began to dawn on me as I read this that the Son was about to give up his life so that I could be a part of that love. This totally floored me and broke my heart this morning...

"'And I, when I am lifted up from the earth, will draw all people to myself.' He said this to show..."

At this point in the reading, I jerked my face away from the page and began sobbing. My heart cried out in tears, "I know, I know, I know! I know why. It's because...because he is about to die..." Eventually I looked back at the page and read the words to confirm my feelings.

"He said this to show by what kind of death he was going to die."

Somehow knowing these words were coming ahead of time made it even harder to read. I am so thankful now that Christ has given his life and that he stands in heaven pleading and praying for me but to imagine hearing it right before it was about to happen left me in awe and disbelief. How could someone so beautiful and full of love give his life for me? How can it be that I am in the midst of such pure and beautiful love as there is between the Father and Son?
This is why I want to give my life for Christ and why the words of an old hymn say,

Love so amazing, so divine
demands my soul, my life, my all.

"Whoever loves his life loses it, and whoever hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life."

You Are The One I Want

So goes the refrain of a song I have been listening to called "Arithmetic" by Brooke Fraser. It resonates so deeply with my heart's cry in the midst of all the things that are trying to distract me. I think the first thing that really drew in to the song was the verse that goes...

I've been counting up all my wrongs
one sorry for each star
I'd apologize my way to You
if the heavens stretched that far
'Cause you are the one I want
You are the one I want.

So great are my wrongs toward the lover of my soul. The beautiful part though is when through forgiveness and God's grace, the stars in the sky change into an image of God's unending faithfulness and promises. Then instead of being overwhelmed by my inadequacy, I'm overwhelmed by the love of Christ and what he did for me. The last verse describes what I want my response to all this to be during my life.

When the years are showing on my face
and my my strongest days are gone.
When my heart and flesh depart this place
from a life that's sung your song.
You'll still be the one I want
You'll still be the one I want

I want to be old and look back and have had a life that has sung His song. I want it to have overwhelmed my life completely and swallowed it whole. Even today, there are distractions that pull on my heart but I feel the Spirit leading my heart as it cries, "I just want you, Jesus, just you. You are the one I want."

The Rhythm of the Southbound Train

I've been listening to Jon Foreman's song "Southbound Train" a lot lately and though it's hard to piece together what it all means I know that it has a lot to do with this deep longing to be home. And not just home, but home. Jon Foreman is realizing through everything he's describing in the song that all these rhythms are really leading him to heaven. They are all teaching him about home and where his true home is. It's funny when I was back in Va. Beach last week I remember having thoughts of not being sure if I wanted to be in heaven quite yet. Often the fellowship in my church feels so sweet that I am reluctant to want to leave it quite yet. Being up here in Rhode Island during the week has given me a more real perspective on my life back home and I'm coming to realize in my heart how much sweeter being in heaven and being with Jesus really is than anything in this world. That was something I think I remember praying for last week was that heaven and the thought of it would become sweeter to me.

As I went down on my knees to pray today I was filled with this longing just to be with Jesus. It was like I was tired of wanting to be anywhere else, even my church, and I just wanted Him. I think the wonderful thing is that it is the church that will spending eternity together with Christ as his bride. Christ is the living cornerstone and we are all living stones being built around him. I think the only thing that could be more wonderful than the homesickness for heaven that I felt while praying today would be to feel that deep homesickness together with my church. That is something new for me to pray for...

In The Palm Of Your Hand

I'm sitting in Starbucks in Newport, Rhode Island and I've been surprised by the music that they play. Much of the Christmas music that they play is religious and just now the song, "In The Palm Of Your Hand' came on by Alison Krauss. I have loved the song for so many years and it was so beautiful to recognize it almost as soon as it started playing. I love the words so much.

If I could have the world and all it owns
A thousand kingdoms, a thousand thrones
If all the earth were mine to hold
With wealth my only goal

I'd spend my gold on selfish things
Without the love that Your life brings
Just a little bit more is all I'd need
'Til life was torn from me

I'd rather be in the palm of Your hand
Though rich or poor I may be
Faith can see right through the circumstance
Sees the forest in spite of the trees
Your grace provides for me

If I should walk the streets no place to sleep
No faith in promises You keep
I'd have no way to buy my bread
With a bottle for my bed

But if I trust the One who died for me
Who shed His blood to set me free
If I live my life to trust in You
Your grace will see me through

So wonderful to hear a song sitting in Starbucks that is so exalting of Christ and that he shed his blood to set us free.

Where It's Warm

Lately I have been looking forward to the coming autumn and winter. One reason is of course that I will finally be at home and surrounded by those I love the most. Besides that though, I love autumn and winter the most in themselves. The frigid cold weather always awakens a need to go where it is warm. It is warm inside your home with your friends and family. It is warm when you eat together and talk together and sing together. It is warm when you crawl into bed after such evenings and feel cozy with your sheets wrapped around you and the voices of your friends and family still ringing softly in your ears. And the colder it is, the more you appreciate and love the warmth that these things bring.

I was thinking how this is the same with my experience spiritually all year round. The coldness of the world surrounds me and chills me, trying its best to numb me of all feeling. I begin to lose sight of my sin and to forget altogether the warmth of the peace and joy that I have when I am close with my Savior. I must go inside where it's warm, that is, in my heart with Christ. As he comes alive there, He fills me and warms my whole being. And the colder it gets, the more I appreciate and love my time spent with him. This is why I love the autumn and the winter. A desire is awakened to seek the warmth of Christ in everything. I want the house in the picture above to be a picture of my heart, filled with warmth and light amidst the ice and snow of the world. I want it to be a place of rest and prayer where others are drawn to come and find the love of Christ dwelling there.

I think of Maltbie Babcock who would tell people before his long walks that he was going to see his Father's world. He wrote one of my favorite hymns that has been in my head lately. Its' powerful tune and lyrics have been providing such warmth to my heart and have been sending me inside my heart to spend time with my Savior. I always imagine this hymn being played on a piano in a warm living room with snow falling outside.

This is my Father’s world, and to my listening ears
All nature sings, and round me rings the music of the spheres.
This is my Father’s world: I rest me in the thought
Of rocks and trees, of skies and seas;
His hand the wonders wrought.

This is my Father’s world. O let me ne’er forget
That though the wrong seems oft so strong, God is the ruler yet.
This is my Father’s world: the battle is not done:
Jesus Who died shall be satisfied,
And earth and Heav’n be one.

Not Happy Where I Was

God, who has given them grace and a new heart, and a new nature, has deprived them of all excuse if they do not live for His praise. This is a point which is far too much forgotten. A man who professes to be a true Christian, while he sits still, content with a very low degree of sanctification (if indeed he has any at all), and coolly tells you he "can do nothing," is a very pitiable sight, and a very ignorant man. Against this delusion let us watch and be on our guard. The Word of God always addresses its precepts to believers as accountable and responsible beings. If the Saviour of sinners gives us renewing grace, and calls us by His Spirit, we may be sure that expects us to use our grace, and not to go to sleep. J.C. Ryle

Something I have realized in a marked way recently is that I'm never happy where I was as I experience sanctification. Neither am I happy when I am sitting still. I am most happy and filled with joy when I am moving forward. I used to regularly compromise my faith grievously by going out and drinking with friends in high school and during my first two years of college. Since then, the few times I have drifted back in that direction, I have been thoroughly miserable. Recently in a more subtle area of my life, I have sporadically dabbled in listening to secular music again to the point where my heart is distracted by it. Having countless times committed myself to greater purity in the music I listen to, each time I go back to the place where I was once quite content, I have found myself unsatisfied and hungry for music filled with the substance and fragrance of Christ.

As obedient children, do not be conformed to the passions of your former ignorance, but as he who called you is holy, you also be holy in all your conduct, since it is written, "You shall be holy, for I am holy." 1 Peter 1:14-16

Isn't it always amazing how closely and perfectly the Holy Spirit uses scripture to touch our hearts and address our struggles? Peter is crying out to his Christian friends, Don't go back, even for a moment. Move forward. Take God's grace and his promises and move forward. Be holy as he is holy. And how spotless and pure that holiness is, I cannot imagine. I have been taking steps back recently and have found myself unsatisfied, unhappy, and without joy. J.C. Ryle points me in the right direction. If the Saviour of sinners gives us renewing grace, and calls us by His Spirit, we may be sure that expects us to use our grace, and not to go to sleep.

A song I listened to recently by Hillsong has been pointing me in this direction as well.

Let now the weak say I have strength
By the Spirit of power that raised Christ from the dead
And now the poor stand and confess
That my portion is Him and I'm more than blessed

You asked your Son to carry this
The heavy cross, our weight of sin
I give my life to honor this
The love of Christ, the Saviour King

This is my repsonse to what Christ did for me. I give my life to honor this. The love of Christ, the Saviour King.

He that supposes works are of no importance, because they cannot justify us, is a very ignorant Christian. Unless he opens his eyes, he will find to his cost that if he comes to the bar of God without some evidence of grace, he had better never have been born. J.C. Ryle

Let us take God's grace and run together with all our hearts. One day we will stand together before God's throne the workmanship of Christ, His Spirit, and His endless grace. Surely there will be no greater joy than on that day.

Hope Fully On Grace

Justifying faith is a grace that "worketh not" but simply trusts, rests, and leans on Christ (Rom. 4:5). Sanctifying faith is a grace of which the very life is action: it "worketh by love," and, like a main-spring, moves the whole inward man (Gal. 5:6). J.C. Ryle

I changed my blog title a little while ago to better indicate a change of focus in my life and my journalings. What I love about the verse in 1 Peter is that it connects grace with action. This idea has always seemed suspect to me since I have always been taught that we are saved by grace and not by works. After reading J.C. Ryle and particularly his quote above, I have learned that this is a different kind of grace that is being talked about in 1 Peter. It is sanctifying grace as opposed to justifying grace. The setting of our hope fully on God's grace is connected to the part earlier in the sentence which gives a prefix for the way or the context in which we are to set our hope fully on grace. "Therefore, preparing your minds for action, and being sober-minded..."

For the longest time I have been confused and largely ignorant of the distinction that Ryle makes in the quote above. I would read in so many passages how works count for nothing but then read in other passages that faith without works is dead, that we must run the race with perseverance, and that we must put on the full armour of God. All these latter images indicate that a great amount of striving and effort is required in following Christ. Sadly, so many times I would cease from such strivings for fear that I was being puffed up with pride and attempting to earn my salvation. It is a valid concern, no doubt, and perhaps it is very simply placed as one of the very first subjects of our striving, that is, for a child of God to train his mind not to let his strivings spill over into his view of his own justification and righteousness before God. Such righteousness is already secured by Christ and such a reality must be trained and secured in the mind. Once secure, it gradually becomes more of a joy to strive and work hard to fight sin, knowing that it is God's grace that supplies and sustains through it all. We become more amazed and humbled by God's grace the harder and longer that we work by love.

J.C. Ryle, when talking about past believers, points out that, "The more grace they have had, the more they have been "clothed with humility" (1 Pet. 5:5). Both justifying grace and sanctifying grace are equally humbling. Sanctifying grace, even as it requires my own actions, would not be possible or sustained without God's grace. The verse ends by telling us to set our hope fully on the grace that will be brought to us at the "revelation of Christ." Surely as we set our hope fully on this grace and experience it as we strive daily, we will experience the revelation of Christ more and more. This is where the verse comes back to the cross. No grace would be possible without Christ's perfect life and death on the cross. Our gaze never shifts from our Savior "who for the joy that was set before him, endured the cross" (Heb. 12:2) For the joy that is set before us, we will daily take up our crosses as well and be humbled as Christ, with all his overwhelming joy and peace, is revealed more and more in our lives.

"If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it. For what does it profit a man if he gains the whole world and loses or forfeits himself?" Luke 9:23-25

A Man Of One Thing

I am writing this post because I am not a man of one thing. I look inside my heart and realize that I am a man of many things. Jesus Christ, he was a man of one thing. I look inside my heart and find him there as well. Would that my heart would yield to him living his passionate and purposeful life in me. Yielding to him is my only hope and the following voices have been showing me how this yield actually takes place and what it looks like.

I listened to a sermon today where the pastor was giving a testimony about his mother and her love for Jesus Christ. She was a woman who treasured her time spent in prayer, especially the time at the beginning and end of each day which was spent without any distractions. The pastor said he once took her to the theatre to see a play. During the play, he saw that she looked troubled and so he leaned over and asked what was wrong. "When Jesus comes back, this is not where I want to be found." she said. Her words made me begin searching my heart. I realize some would call her extreme but in my heart as I heard this, I knew she was right and that I was merely hearing the words of someone who had taken the Bible seriously and had taken her love with Jesus Christ seriously. I hear a voice inside myself protest when I consider this woman's extremity. Then I realize that her words are not coming from a legalistic heart but that she is speaking purely out of her love to please her Savior. She is not missing out on any pleasure that I have. I am the one missing out on the pleasure that she has.

My reading in Luke coincided with this as I read about the parable of the sower. The seeds that don't end up bearing fruit fail because either the devil takes the word from their hearts, they have no root and wither in time of testing, or they are choked out by the cares and riches and pleasures of life. Do I want to grow and bear fruit? This is Jesus telling me what stands in my way. Do I want to get really serious about growing and bearing fruit? I need to obey him and do what he says! "As for that in the good soil, they are those who, hearing the word, hold it fast in an honest and good heart, and bear fruit with patience." This is the pastor's mother, holding the word fast in her heart. Her desire for pleasure has been so filled during her time spent each day in prayer with the Savior, it has left her no desire for the pleasures of the world. She is a woman of one thing.

I was convicted to write this post while reading J.C. Ryle, a man from what I read appears to be a man of one thing. My words are poor compared to his so I will let him speak.

I want to strike a blow at the lazy, easy, sleepy Christianity of these latter days, which can see no beauty in zeal, and only uses the word "zealot" as a reproach...
Zeal in religion is a burning desire to please God, to do his will, and to advance his glory in the world in every possible way. It is a desire which no man feels by nature, which the Spirit puts in the heart of every believer when he is converted, but which some believers feel so much more strongly than others that they alone deserve to be called "zealous" men.
The desire is so strong, when it really reigns in a man, that it impels him to make any sacrifice, to go through any trouble, to deny himself to any amount, to suffer, to work, to labour, to toil, to spend himself and be spent, and even to die, if only he can please God and honour Christ.
A zealous man in religion is pre-eminently a man of one thing. It is not enough to say he is earnest, hearty, uncompromising, thorough-going, wholehearted, fervent in spirit. He only sees one thing, he cares of one thing, he lives for one thing, he is swallowed up for one thing; and that one thing is to please God.

A Love For His Words

Why do you call me 'Lord, Lord' and not do what I tell you?
Luke 6:46

I have to say it has taken me this long to pick up the Bible and read one of the four Gospels and to sincerely treasure the words that Jesus speaks. Had I been tricked? Was I blinded my sin, namely pride? Or was I just lazy? I think it was a little or a lot of all these things. I would read and memorize verses and even chapters from Paul's letters and those of his fellow apostles but rarely would I read the words of Jesus in the four gospels unless, of course, a passage was referenced in one of the other books. I have been so prideful and so ignorant of my Savior. He lived his life and gave it freely that I might be set free and I have so sinfully ignored what he lovingly demands of my life.

I was recently convicted of this during a time when I failed to live out my faith. Falling short would not be an accurate depiction. Turning my back and wandering off would sum it up better. During my time of repentance, the Spirit graciously laid it on my heart to read through one of the gospels and one of the apostle's letters with the purpose of asking myself tough questions.

Is this really what you believe? Is it displayed in your life daily? If it's not, then why not? What's getting in the way? How could it be displayed more? If it is present in your daily life, is there a humility and joy that accompanies it?

These questions have helped reveal how serious I am about my faith and my joy-filled love for Jesus Christ. I have been reading in Luke, keeping in mind Psalm 19:7-10, and have been surprised by all that has been graciously shown to me so far. I can not write this post without saying that it is a pure joy and pleasure to read God's Word, namely the words of my Savior.

Today, reading in Luke 6, I read a verse that pretty much sums up why I am reading the Word with this purpose. Why do you call me 'Lord, Lord' and not do what I tell you? This was me and it still is in so many ways. Everyone who comes to me and hears my words and does them, I will show you what he is like... Jesus goes on to talk about the familiar image of building you house on the rock. I can't ignore Jesus' words and I can't ignore following them and expect to have a solid foundation. By loving and treasuring his commands in my thoughts and actions, I am fixing my life on a foundation that is unwavering and will carry me into eternity.

Pure, Enlightening the Eyes

The law of the Lord is perfect, reviving the soul; the testimony of the Lord is sure, making wise the simple; the precepts of the Lord are right, rejoicing the heart; the commandment of the Lord is pure, enlightening the eyes; the fear of the Lord is clean, enduring forever; the rules of the Lord are true, and righteous altogether. More to be desired are they than gold, even much fine gold; sweeter also than honey and drippings of the honeycomb.
Psalm 19:7-10

This is such a beautiful passage and it came to my mind today as I was reading 1 Peter. As I began reading 2:13 and on, I felt myself begin to squirm.

Be subject for the Lord's sake to every human institution...

Live as people who are free, not using your freedom as a cover-up for evil, but living as servants of God. Honor everyone. Love the brotherhood. Fear God. Honor the emperor.

These don't seem like very exciting verses to me and they certainly don't seem like verses I would meditate on. I began to search out why I was squirming as I read this and I thought to myself, Patrick, maybe you have problems submitting to authority. I thought this was probably true. The rest of the day I thought about this and what I noticed is that I don't mind submitting to those placed over me that I respect but when I don't respect the person and view myself as superior to them in some way, I quickly get an attitude with them. Sometimes I actually do make some sarcastic or dry comment to them or sometimes I just smile and pretend. Either way though, there is an ugly feeling that rises within my heart. As I noticed this, I thought about Psalm 19 and its descriptions of the Lord's commandments.

Perfect, reviving the soul. Sure, making wise the simple. Right, rejoicing the heart. Pure, enlightening the heart. Clean, enduring forever. True, and righteous altogether. Sweeter than honey.

These are not descriptions what I felt in the midst of my prideful attitude in resistance to authority. I realized that I was picking and choosing which commandments of the Lord that I thought were perfect, pure, and right. I was placing the Word under my own judgment instead of placing myself under its' judgment. As I reread the passage from 1 Peter again, this time as a loving commandment from the Lord meant to bring me joy, I realized that I could now submit to any authority joyfully for the Lord's sake. The passage goes on to consider Christ who came as the Savior and Servant King. The King of Kings submitted to earthly authority and was crucified on a cross for us. This is the beautiful Savior that I have given my life to follow and oh, what a joy to follow his example.

For to this you have been called, because Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example, so that you might follow in his steps. He committed no sin, neither was deceit found in his mouth. When he was reviled, he did not revile in return; when he suffered, he did not threaten, but continued entrusting himself to him who judges justly. He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness. By his wounds you have been healed. For you were straying like sheep, but have now returned to the Shepherd and Overseer of your souls.
1 Peter 2:21-25

With Melting Heart and Weeping Eyes

With melting heart and weeping eyes,
My guilty soul for mercy cries;
What shall I do, or whither flee,
To rid the vengeance due of me?
To rid the vengeance due of me?

Till late I saw no danger nigh,
I lived at ease nor feared to die;
Wrapped up in self-conceit and pride,
“I shall have peace at last,” I cried.
“I shall have peace at last,” I cried.

But when great God thy light divine,
Had shone on this dark soul of mine,
Then I beheld with trembling awe,
The terrors of Thy holy law.
The terrors of Thy holy law.

Should vengeance still my soul pursue,
Death and destruction are my due;
Yet mercy can my guilt forgive,
And bid this dying sinner live.
And bid this dying sinner live.

Does not Thy sacred word proclaim,
Salvation free in Jesus’ name?
To him I look and humbly cry,
“Lord, save a wretch condemned to die!”
“Lord, save this wretch condemned to die!”
“Lord, save this wretch condemned to die!”
-John Fawcett (1740-1817)

Good News Indeed

The gospel is good news indeed,
To sinners deep in debt;
The man who has no works to plead,
Will thankful be for it.

To know that when he’s nought to pay,
His debts are all discharged,
Will make him blooming look as May,
And set his soul at large.

How gladly does the prisoner hear,
What gospel has to tell!
‘Tis perfect love that casts out fear,
And brings him from his cell.

The man that feels his guilt abound,
And knows himself unclean,
Will find the gospel’s joyful sound,
Is welcome news to him.
-William Gadsby (1773-1884)

Yes! The man who has no works to plead, will thankful be for it! This hymn is amazing. Thank you William Gadsby for writing it! This resonated with my heart so much as I listened to it tonight here on the ship. It is not so much because it is what I have been experiencing lately but because it is what I have been needing to hear! Poor sinners deep in debt become like the blooming spring. Deserved prisoners are set free by perfect love. A man covered in the filth of sin and knows himself unclean is the one who hears most clearly the beautiful sound of the Gospel.

This is our welcome news. To know that we are unclean and guilty and to respond by seeking no refuge but in the grace bought for us at the cross.

Wes and RayRay

These are my roommates in Virginia Beach and also two of my favorite people ever. It's crazy to look back on when I first met Wes at the first church event I went to. He was standing in line to get food and I went to get in line to and started talking to him and told him some random story about a rubix cube. I started hanging out with people from our church shortly after and before long was spending late nights with Wes and Ray at Wes's old place. One night we talked until two in the morning and all three of us fell asleep in the middle of the conversation! Only to wake up at five in the morning and realize what had happened! We moved in together eventually but my restless heart couldn't help but set sail on the ocean blue to find myself. Well, I did end up finding myself out here and what I found was someone who misses being home! I am so thankful though for their friendship and can't wait to see them again.
Well, let's see. My favorite things about them. Wes likes a lot of the same music I do and Ray loves to make fun of it. Wes likes to make puzzles and also enjoys cooking bacon in the morning. Ray is easy to love and has a genuine and honest heart that comes out especially when he prays. He hates Count Chocula with a passion and is determined not eat the box of it that has been in his pantry for the past five months. He also claims to hate Spongebob Monopoly but I have a picture of him counting his money and smiling after people kept landing on his Krusty Krabs! Mostly though, I love the fact that I can do anything with them and have fun just being with them. They are truly a gift from God in my life.
Wes and Ray, I love you all and know that there are countless prayers being lifted up for you from somewhere in the Indian Ocean.

Dad

"When is dad gonna be home?", I would ask in a bored voice. This was a question that filled much of my childhood. I know that in these days not every boy has a father who comes home every night and so I count myself blessed to have a father. And not only do I have a father, but I have a father who loves the Lord, who took us to church to hear the truth of the Gospel, and who did devotions with us after dinner every night. How would I ever know how to be a father in the coming years if not for experiencing his example. My father is one of the most disciplined and also one of the funniest people that I know. The importance of discipline is becoming more clear to me in my life as I notice how closely it is related to the fruit that I see in his life. I used to think that discipline took all the fun out of things and that to take on acts of discipline was to forfeit joy. It turns out, years later, I am finding that discipline and obedience in the Lord actually brings joy every day and it's more joy than I would have ever imagined. Sure, it's not the shallow and fleeting joy of doing what I want and when I want, it's a deeper and fuller joy and it follows me through the whole day. I imagine there were many times growing up when my mom and dad probably wondering to themselves, "When is Pat going to get it?" Well, thank you for the prayers you prayed for me even back then because I finally understand.
My dad loves to scrapbook, work in the garage on whatever, to do crossword puzzles, cook on the grill, and watch Navy lacrosse! (Whooo! Go Navy!) Those are a few things that come to mind when I think of my dad. Thank you dad, for being such a good example who works hard and loves his family as best he can. Who knows where I would be today if it wasn't for you. Wherever it is, I wouldn't want to be there. Love you, Patrick

My Mother

A son's relationship with his mother is one of the most interesting there is. It's addressed directly in the Bible when Genesis 2:24 says, "Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh." My relationship with my mother resembles that of any son who has no idea what he's doing with his life or how to prioritize his time and relationships in light of eternity. As a result, my relationship with my mother has fluctuated, the greatest separration forming during my adolescent years. The desire to "leave" surfaced suddenly and passionately but of course what I would hold fast to instead was likely to be questionable in its worthiness. As I have grown a little older, I have realized my mistake and have drawn closer to my mother. It's not easy, I won't lie. It's not easy because I'm sinful and have a rebellious nature. Thankfully, God's grace, bought for me at the cross, has power that extends to meet me in my need. I know I will never be the perfect son but I hope I at least will be able to give her more of the love that she deserves.
There are so many things that I love about her. She is fun and spunky, she can dance, she loves playing speed scrabble and boggle and is really good at them, she is good with money, and lastly, she's not afraid to tell me when I'm wrong! I know it's not always pleasant to be confronted but that's what true friends do. They tell you the truth about yourself and naturally, this is not always good. :)
Mom, thank you for all your constant love over the years even when my love was foolishly wavering. You have been faithful to me and I look forward to having you as a friend as I walk through the coming years.

Jack

Here is a fun picture I found of me and Jack from a couple years ago. Jack came to visit me at the Naval Academy my senior year and had lunch with me and my squad! He was excited to be back reliving his old days at the Academy eating in King Hall. Jack is fun and creative and always seems to keep our family times from falling into any kind of a lull. He claims not to enjoy playing games as a family but we are thankful when he does because he definitely makes them more fun and full of laughter. Although he does have a very fun side to his personality, he also has a deep side that comes out in his writing. If there is a gifted writer in our family, it is him. I only wish I could read more of his writing and poetry. He is also Navy helicopter pilot and lives in sunny San Diego. I think it's time that he comes back to the East Coast though! Seeing him once a year is hardly enough!

Jack, you are a wonderful older brother and I pray that we will be given more time together in the coming years. Whatever you end up doing with the rest of your life, I know that God will be faithful to lead you and guide you. I will be praying for you.

Here is a picture below of Jack wrestling with our little brother, Sam. Sam likes to talk big and Jack has never been one to hesitate to respond with much deserved physical humbling. :)

Hosanna!!

I hope you don't mind a brief interlude to my family posts. :)

And they brought the colt to Jesus and threw their cloaks on it, and he sat on it. And many spread their cloaks on the road, and others spread leafy branches that they had cut from the fields. And those who went before and those who followed were shouting, "Hosanna! Blessed is is he who comes in the name of the Lord! Blessed is the coming kingdom of our father David! Hosanna in the highest!
Mark 11:7-10

My friend let me borrow this Hillsong cd recently and on it is this song that I love called 'Hosanna'. It is such a beautiful song and God has been using it to draw my heart into worship over the past few days. After a while though, I was thinking what a beautiful word hosanna is and I had this feeling, "I want to know what it means!" So I looked up the meaning of the word which is pretty amazing. First though here are the lyrics to the song I have been singing recently.

I see the King of glory
Coming on the clouds with fire
The whole earth shakes, the whole earth shakes
I see his love and mercy
Washing over all our sin
The people sing, the people sing

Hosanna, hosanna
Hosanna in the highest!

I see a generation
Rising up to take the place
With selfless faith, with selfless faith
I see a near revival
Stirring as we pray and seek
We're on our knees, we're on our knees!

Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like you have loved me
Break my heart for what breaks yours
Everything I am for your kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into eternity.

So I looked up the meaning to hosanna and it means, "Save now!" or "Save, I pray!" I had thought that crying out hosanna was just another way of saying "praise God", but "save now" gives it so much more meaning both within the context of scripture and when sung together as a church. I didn't realize the word was filled with such a spirit of brokenness and need for God. It reminds of what I read of John Piper's second message from New Attitude 2007. He says,

I asked Bob Kauflin if we could sing one line of a song after the message. Here’s the line…
O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I’m constrained to thee

"Debtor to Grace" may be written on my tombstone and it will be true forever. Past grace at the cross not only paid for my sin but it bought a reservoir of ocean-like grace flowing onto my in the future. What God wants from me is not payback but increasing debt.

How do you pay back God? You ask for more.

God is not glorified when we take our tiny buckets of righteousness up the mountain to his everlasting stream of righteousness. God is glorified when we take our empty buckets up the mountain to his overflowing stream. He’s glorified when take the full buckets down the mountain and pour them on others.

I am forever in debt before God and my cry is to remain there. I will keep singing "Hosanna! Hosanna! Hosanna in the highest!" Save now Lord, I pray, as I walk from earth into eternity.

Brendan

Here is my older brother Brendan. He is married and has two kids. He has a daughter, Rhianna, who is sitting in his lap here and also a son, Noah. When we were younger we used to fight so much. It is sad to look back on all the hateful thoughts that I thought towards him. To be honest, in those days, I often wondered whether we would ever be friends when we got older. Thankfully, by God's grace, we are now and those earlier days seem so far in the past. God has done a huge work in both our lives to draw us closer to Himself.
Brendan was radically saved while he was in college through a huge revival at his school. It would take forever to tell the full story (he would have to tell it). It is enough to say though that at certain points when things were at their worst, if someone had showed me the picture above as a picture of him in the future, I would have had a lot of questions to ask. That is nothing against him either. He would agree when I say his testimony is the same as all of our testimonies. We were running towards hell and God completely and graciously saved us. It truly is wonderful in all our lives to consider where we would be if we had not been saved. It is a beautiful thing in Brendan's life to think of this and then to see him with his wife and daughter and son. It not only makes me smile but it makes my heart well up in awe because before me I have living, walking, smiling proof that all point to God's glory.
I realize at this point that I haven't said much about Brendan's hobbies or anything. I think what I have talked about is evidence of what is most important in his life. I'm pretty sure he likes to eat but I get the feeling his wife, Jamie, keeps him on a diet. :) Him and his wife also like playing Nintendo together. The other husbands at church joke with him about how lucky he is to have a wife who likes video games! Mostly though, Brendan loves serving his Savior by loving his family and serving passionately in his church in New York City.
Brendan, God truly has blessed me with you as a brother. It was wonderful to see you coming home from college overflowing with love for God. It definitely spilled over into my life and encouraged me in a ways that I never would have been encouraged. It is also wonderful to see you now with your family and be able to genuinely have you as a friend. Keep stepping out in faith and pouring yourself out for God! He will keep filling you up!!

Sam and Granny Nanny

I found this picture of my little brother Sam and couldn't resist using it because of who is standing next to him. She will be our special guest for this post. She is my grandmother on my dad's side, otherwise known as Granny Nanny Darling! She didn't want to be called Grandma so she made up her own nickname. I will come back to her but for now I need to talk about Sam. Sam is my little brother. He is very smart and enjoys school (or atleast he seems to!). He loves soccer which is something all of us kids in the family love. He seems very socially mature for his age and I am somewhat jealous of him for that. When I was his age I was so frustrated with the whole dilemma of having to talk to people and do all the small talk it takes to first grow close with people. Sam seems to handle awkward social situations with relative ease. He also has a passion for the Lord which is encouraging to see.
Sam, the more you discipline yourself in the Lord now and pursue purity in everything, the easier it's going to be when you are where I am now! I'm sure you read my last last journal entry in the family journal. Though it doesn't seem like it when you're young, we have one life and it is so short! Don't waste time with anything other than pursuing Christ with all your passion and affections.
I am thankful for a brother like Sam who I can look forward to closer friendship with as we grow older. What a blessing! I'll never get tired of playing board games with you and Laura! You guys better not get tired of it either! :)
You can tell from the picture that Granny Nanny is very adoring of Sam. Can you believe she used to be a Marine? And not only that, she was in the Peace Corps in South America and also used to live in Alaska! She had a cat when I was little named Purrsnikitty. Granny Nanny would write postcards to me as if they were actually written and signed by her cat! I still remember actually reading the postcards and asking my mom how Granny Nanny's cat learned to write! Also, one of the reasons Sam and the rest of us in the family love to read and write is because of Granny Nanny's infectious love for both of these things. We all are so thankful for her and only wish that we could see her more!
Sam and Granny Nanny, I love both you guys so much and don't know what life would be like without you guys! I have a big kiss waiting for you Granny Nanny and big hug for you Sam next time I see you all!

Laura Bethany

So I start my writings about my family with my youngest sister Laura. As you can see from the picture, she loves being an aunt and taking care of her niece and nephew. I am very interested to see how she turns out as she passes through high school and college. She seems very eager to grow up and have freedom, which is much how I was at her age. She is very independent, doesn't mind spending time alone, and enjoys closeness with choice friends. Known in her younger days as Lala, she has been the princess in a family with four older brothers. She has definitely has had to put up with a lot of pestering from her brothers! Now that she is older though, it is fun to be able to hang out with her. I enjoy hanging out with her because she is a lot like me in many ways and so I identify with a lot of the stuff she is feeling at her age. She seems content to space out and daydream like I do. I remember having her as a road trip companion in the passenger seat and for much of the drive we both were just spaced out in our own little worlds! We talked a little bit. :)
Laura, be patient! You will grow up soon enough and then you will be wishing you could go back! God has given you the time you have now where you are so spend it for Him!
I am so thankful to have a sister and I can't wait to spend more time with her when I get back!

My Family

Here is a picture of me, my brothers, and my sister all snuggling on the couch at home. From left to right they are Brendan, Sam, me, Laura, and Jack. I have decided to begin a series of posts on my family where I write about each one. I'm not sure yet exactly what I'm going to write about them but it will hopefully be something meaningful that shows how much they mean to me. I'm not leaving out my parents either! I'll start with the youngest, Laura, and go all the way up to my dad eventually. I came across this picture recently and I don't know, it just hit me all over again what an incredible family God blessed me with. I can't wait to write about them while I'm out here at sea and even more, I can't wait until we are all together again hopefully later this year!

Red Vines

Red Vines are the candy of the month for me. I have probably eaten 2 or 3 lbs. of them this month! (Thank you mom for sending them!) If you're looking for a special treat, go pick some up now! For added flavor (and sugar), pick up some Dr. Pepper as well! The two were made for each other. Red Vines are also nice cause you can use them as straws!

A Kiss Of Kindness

This past week I was reunited with one of my best friends, Eric Madonia. I remember last time I had seen him I had dropped him off at the airport in Atlanta after the Passion conference. As I drove away, I remember crying so much thinking that I wasn't going to see him for maybe two years. Little did I know that God's graciousness would have me meeting Eric out near the Indian Ocean of all places! His ship happened to pull alongside ours so that we could give his ship a translator we had on board. During that time, Eric was able to come over to my ship for about an hour. The picture above was taken after he came up to where I was standing watch and surprised me! We were able to go to my room on the ship and spend some time talking and praying. It was such a sweet time though as it was taking place, I couldn't believe it was happening! It was such an encouragement to my soul and was certainly a kiss of kindness from God.

Be Still My Soul

Be still, my soul:
when dearest friends depart,
And all is darkened
in the vale of tears,
Then shalt thou better know
His love, His heart,
Who comes to soothe
thy sorrow and thy fears.
Be still, my soul:
thy Jesus can repay
From His own fullness
all He takes away.

Could a hymn better describe how I feel as I look back at all the dear friends I have left behind? The tears I have cried as my heart longs for their nearness have been many and yet if I had not cried them, I would not have known His love, His heart, Who comes to soothe. I love the last lines of this verse. They recognize the fullness of Christ and his loving sovereignty, loving us even to the point of taking away those close to us so that He can be even closer. Be still, my soul and behold the God who loves! He loved us enough to suffer on the cross for us. He loves us enough to have us share in His sufferings and so have our hearts pressed up against His. When all is darkened in the vale of tears, that we might better know His heart and His love!

"For as we share abundantly in Christ's sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too."
2 Corinthians 1:5

"Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice insofar as you share in Christ's sufferings, that you may also rejoice and be glad when his glory is revealed."
1 Peter 4:12

Declaring The Mystery of Christ

When it rains or it shines on this pillow of mine
I will lift up my head to the sky
So I have chance to see
Where my hope has come from
No, there's nothing that I can't abide

When nothing satisfies you
When nothing satisfies you
When nothing satisfies you
Hold my hand

Send forth Your light, Lord
And send forth Your truth
Let them guide me to your holy place
Then will I go to the altar of God
to my Joy, my Delight and my Strength

I listened to this song tonight and remembered listening to it my junior year at boarding school. I had my own room that year and so had a lot time to myself. I remember crying into my pillow and feeling the pain of having such beauty right in front of me in God and such disgusting and revolting sin so often rising up within me. I would try to satisfy myself with so many other things besides God and listening to this song gave me sense that God was whispering to my heart, Even though you've wandered away, I've come to find you. Hold my hand. Satisfy yourself in Me. I remember lying curled up on my bed with teary eyes and feeling wrapped in God's comforting presence. I remember never wanting to leave.

I feel some of the same feelings now tonight. You see, my junior year was one of the times when I wandered the most away from God and willfully rebelled and loved sin in so many ways. I wish I could say that I rose from my bed the morning after experiencing God's comfort and went out and laid my life down for Him but I didn't. I got frustrated and I wandered aimlessly, only occasionally lifting up prayers to the God who had laid his life down for me. So many times I have found myself worshipping God in my room by myself, so amazed at how wonderful He is. And so many times I've thought to myself, I wish I could take this peace, this joy, this freedom, and somehow do something to make others experience this! I realize now though that the problem was my own unwillingness to lay my life down, to suffer for God. I didn't yet understand the cross, that all other ground was sinking sand, and that I must remain there. I didn't understand the words of J. Knox Chamblin who wrote, The Spirit does not take his pupils beyond the cross, but ever more deeply into it. I had experienced the cross before in my life but then had moved on and in the process, had left behind the very thing that had set me free to begin with.

I sit here tonight on my ship and I have that same feeling and frustration of wanting to take this great beauty that's captivating my heart and to show it to others somehow. I still don't know how but I know now that I can't do this unless I am taken deeper into the cross. At the cross I am taught how to love and lay my life down for others. I can cry tears in awe of God's grace and rise from my bed the next morning to find all my needs met in one place. I can talk to people throughout my day and the cross that I cling to keeps me humble enough to pray, Spirit, help me. I don't know how to do this. Help me to love them and show them what you showed me.

"Continue steadfastly in prayer, being watchful in it with thanksgiving. At the same time, pray also for us, that God may open to us a door for the word, to declare the mystery of Christ...that I may make it clear, which is how I ought to speak."
Colossians 4:2-4

The Hidden Person of the Heart

I'm so tired of the stumble I've been calling walk. I've so tired of the mumble I've described as talk. Now I think it's time I lose myself in the One who found me here.

I've been listening to this cd Somedays by Matt Wertz while I've been sitting here reading and thinking tonight. I listen to Matt when I drive a lot because his music is relaxing, heart-felt music that makes me consider my life in new ways through the stories he tells in his songs. Whenever I listen to the lyrics above, I think about how I so easily fall into talking about my walk with Christ. Can I really call it a walk? And then to realize that most of the words I have during my day are really just a mumble. They are so unsure and on the surface. They aren't saturated with a love for Christ and his sacrifice for me on the cross. It's so refreshing to just be able to stop and say, God, I can't walk. I can't even find words. And I'll never be able to walk or have words until you come and live your life in me.

In another one of Matt's songs, he tells a story about a beautiful garden:

My garden was once my favorite part of this town
It's beauty overshadowed all the others in this place
You see I hired a man to care for it and keep it that way
He was the best gardener around.
But soon my old pride got to thinking
About doing this job on my own
I fired the man who perfectly kept it
And that's when the weeds started growing

I've tried all the external fix-it remedies
And I've exhausted every ounce of my own strength
But until I dig down deep enough to find the root
All I'm doing is yanking out the weeds

I am reminded by this to consider areas of my life where I am trying to yank out weeds and merely fix the external while my heart remains unchanged. Only Christ can be the gardener of my heart and bring genuine change at the roots.

Do not let your adorning be external...but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious. 1 Peter 3:3-4

I know this was written specifically to wives but the principle behind it is so true! It makes you want to forget about the external things and long for Christ to make you beautiful on the inside, in your heart. When I come before the cross and consider Christ's finished work, how it humbles me and makes me wonder why I try to do things on my own. Lord, help me to surrender each day to the change you want to bring in my heart. Help me to let go of all the external things I am trying to hold on to.

It Is Well

When peace like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

I imagine the writer of this hymn looking down on the waters where only weeks before his four daughters had drowned and were swallowed by the sea. I imagine him standing there, hearing only the peaceful sounds of the ocean while inside he hears the voices of his daughters, beautiful sounds that he will never hear again. Oh, how many tears must have rolled down his cheeks as the Spirit touched his heart and words slowly surfaced to his lips, "It is well with my soul."

How kind of God. How kind of Him to love us by experiencing the same feeling of loss in giving up His Son. Oh, the tears God must have cried as our sin was nailed through the hands of his Son! On a day when my heart feels the loss of saying goodbye and my eyes are wet with tears, my greatest comfort is at the cross where God made a way for us. Here, at the cross, I can hide and though I still cry many tears, there is a sweet peace that passes like a stream over my heart.

'Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning nor crying nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.' And he who was seated on the throne said, 'Behold, I am making all things new.'
Revelation 21:3-5

I love to sing this hymn so much and I am so often overwhelmed as it fills up my heart. I was watching this video of it being sung in the last days before I left today and God used it to touch my heart. I hope it encourages you as well as you draw close and remember what Christ has done for us. My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought...

Glory Come Down

What is it in the nature of man
That draws us away from our purpose
To despise the things of God
And love the things that hurt us

And this can't be, no it cant be
What you have intended for us
This can't be, no it cannot be
What you have intended for us

Glory, come down
Sent from your holy place
Come cleanse us now
Sovereign and holy, come make us holy
Sovereign and holy, come make us holy

Driving home tonight, I was listening to an old cd mix I made years ago and on it was the song "Glory Come Down" by Sara Groves. What a beautiful song; not only beautiful piano but lyrics filled with beautiful truths as well. How quickly I am drawn away from my purpose and soon I find myself with no appetite or taste for the things of God and I begin loving things that only end up hurting me. Sometimes these things are even the very gifts that God gives me.

I remember one of the prayers I love in "The Valley of Vision" where the writer admits that when God gives him gifts, he begins to idolize them. He prays that God would cleanse him of this "spiritual adultery". I must remember what I learned from John Piper that God's gifts are not meant to be the end in themselves but that they serve their purpose when they are wings that carry me to God and recognizing Him as the prize and the greatest gift.

What a beautiful thought it is, to be holy as He is holy. And it is only God who can accomplish this for in myself there is nothing but sin. God is sovereign and will make me holy as I surrender my adulterous heart to him. These are not light-hearted thoughts when describing my own sinfulness, I know, but how such thoughts cry out for a Savior to cleanse and make beautiful. What was dirty and stained, God makes white as snow. What was dark as night, God fills with light. And the heart that was frozen through, God warms and makes soft. All this was bought by you, Jesus, with a love that suffered, sacrificed, and endured. Make us holy as you are holy. Warm our frozen hearts.

"For Christ also suffered once for sins, the righteous for the unrighteous, that he might bring us to God, being put to death in the flesh but made alive in the spirit..."
1 Peter 3:18

It Will Rain All Day

What was incurable, desperate blindness
Has been bound up from all sides with lovingkindness
Comfort for sorrow
Rivers for dryness
Come and drink, you who have no money.

And it will rain all day
It will rain all day
It will rain all day with the bounty of new wine.

This song makes my heart smile with peace as I listen. I imagine being the only one in a field as a summer rain pours down. As I think of what it looks like, what it feels like, what it smells like, I am reminded of how it feels to experience God's peace in the midst of a painful time. It makes you just want to lie down in that field and rest there for however long, closing and opening your eyes as water drops against your skin and gray clouds swirl by. Lord, surround me with your lovingkindness and peace in the midst of what I so often feel is incurable.

Truth: The Difference Between Despair and Hope

How can I describe what it feels like to despair? Despair always comes suddenly, disorienting you, blinding you, and making you forget the truth of your circumstances. Two days ago I was hit with a sudden wave of despair as I returned to my ship after some time off. All that morning I was overwhelmed with thoughts of leaving for six months and how was I ever going to make it through. It got to the point where it hurt just to think, much less to walk around and be talking to people. I was sitting at lunch with some friends and was forced to talk and make conversation while inside I just wanted to cry out to them!

After lunch, I went back to my room on the ship and crawled into my bunk. I just lay there crying into my pillow like I did when I was a child. It seemed like the more I cried though, the more my heart ached. I tried to pray, I tried to recite verses to myself, but all I could do was cry. I realize that this sounds pitiful especially for a 22-year-old but this is how I felt. I know I wasn't remembering the truth, much less believing it. I know I was being silly in light of all God has done and the finished work of Christ on the cross. I wish so badly I could have done something to change my heart but all I felt like I could do was cry and feel sorry for myself. Time loomed so large over me that even the hours of the afternoon seemed like they would never pass, not to mention six months out at sea.

I couldn't keep lying there like this so finally I got up from my bed and when I checked my email, there was a message from a kind friend from my church who I had emailed earlier that morning. I began reading the first few lines and I couldn't help but close my eyes as the sweet overflow of tears spilled down my cheeks. I smile with joy as I remember this because what I had read was truth and what I felt was release. I read the rest of the email, crying more every few lines. The words were so full of truth and this truth was like a sun burning away the fog that had enshrouded my heart. Through my sobbing, I could hear my heart's cry of "Thank you, thank you, thank you! How could I have been so blind?" My eyes tear up even now as I recall how gracious God was to speak to me through a friend like this.

The truth is so beautiful and so precious when contrasted with the despair that comes with believed lies and half-truths. I realize now that I need to surround myself more with truth, to use it to fight for my own heart and to guard it, and also to open my life up to my friends more so that they can speak truth into my life. Lord, let me always cry out for wisdom and truth in my life. As I seek you in times of despair and times of hope, humble my heart that I might find rest in You.

Drawing Faces

I'm home visiting and little did I know I would find encouragement from something on television. I walked in to just sit on the couch and Berenstain Bears was on. I remember having one of the books when I was little and it was one of my favorites. So I started watching and of course got wrapped up in the story. The boy bear in the family started taking art lessons cause he wanted to learn how to draw faces. He starts taking the lessons and he gets frustrated cause the teacher is making everyone in the class draw circles and ovals at first. Brother Bear just wants to draw faces, not circles and ovals! The next lesson, the teacher makes them all draw three dimensional shapes but Brother Bear doesn't understand how this is going to help him draw faces. Then there is a scene later where Brother Bear is helping a younger bear swing a baseball bat and the younger bear just wants to hit the ball. Brother Bear gets frustrated with him and has to teach him things first to help him like his grip on the bat and his stance. Then he hears himself using the same words his teacher used and has an epiphany where he realizes that maybe all this silly shape-drawing really will help him draw faces.

I know this seems like such a simple lesson but it's something I really needed to hear. I was the same way when I was little. I didn't understand that playing scales really helps you learn to play actual songs on the piano and I just wanted to quit my lessons and learn to play songs on my own. I think I have been getting frustrated in this way in my spiritual life. I want to be able to encourage people, to not get distracted so easily from pursuing God whole-heartedly, to hear from God more clearly. And yet my heart doesn't understand all the time how lengths of time in prayer and the Word and meditating on the truths of the Gospel is going to help me prepare to experience God's gifts.

Thank you Lord for being gracious to speak to me in such an unexpected way. Please give me grace to obey you even when I don't understand and I get impatient!

The Earth From Up Above

As I left for this trip I was really distracted from Christ and the cross. As I tried to refocus myself on it, my mind would keep wandering. I was staring out the window of the airplane and at one point we were low before landing and I could see neighborhoods of individual houses with their cars parked out front. I thought of individual people in all these houses, all of them consumed with the importance of their own thoughts and lives. Their cars all out in front of their houses. Countless possessions decorating them inside. And yet so many of these spread over the landscape that lay before me. It was like seeing the earth as it really is for the first time. One question came to my mind.

Am I just going to be another person consumed with himself?

I know that I am. And Lord, you know that I am. But I don't want to be!

This trip has been good because overall it is having the effect of being able to look down on my life back home objectively. I can see it laid out before me on a landscape where trivialities get lost in the whole story that is taking place. As a result, God so graciously is speaking clarity and peace where before I only felt confusion and unrest. It almost felt supernatural as I read about the cross, listened to music about the cross, and meditated on how it applied to my present situation. What I thought was immovable had been moved by the power of the Gospel. My faith is now increased that when I am in such a situation again that the power of the Gospel will conquer whatever is distracting me.

Lord, help me believe in the power of your Gospel! Help me believe that you will always be faithful to conquer my daily distractions!

Sunday Thoughts

"When thine eye is single, thy whole body is full of light."
Luke 11:34

How true are these words and how readily they are experienced. I was really distracted recently and this verse came alive in my mind. I began to apply it, making my eye single towards God, and felt the light of Christ flooding my thoughts and leaving me wondering how could I ever want to gaze on anything else. As I was worshipping today I had an image of an eye fixed on God in singleness and as light flooded into the eye, it began lighting up so many beautiful things. What a beautiful image of the truth that it is not our job to light up the dark and unknown places in our lives. Our only duty is to keep our eyes fixed on God and He will do the work of lighting up our lives.

Brett was talking in his message Sunday about the High Priest going in to the temple once a year to atone for people's sins and the fact that God tore the curtain top to bottom means that when can approach whenever we want! As I thought about this though, I realized that the problem is that I begin taking it for granted. After becoming accustomed to approaching God's presence, I find myself not feeling the weight of what I'm doing. I begin walking into His presence with eyes that wander instead of those that are fixed with reverence on the lasting beauty of my Savior.

There is so much beauty out there that captivates me! What is so precious about Christ's beauty is that it is lasting. One of the verses from the message today that came alive to me was from Hebrews 10:34.

"...you joyfully accepted the plundering of your property, since you knew that you yourselves had a better possession and an abiding one."

An abiding possession. There are so many possessions, material and sometimes even friends, that I clasp to tightly to my chest. In Christ though, I have a possession that I can clasp as tightly as I want and never let go! Then I can look at all the beauty in the world and all its possessions and say with the hymn writer, Jesus is fairer! Jesus is purer! Who makes the woeful heart to sing!

Lord, keep my eyes fixed on you. Let me never relax my embrace from you as my abiding possession. Thou, my soul's glory, joy, and crown.

Imagining Myself in the Future

I've been listening to some chill music today and something about it is making me have these very peaceful imaginings of the future. Like I imagine myself on the day when I walk off this ship for the last time. I already can imagine some of the thoughts I will be having then. Thoughts maybe of wishing I had done things differently or that I had been more faithful. I don't think these thoughts will the most powerful in my mind though. The most overwhelming thoughts will be those of thankfulness. I have been on my ship for less than a year and already I am so thankful for all that God has done and is doing. Every day I wonder how someone like me is on a ship doing the things that I'm doing. I would not have chosen this for myself and yet every day I am amazed by fresh grace that flows from heaven.

It's so crazy to imagine the future because the possibilities are endless, so endless, but oh what a thought that God's faithfulness will be there no matter what happens! Truly he is an anchor for our souls and is the only place where we can find rest.

Surely goodness and mercy will follow me
all the days of my life!

A Day in a Coffee Shop

The majority of the day has been spent in this small coffee shop in Galveston. The environment is relaxing to say the least. It feels almost like time is standing still and I am looking back at the patchy landscape of my life. I don't mind the smell of cigarette smoke. Ceiling fans move hypnotically, making shadows flash across the tables and walls. The music is mostly melancholy, washing away the busy thoughts that have accumulated in my mind. I read here all morning and wrote emails, sipping coffee and floating effortlessly in my mind. I'm back here in the late afternoon and have been listening to music and writing in my journal.

I read beautiful, encouraging, and truth-filled words from Andrew Murray this morning about surrendering to God and letting Him do the work of establishing us in Christ. He pointed out that all our efforts just get in the way when God promises do this work Himself. My focus now becomes more one of not getting distracted, surrendering, and releasing my heart into His promising and loving hands.

Crazy that I should have forgotten the countless times Jesus asked me to lay my burdens down. As I wake each morning, the picture of myself is like a traveller who wakes up from sleep and immediately looks around to gather his things so he can continue his long and tiresome journey. A new image is coming alive in my mind right now and it is of someone who wakes up and immediately his eyes fall on the familiar gaze of His Savior. He then gathers his things and gives them up to the offering Hand and suddenly they all disappear. He feels the Savior take his hand and this Hand leads him through the day, guiding through suffering and joys alike. Suffering and joy are one and the same in light of the the ever-present Savior living from within his own heart.

"And it is God who establishes us with you in Christ, and has anointed us, and who has also put his seal on us and given us his Spirit as a guarantee."
2 Corinthians 1:21

Riding the Bus in the Morning

I just had wonderful memory as I was standing outside on the ship this morning of riding the bus to school when I was little. On mornings in the spring, riding the bus was especially refreshing. There would always be atleast a few windows cracked open and fresh spring air would be lightly circulating throughout the bus. Sometimes I would have a book that I was into and it was so wonderful to be wrapped up in a story as the familiar scene passed by outside.
School would pass by as well with all its presumed importance as I would steal brief minutes in my book. While the morning busride would have more of a peaceful, melancholy sweetness, the afternoon busride was happier and full of anticipation as I look forward to more time reading, playing outside, and of course, eating a good afterschool snack with some kool-aid. Now that is a memory that makes me smile:)

A Rising Sun

In just a short while I will standing in heaven looking back on my life. Or I wonder if my eyes will be so utterly captivated by the beauty of Jesus Christ that I will not have any desire to look back. Such a thought confronts my heart in many ways. The first thought is one of comfort because the things that frighten me are all the sudden of little consequence. There is also a feeling of reservation though because there are certain things in my life that I am looking forward to such as getting married and seeing what my kids are going to be like. I find then that my thoughts of heaven also make getting married seem to be of little consequence. And the truth is that my dreams of happiness on this earth really are trivial when they stand next to the light of the beauty of Christ. All of this is still setting in but it is gradually dawning on me that I am going to have to let go of such worldly cares as marriage and kids if I am going to experience the joy of being captivated completely by Christ. To be honest, there are two things in my life right now that consume much of my thoughts. One of them is that I will be spending 7 of the next 8 months underway on my ship. The other thought is one of looking forward to getting married. A thought of anxiety and a thought of longing and joy. The beauty of Christ is like a sun rising over the horizon and its light is falling on both of these worries and transforming both of them into vehicles that have the simple purpose of bringing me closer to Christ.

And so I rejoice.

I rejoice at going underway for 7 months because I know without a doubt that such a time will make me fall more in love with my Savior. I rejoice as I look forward to getting married for the reason that this also will also bring me closer to Christ. As my heart conforms with this view, I am finding that my departure is not a cause for sorrow and neither is getting married merely a cause for temporal happiness. All sorrow and temporal happiness dissipate as my hearts' doors open to the light of Christ.

Give me one pure and holy passion
give me one magnificent obsession
give me one glorious ambition for my life
to know and follow hard after you

To know and follow hard after you
to grow as your disciple in your truth
This world is empty pale and poor
compared to knowing you my Lord

Lead me on and I will run after You:)