Tuesday, August 05, 2003

The past weekend was one of blessing but also one of recognized failure. My family went up to White Sulphur Springs for a week so I thought it would be nice to go up there just for Saturday night and come back Sunday since I had the weekend off. We like to think we have good intentions but a lot of the time we just come up with good intentions that are certainly good, but are also certainly not our main focus in doing what we have set our minds on carrying out. I got my friend Sean to come. He is in my company and I knew he was a Christian so invited him to join me. I had never been able to have any spiritually-based conversations with him but I guess I was hoping that bringing him to such a place would provide room for such a possibility to take shape. He was cool with the idea and didn't have any big plans for the weekend. So we headed up there with my family, which was hardly awkward even though it was his first time around my family. We showed up and I kind of just let him warm up to place, tried to get him to meet people, even if it meant going off on my own so he kind of had to. On my part, I can make it look like this was wholly good intentions by which I was driven but in reality I have to admit that I was thinking of myself and how much I wanted to go spend time with some friends there. It was selfish of me, though at the same time I am thankful that God allowed Sean to make some friends while he was up there and have some good talks with people.
Looking back, I remember feeling like I didn't have enough time there instead of having an attitude of thanksgiving that I was able to have the time I did. I know I spent the weekend rather selfishly and really put God on hold for just that one day so I could enjoy myself or if I wasn't quite putting Him on hold, I know I definitely shifted Him from being my sole desire. It is frustrating thinking about it now because I think so much of what I should have done and in what ways my attitude should have been different. How could I have let God slip from being my one desire, my sole purpose for living? It's so frustrating for me in hindsight and I think it is the same for all Christians. It is painful but also what a blessing when we are actually able to recognize our failures. Once we do, how much more do we need God's grace and come to Him to make us pure. So it is painful but then also what joy in knowing God's mercy.
I am thankful to have had another learning experience even though it did hurt a little and definitely left me with a lot to sort out. On the way back, Sean and I got to have a good talk and so far this week we have continued sharing our thoughts and what God has been showing us. I would never have thought...It is amazing the mysterious ways in which God works. I felt like God used me in helping Sean be encouraged and provoked to grow, and all despite my failings and own selfishness at times. It is such a surprise to see the ways in which He uses us, even when we didn't really know what to expect. And I think if I did even expect anything, it surely wasn't this! How gracious a God!
So I continue to struggle this week with a lot of things but am thankful that I am able to recognize my failures and come to God with them and ask for His strength and His wisdom in my decisions when I want so badly to act on my emotional highs and lows. I am rolling through this book, "Wild At Heart" by John Eldredge and it is definitely altering my persepective and opening my eyes to a lot of things. I am also reading "The Cross-Centered Life" by C.J. Mahaney which deals with something I struggle with a lot, letting my feelings dictate how I think of and view my relationship with God, instead of resting in his grace that comes through the cross and making it the center of my everyday life. I would recommend both of these books to you as books you should read as soon as you can get your hands on them. They will definitely change your life. Duty calls (homework)...how dreadful ): May God use you in ways you never expected and bless you beyond what you could have ever imagined. (: