How can I describe what it feels like to despair? Despair always comes suddenly, disorienting you, blinding you, and making you forget the truth of your circumstances. Two days ago I was hit with a sudden wave of despair as I returned to my ship after some time off. All that morning I was overwhelmed with thoughts of leaving for six months and how was I ever going to make it through. It got to the point where it hurt just to think, much less to walk around and be talking to people. I was sitting at lunch with some friends and was forced to talk and make conversation while inside I just wanted to cry out to them!
After lunch, I went back to my room on the ship and crawled into my bunk. I just lay there crying into my pillow like I did when I was a child. It seemed like the more I cried though, the more my heart ached. I tried to pray, I tried to recite verses to myself, but all I could do was cry. I realize that this sounds pitiful especially for a 22-year-old but this is how I felt. I know I wasn't remembering the truth, much less believing it. I know I was being silly in light of all God has done and the finished work of Christ on the cross. I wish so badly I could have done something to change my heart but all I felt like I could do was cry and feel sorry for myself. Time loomed so large over me that even the hours of the afternoon seemed like they would never pass, not to mention six months out at sea.
I couldn't keep lying there like this so finally I got up from my bed and when I checked my email, there was a message from a kind friend from my church who I had emailed earlier that morning. I began reading the first few lines and I couldn't help but close my eyes as the sweet overflow of tears spilled down my cheeks. I smile with joy as I remember this because what I had read was truth and what I felt was release. I read the rest of the email, crying more every few lines. The words were so full of truth and this truth was like a sun burning away the fog that had enshrouded my heart. Through my sobbing, I could hear my heart's cry of "Thank you, thank you, thank you! How could I have been so blind?" My eyes tear up even now as I recall how gracious God was to speak to me through a friend like this.
The truth is so beautiful and so precious when contrasted with the despair that comes with believed lies and half-truths. I realize now that I need to surround myself more with truth, to use it to fight for my own heart and to guard it, and also to open my life up to my friends more so that they can speak truth into my life. Lord, let me always cry out for wisdom and truth in my life. As I seek you in times of despair and times of hope, humble my heart that I might find rest in You.
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