Monday, April 12, 2004

"Take my voice, and let me sing always, only, for my King.
Take my lips, and let them be filled with messages from Thee.
Take my silver and my gold; not a mite would I withhold.
Take my intellect, and use every power as Thou shalt choose."


The verse of this hymn aptly describes the change that has been taking place in my life during the past two months I have neglected to write here. The Naval Academy really only leaves me with so much creative writing energy, if any, at the end of the day. I have been working on a poem, which is still in progress, and that has taken up much of my writing time. So, there's my excuse. I really hope it's good enough!
Moving back on track...the words of this hymn are just beautiful even without the music. In regard to the first line, I realize that worshipping God with in song should not be something new but there are two words that stuck out to me when I was listening to the song lately. We are not only called to sing for God but to sing always and only for God. Even as I worship when the band plays at church or at Tuesday night meetings here at school, many times I find my mind wandering to other things, to other people, who I plan to talk to afterwards. What were those words I was singing...wait a second. I am called to humble myself as I sing and this means placing all my attention on God's glory and praise and completely forgetting myself and all that worries me which God has already taken care of.
In my last entry I mentioned a question that had been on my mind. When was the last time I was spoken to by God? When was the last time I was seeking His face in prayer and meditation on the Word? The two questions go hand in hand. "Take my lips and let them be, filled with messages from Thee." It's funny, I was singing this verse to myself as I was on my way somewhere I remember singing "filled with messages for Thee." Later as I read through the lyrics, I noticed the difference in wording. It's pretty easy for me to come to God with messages of my own that I have for him...things I want done in my life, things I want to experience, people I want changed. Oddly enough, this hymn does not mention messages I have for God but the other way around.
Just as when I worship, I must be strip my mind of every thought concerning myself and replace them with thoughts that desire to bring pleasure to God, so I must also take every message I have for God and let them be completely dissolved by the promise that He is more than enough for my every thirst and every need. As a result I am left humbled and when I seek the Lord in confident prayer with thanksgiving, I find that God will speak to me though most of time not right at that moment and not in a way that I expect. Of course that is the beauty of how God speaks to us. Surprise presents are always the best and I think God pretty much has them down pretty well.
The third line addresses a part of my life that is a mess. I am horrible with money and credit cards. It took me a while to realize that credit cards actually use real money! I guess we all learn these lessons somehow. Learning my way always seems to be the most difficult. I am slowly trying to come to grips with the idea of holding loosely to my money and possessions and accepting the fact my money is meant to be used in God's service, not to appease my constantly changing and always unfulfilled desires to make myself look cool by buying a certain shirt or certain shoes. I realize that when I go to buy clothes, it usually always in an effort to define "me", as if how good I look in my clothes will somehow be the deciding factor in whether the girl I end up marrying will like me or not. By buying clothes with such a purpose, I am indirectly letting God know that my faith is not completely resting on His ability and promise to take care of the area of life concerning my relationships with girls, but that I really need to take care of some of it for God because obviously He doesn't realize that I am growing a little impatient here!
It is okay to look good for someone. I am not saying all girls should stop wearing makeup and perfume. I am addressing where we are placing our hope and where we are finding our identity. Before we walk into the store to buy those clothes, we must already be confident that our identity is perfect and proven in Christ. He's taking care of our life, it's great! Somehow we tend to slip the relationship and friendship card from the deck we have given to God as if He does not notice that it is missing. The ironic thing about this is that we are so convinced that by doing this, we are actually helping ourselves when in reality we are hurting the very area of our lives on whichever card we have taken from the deck. An example would be when we try to change our personality in order to impress certain people. It's funny though because when we do try to take on a new personality, most of the time we fail in some way, and even when we do get good at it enough that we can succeed, we end up attracting people whose values do not align with ours and would compromise our values without a care. Meanwhile, the person who would have been drawn to our real personality has seen us behaving in this way and has turned the other way without interest.
God made you a certain way for a reason. He gave you your specific personality and He also has someone for you who will complement that personality in so many ways. Rejoice in who you are! Be genuine in love and with confidence, knowing that your identity is proven in Christ. When years have passed by and friends have passed by, you will be sitting on your porch outside in your rocker covered in a cloud of gray hair and your identity in Christ will still be as proven as it ever was and will be more beautiful than you could have ever imagined. I put myself in that rocker often. I like to imagine what I will be thinking then especially as I look back at what I am going through at that given moment.
I didn't mean to go on this long and I realize there is still another line left in the hymn. I will keep it short. Basically this has addressed my studies and my work ethic related to those studies. Glorifying God in all things includes schoolwork...I guess so but am not really sure how...God really just cares about whether I'm reading the Bible, praying, and going to church, that are of my life concerning "religion", right? This was reaction for a long time. God has put us where we are for a reason. If we are at school, he has put us there for a reason. How do we glorify God in an area of our lives such as schoolwork?
This goes back to our identity being proven in Christ. We must not do our schoolwork with even the slightest intent our proving ourselves by how well we do. Once we have abandoned all such thought, we can put our intellect to use in glorifying God by doing well. People around us at school are watching us. People are not meant to see us reading the Bible or going to a fellowship meeting and somehow notice Christ in us. People notice Christ in us when they see a genuine change. Most of the time I interact with my peers is before, during, or after classes or studying. Should not this area of school work then be a primary are in which I seek to glorify God. When we come to terms with our proven identity in Christ in all areas of life, our lives become never-ending testimonies to the love of Christ working in us.
Summer is almost here which is exciting. Exams are coming up, also exciting. I went to Georgetown a couple of weekends ago and was stood up by someone, also exciting...ha, a good thing my identity is already proven. (It's amazing how much our identity in Christ comes in handy!). I am hoping to go the Opera at the Kennedy Center one of these weekends coming up. The end of the school year is shaping up though and the summer is looking a little uncertain but of course it will definitely be...exciting.

"Take my will, and make it thine; it shall be no longer mine.
Take my heart, it is thine own; it shall be thy royal throne.
Take my love, my Lord, I pour at thy feet its treasure-store.
Take myself, and I will be ever, only, all for thee."

Monday, February 02, 2004

Looking back at my journal, I realize that I've only really written here about once a month. I think this has something to do with how infrequently I am in a reflective mood and not involved in some spiritual, emotional, or academic battle. I think about the past summer and how much more time I spent by myself, talking with my creator. Lately, I've been missing this time because my heart has forgotten the peace and guidance it brings to my life. I received a book and then a postcard from my grandmother. The postcard lacked any direct point but was just words lingering over thoughts. Somehow though, the postcard meant a lot and put me in a reflective mood that was surprisingly refreshing.
Sometimes I wonder why everything has to be analyzed and broken down systematically. Why can't things just be? When I sit behind my house and watch the tress, I do not want to think of cells and photosynthesis. I want to be inspired by the noise the wind makes as it touches leaves and to be spoken to through the wondrous creation that surrounds me. When I am lost, God sends me these messages, sometimes in the form of a grandmother's postcard, a poem read while just in the right mood, or in the words of a friend that seem uncannily clear in explaining what has been on my mind lately. These are God's love notes he keeps sending me. People want to know how to hear God's voice but it can't be explained because He speaks to each heart in a different way. God is the perfect romancer and He always knows exactly the right words to say that bring out heart into focus.
The sad truth is that most days I don't even give Him the time of day. It's like I've found the love of my life and now I'm content not to get to know Him at all. I hope I don't do the same thing with my future wife. Lately, I have realized just how messed up it is of me to ignore the greatest lover I will ever meet. You would think I would want to get to know Him and hear from Him as much as possible and in turn to share everything that is on my heart. No more of these quick prayers and then off to class. Just like a husband at work can not wait to get home that night to spend time with his wife, I want to be distracted in class because I can not wait to spend time alone with God.
At the same time, I was thinking of how some husbands may do all the rights things but their heart is not in it. They may bring flowers home some evenings and take their wives out dinner Friday night, but how much do the flowers mean and how deep is the conversation over dinner? These are the questions that matter. It would be the same thing if we were to rattle off quick, semi-rehearsed prayers as we get ready for our day, to go to church and Bible study. Just like the flowers and dinner, prayer, church, or Bible study are all good things. The questions that matter come up again: How well am I getting to know my Savior? When is that last time He spoke to me? I want to be able to honestly say that I spend at least fifteen minutes a day talking, sharing my heart, and listening to God. It is amazing how much change I have gone through and how much more peace I have the more I have put this into action. I am anxious to see what will happen the more I continue in this manner.