Declaring The Mystery of Christ

When it rains or it shines on this pillow of mine
I will lift up my head to the sky
So I have chance to see
Where my hope has come from
No, there's nothing that I can't abide

When nothing satisfies you
When nothing satisfies you
When nothing satisfies you
Hold my hand

Send forth Your light, Lord
And send forth Your truth
Let them guide me to your holy place
Then will I go to the altar of God
to my Joy, my Delight and my Strength

I listened to this song tonight and remembered listening to it my junior year at boarding school. I had my own room that year and so had a lot time to myself. I remember crying into my pillow and feeling the pain of having such beauty right in front of me in God and such disgusting and revolting sin so often rising up within me. I would try to satisfy myself with so many other things besides God and listening to this song gave me sense that God was whispering to my heart, Even though you've wandered away, I've come to find you. Hold my hand. Satisfy yourself in Me. I remember lying curled up on my bed with teary eyes and feeling wrapped in God's comforting presence. I remember never wanting to leave.

I feel some of the same feelings now tonight. You see, my junior year was one of the times when I wandered the most away from God and willfully rebelled and loved sin in so many ways. I wish I could say that I rose from my bed the morning after experiencing God's comfort and went out and laid my life down for Him but I didn't. I got frustrated and I wandered aimlessly, only occasionally lifting up prayers to the God who had laid his life down for me. So many times I have found myself worshipping God in my room by myself, so amazed at how wonderful He is. And so many times I've thought to myself, I wish I could take this peace, this joy, this freedom, and somehow do something to make others experience this! I realize now though that the problem was my own unwillingness to lay my life down, to suffer for God. I didn't yet understand the cross, that all other ground was sinking sand, and that I must remain there. I didn't understand the words of J. Knox Chamblin who wrote, The Spirit does not take his pupils beyond the cross, but ever more deeply into it. I had experienced the cross before in my life but then had moved on and in the process, had left behind the very thing that had set me free to begin with.

I sit here tonight on my ship and I have that same feeling and frustration of wanting to take this great beauty that's captivating my heart and to show it to others somehow. I still don't know how but I know now that I can't do this unless I am taken deeper into the cross. At the cross I am taught how to love and lay my life down for others. I can cry tears in awe of God's grace and rise from my bed the next morning to find all my needs met in one place. I can talk to people throughout my day and the cross that I cling to keeps me humble enough to pray, Spirit, help me. I don't know how to do this. Help me to love them and show them what you showed me.

"Continue steadfastly in prayer, being watchful in it with thanksgiving. At the same time, pray also for us, that God may open to us a door for the word, to declare the mystery of Christ...that I may make it clear, which is how I ought to speak."
Colossians 4:2-4