I just arrived at home for Christmas leave and I am already bored. It may be partly because none of the family is in the house. An empty house is always quite peaceful though. I tried reading a little Nicholas Sparks for a while but after a chapter, I could not read anymore. My brain is a little worn out after taking exams, which went quite well. My method of getting through exams has always been to relax my way through them. My parents would roll their eyes if they heard that but it really is my special way of getting through them. I usually make sure I get a lot of sleep. I don't really do that much studying for them if you are talking about quantitative hours studied but I make sure that while I am studying, I stay relaxed and just enjoy it as best I can. Lastly, I try to get something to eat before the exam and get a relaxing song in my head. Of course this method probably only works for me since I am a little stranger than your average person. Stressing over them would probably work best for you...
So it's Christmas season and there's supposed to be quite a bit of magic floating around somewhere. As I reflect on past Christmases, I don't remember my fantastic expectations ever being wholly fulfilled. I have seen the same regret in many other people so I am sure many of you can relate. I always keep thinking, maybe next Christmas will be that romantic Christmas I always dreamed of. As I thought about it though, I realized that any "magic" that was there during Christmas was because of family and friends who provided it with their love, mainly my mother and father. So I came to the conclusion that the season's magical quality just doesn't happen to show up during the last month of the year when snow starts falling, but people actually have to do loving things to make it happen. Maybe this would explain why my general air of selfishness around Christmas time has always seemed to spoil the season's magic for me and for those around me.
I am going to try something new this year though and I hope that you will commit to do the same. I am actually going to devote my time to making the season more magical for others. This doesn't mean I am going to come up with expensive gifts or write holiday poems for my mom. It's doing little things that ease the pressure and stress off parents such as helping keep the house clean and not complaining when I am asked to do something even though I already had other plans. God did the most loving thing possible in sending his Son for us during this same season and that's what initially started the magic. It is no surprise that by not thinking about ourselves and doing loving things for others, we are able to bring small glimpes of this magic to them.
I saw the movie "Love Actually" and I really loved it. I hear there are some other good movies out but haven't had much time lately to indulge myself. I finished "The Wedding" by Nicholas Sparks and would recommend it especially if you are a guy. It addresses and brings life to certain issues that many people don't consider when they get married. For now, I wait for my whole family to arrive later this week and also some friends. We are going on a tour of the White House which should be neat. Have a blessed Christmas as you bring magic to others!

"Love suffers long and is kind, it does not envy, does not parade itself." As I read these words recently, I looked into my heart and thought about how much I am impatient, self-serving, uncontent with myself, and how much of my life is really just a show. This love described in 1 Corinthians refers to a pure love, Christ's love, to which our love should always be aspiring. Christ's love needs to be permeating everything I do, every moment and in all things. Many of the best things in life, we have to wait for, and it's partly the waiting that gives them their wonderful quality. It really is a challenge to be patient with myself and with those around me, especially when the flesh inside me tries to take control and keeps screaming at me, "What are you waiting for?" Just this past weekend, as I was playing a squash match with a graduate, afterward he told me, "You're going to win a lot of big matches, you just need to be a little more patient." So that has been my quest lately, just to let go and stop trying to take control of every situation I am in. And when you do, it's the best feeling in the world, and people around you see the difference. As we make these attributes of love a part of our lives, "when we sit in our house, when we walk by the way, and when we lie down, and when we rise.", each one is beautiful and people can't help but notice something beautiful inside us, which is just a small glimpse of Christ's love.
I have been finding my heart lately and was inspired by the words of my pastor, Keith Peck, "Turn the radio off, and listen to your heart." Whether it's the radio or anything I try to fill my life up with, I have been turning it off, listening to my heart, and am amazed at the peace I find in just sitting out back behind my house on a weekend, just staring at the trees, the stars, and listening to the sounds of the night. God blesses us when we give him our time and it's just us and his creation, no people to worry about looking good for or acting a certain way for. Just us, our heart, and God speaking to us through His creation. I have found that the more I stop to notice and calm myself before His creation, the more I am in awe of it, and it never gets old. It becomes a habit, like the man living out in the country who sits out on his porch in his rocker, every night as the sun sets, letting his mind wander, listening to his heart, letting himself be at peace. God wants me and not just part of me but all of me, and what a joy it is to every day, give all of myself up to Him, and through everything knowing He is in the most perfect control.

It has been a while since I have written here and a lot of nothing has been happening since. I have been in classes for a few weeks here and I have to say that the Naval Academy is like a whole new school when you are not a plebe. I am a little frustrated that we are not supposed to make friends with the plebes when they are the ones that I most identify with and are also the most apt to appreciate friendship. In my spiritual life, I have to admit that not much exciting has been going on which I am making a half-hearted effort not to be content with. I feel much like I am being lukewarm. I have been keeping myself away from major downfalls and sidetracks but don't feel like I'm really pressing forward either. I am tempted to just write that I am really going to try to turn things around which I have said so many times in my life and not followed through that it makes me sick. I would just ask for your prayers in this and hopefully I will be able to follow through with what my heart really desires, to be living in God's grace each day here.
One of the things I have noticed about myself is that I get feelings and I really don't know why I have them and it takes a lot of time and effort to figure them out. I feel like I am being dragged through highs and lows, whether it's oddly being attracted to a certain girl and not knowing why, or whether it's feeling despair at some little thing which I am not sure as to why it has struck me in a tender place. I am hesitant to fully embrace these feelings because in the past it has led to a lot of pain. Many times though it causes me to run to God and I have been learning more and more not to demand an answer from Him but rather to just lay down before His throne and express my desire to be his servant and my wish that He would use me in some way. Then just to talk to Him and spill my feelings, trusting that He will be faithful and provide whispers to guide me even though my feelings would take me elsewhere. One of the verses I have been thinking a lot about is from Philippians 4 when it talks about being both hungry and full. It's funny that right now when I think about it, I feel like I am neither hungry nor full and thus falling short in both areas. And once I get to be one of the two, I find it hard to be the other at the same time.
The autumn weather has been coming which I love especially in Maryland. I know that many of you have started school recently and I my wish for you is that you would stop every day to rejoice in God's creation and let God speak to you through the natural surroundings He has placed you in. Many times God will speak to us through His creation and it can one of the most beautiful things and I know you will be blessed by such time well-spent in every one of the days He has blessed you with. Every time you walk outside his love is surrounding you in the wind, in the trees, in the rain.
"And even when the trees have just surrendered to the harvest time forfeiting their leaves in late September and sending us inside. Still I notice You when change begins and I am braced for colder winds. I will offer thanks for what has been and is to come." Nichole Nordeman

The past weekend was one of blessing but also one of recognized failure. My family went up to White Sulphur Springs for a week so I thought it would be nice to go up there just for Saturday night and come back Sunday since I had the weekend off. We like to think we have good intentions but a lot of the time we just come up with good intentions that are certainly good, but are also certainly not our main focus in doing what we have set our minds on carrying out. I got my friend Sean to come. He is in my company and I knew he was a Christian so invited him to join me. I had never been able to have any spiritually-based conversations with him but I guess I was hoping that bringing him to such a place would provide room for such a possibility to take shape. He was cool with the idea and didn't have any big plans for the weekend. So we headed up there with my family, which was hardly awkward even though it was his first time around my family. We showed up and I kind of just let him warm up to place, tried to get him to meet people, even if it meant going off on my own so he kind of had to. On my part, I can make it look like this was wholly good intentions by which I was driven but in reality I have to admit that I was thinking of myself and how much I wanted to go spend time with some friends there. It was selfish of me, though at the same time I am thankful that God allowed Sean to make some friends while he was up there and have some good talks with people.
Looking back, I remember feeling like I didn't have enough time there instead of having an attitude of thanksgiving that I was able to have the time I did. I know I spent the weekend rather selfishly and really put God on hold for just that one day so I could enjoy myself or if I wasn't quite putting Him on hold, I know I definitely shifted Him from being my sole desire. It is frustrating thinking about it now because I think so much of what I should have done and in what ways my attitude should have been different. How could I have let God slip from being my one desire, my sole purpose for living? It's so frustrating for me in hindsight and I think it is the same for all Christians. It is painful but also what a blessing when we are actually able to recognize our failures. Once we do, how much more do we need God's grace and come to Him to make us pure. So it is painful but then also what joy in knowing God's mercy.
I am thankful to have had another learning experience even though it did hurt a little and definitely left me with a lot to sort out. On the way back, Sean and I got to have a good talk and so far this week we have continued sharing our thoughts and what God has been showing us. I would never have thought...It is amazing the mysterious ways in which God works. I felt like God used me in helping Sean be encouraged and provoked to grow, and all despite my failings and own selfishness at times. It is such a surprise to see the ways in which He uses us, even when we didn't really know what to expect. And I think if I did even expect anything, it surely wasn't this! How gracious a God!
So I continue to struggle this week with a lot of things but am thankful that I am able to recognize my failures and come to God with them and ask for His strength and His wisdom in my decisions when I want so badly to act on my emotional highs and lows. I am rolling through this book, "Wild At Heart" by John Eldredge and it is definitely altering my persepective and opening my eyes to a lot of things. I am also reading "The Cross-Centered Life" by C.J. Mahaney which deals with something I struggle with a lot, letting my feelings dictate how I think of and view my relationship with God, instead of resting in his grace that comes through the cross and making it the center of my everyday life. I would recommend both of these books to you as books you should read as soon as you can get your hands on them. They will definitely change your life. Duty calls (homework)...how dreadful ): May God use you in ways you never expected and bless you beyond what you could have ever imagined. (:

God is amazing even when He has every reason not to be. I have forty-eight hours at home by myself to reflect and be thankful for the past week spent working at the White Sulphur Springs retreat. The weather was beautiful all week, along with all the people there. After spending time there in the past, I would usually be left with a longing to return that would last a long while but I am finding that the more the song from my first entry becomes true and God becomes more than enough for my every thirst and need, that I am always able to find peace and be content wherever I go.
I sit behind my house in the late afternoon. Everything is still. Blue sky, birds, trees, flowers. Summer. My day alone has flown by and I have yet to get done all I need to. Last night I was out here, had a couple of cigarettes and enjoyed a beautiful evening. I sat slouched in my chair, feet on the table, sucking on burning leaf, thin wisps floating, curling in front and around me. I would look at my cigarette as I breathed in deeply the smoke I had taken in moments before. I found a peace in it that I welcomed after a stressful day. And then came the whisper in my mind, "Doesn't God promise to give His children His peace?" I brushed it aside, content to enjoy the soft object nestled between my fingers. "Atleast you're not sucking down two packs a day like some people," chipped in another voice, trying to comfort and soothe me in my brief moment of unrest at the soft sound of the whisper. I sat inside a little later, my Bible open to Philippians 4:8, having remembered something of what it said. God spoke to me then through that whole chapter and I knew in my heart at that moment that cigarettes were something I was holding back and needed to give up to God, forever. That last word was the hardest to accept and pain filled me as I realized in my mind what I would be giving up. I fell from the couch onto the floor and wept like a child, sobbing, sucking in deep, desperate breaths, crying out to God to take what I had idolized minutes before outside. Then the peace came, as it always does from our faithful God and I was able to find the peace my heart truly longed for, God's peace.
I knew I had to get rid of those cigarettes and so obtained what I thought were the necessary means. No old metal cans were lying around so in my ultimate wisdom I grabbed an empty glass Corona bottle from the recycle bin. Looking back on what was about to happen, I wonder at what I was thinking. I headed out back with my cigarette case, cigarettes, Bible, paper, pen, empty Corona bottle, and matches. I set up on the brick patio, stuffing my cigarettes into the bottle along with a paper on which I had written things and people that I was giving to God. I remember sitting back and looking at the glass bottle full of cigarettes and wondering how on earth fire was going to have enough oxygen down there inside. Well, I lit a match, dropped it inside. Nothing. I remembered an old Calvin and Hobbes cartoon and went to get some gasoline. I poured a little in the bottle, though not without drenching my hands in the process. That would do the trick. Match lit, dropped in. Something. Not what I wanted exactly. Unless what I wanted was a glass Corona candle:) I sat back and laughed to myself, "Patrick, you sure can be pretty dumb." Time to use the outdoor portable furnace conveniently sitting next to me. What a friend. I poured some gasoline in there. I never saw a fire start so quickly and with such force than when I tossed that match in there. The contents of my extinguished Corona candle were dumped into the fire. This wasn't the peaceful reflective time I had planned for with my hands covered in gasoline, left index finger burnt, and me sitting, frustrated at my lack of common sense. I chuckled to myself the way one would watching something he hates burn to ashes. I wrote out Philippians 4:4-12 on a piece of paper and put it in my Snoopy cigarette case. I know that there will be times when I will want to give in, being stressed out and feeling weak, and that's when I will pull my case out of my pocket and read that verse inside. Here is part of it, "...Be anxious for nothing but in everything by prayer and supplication, let your needs be made known to God, and the peace of God which surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus..." That peace did come to me as I showered and later lay in bed pondering. I learned some practical and spiritual lessons that night which I will always remember as I look back and laugh at myself. I like to think that, seeing me sitting there outside in my pained, frustrated, and emotionally broken state and knowing me through and through, God was chuckling to Himself and smiling down on me lovingly.

Well, the weekend is over which normally would be a bad thing except that I had a great weekend and this next week is my last week of Calculus for the summer. By the way, the Kenny Chesney concert was definitely an interesting experience. My dad was decked out in his bluejeans, cowboy boots, and cowboy hat. I did not own any of those items except for the blue jeans but I did wear my older brother's cowboy hat. We were glad we did though because guess what...everyone else there had cowboys hats! Surprise, surprise. The one thing that struck me the most the whole trip was just the beauty of God's creation. There were beautiful drives down two lane roads with green forest hanging over, filtering sunlight, scattering it in patches around us. What a peaceful drive and good time spent together. We got to the concert a little late but still got a spot on the grass. Deana Carter ended up opening and we walked in to her playing my favorite of her songs, "We Danced Anyway". Something about good country love songs just really moves me. They are songs about simple things, and love so often shows itself in these simple things. As I was listening to one song being played, I was just filled with this longing to be with that person God has waiting for me and how wonderful it would be to share this time with her. We were up on a hill on lawn seats and the night was just beautiful. Storms cloud were passing over and lightning kept flashing behind the pavillion. I looked up at the sky during this song and was just struck by the beauty of the wind, the lightning, the clouds, and the full moon that peeked through every so often. It was as if God was saying, "Patrick, I am in control. Don't worry about her, she is in My hands now." I was just filled with this desire to rest in the beauty of all that He is and I thought, what a faithful and loving God! Anyway, it was a nice time spent with my dad though with two big introverts, you can imagine the social activity wasn't too high. Sometimes just being with someone you care about is enough to make it worthwhile.
I made a cd recently with a lot of hymns and some worship and am sending it out to a bunch of people. Feel free to request one and I would be happy to send it. I have spent money on less worthwhile things so it's no problem. I get to go up to White Sulphur Springs at the end of the week. It is a Christian retreat center where I have been working for countless summers. It's hard to describe the place except filled with God's presence and there's always people I love there that I haven't seen in so long. They always have square and line dancing every other week which is actually a lot of fun..atleast for me. You might be pleasantly surprised too. This old guy has been running the square dance with his record player since I was really little. For some reason his wife would always ask me to dance. I guess I am attractive to old women:) Is that's a bad thing? She kept looking at me funny when I would just make up my own steps. I guess they take their square dancing seriously..hmm. I always wanted to take dance lessons, like salsa dancing or swing dancing...there is still time, I guess. Still time for you too...:)

Have you ever found yourself wishing you were somewhere else or with someone else? And then you think, if only you could be there or with that person then everything would be alright. Looking back over the past couple weeks here I have spent at summer school, I realize I have spent half my time thinking about the future or about what I could have done in the past that would have made the present better for me. As I was lying in bed just now thinking, I got this funny feeling today that something is wrong with this. Does God not tell us not to worry about the future? Was it the the "worry" or the "future" part that I was confused about?
"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart."
Familiar verse. So where do I sign up for this delighting thing so I can get what I want? I think too many times I try to sign contracts and bargain with God to get what I want. I have grown up doing this my whole life, with parents, with siblings, and even with friends sometimes, so no wonder I apply it without thinking to my relationship with God. I am realizing more and more each day that God works by grace and though I do not even deserve to have a relationship with Him, He wants me to come find delight in Him. And so I find that the delighting comes before the desires because once I do delight, my desires change dramatically. I think of these times and of how I couldn't help letting a smile creep onto my face. I thought of all the people I loved and wanted to tell about this overflowing joy that filled me. So I would sit down and write a letter and just let it spill all over the pages. And it didn't matter whether they had or had never known this joy or what they might think of me. What mattered was 'now'. Not the past, not the future, but now and all I could do to serve others for Him. Do I feel like that now? Actually, I feel like I ate too much, want to go to sleep, and don't have the energy to talk to anyone. :) Still, God commands me to love Him and I don't always feel like it. That's what love is though and faith also has a lot to do with it. Believing no matter how I feel because it's what my heart knows is true. There is this truth that I can't completely hold onto all the time but am constantly trying to catch glimpses of and learn more about it. And the promise that one day I will fully know this truth and love the Lord with all my heart, soul, and strength is enough to keep me persevering even when I feel like I have been run over by a steamroller...like right now:)
I'm going to see Kenny Chesney for my first country music concert and guess who I am taking...my dad. He kept asking me if there was some girl I wanted to go with and I was like, "Dad, if I wanted to go with a girl, I would have asked a girl." I guess he gets a little suspicious whenever I want to spend time with him. I will have to work on that. Do you ever feel hesitant of talking to someone because you feel like they might get sick of you? How could you! It is just a funny feeling I get sometimes. Until next time...be strong..and courageous.

This is definitely my first time writing in a public journal and it is done after reading someone's journal that describes myself and gives words to my feelings better than I ever could. Nevertheless I will make my attempts at probably very scattered intervals. I do so mainly because I am sometimes afraid to show people who I really am and in so doing, I realize it will be very humbling. I guess I feel ashamed of what I am like a lot of the time. I thrive on emotions and they control me to a degree that is exciting at times and at other times, results a deeply felt confusion and pain. I love the arts, music, poetry, drama. I love to feel and to observe others as they feel things. I huddle up in my seat at dramatic performances and spend much of my time watching the reactions of others at certain parts. I've cried at a few movies and have to say that sometimes I enjoy crying because of the depth of feeling involved. You probably don't know many guys like this and that is exactly my concern in exposing myself to others. I tend to be good at acting and just plain being fake. It hurts being fake. I think everyone wants to be themselves and show others who they are, have others understand them, and most of all find acceptance in others. Thus there is a dilemma that everyone faces of showing their true self and being criticized, or adjusting their actions in order to be accepted. We all face it to different extents though I think we are all good at not thinking about it too much. I think there is a pain in being yourself but there is also a freedom. Right now I set off in search of this freedom knowing that we can only be truly content if this freedom comes from God and in knowing that He is more than enough. I think of the song, "More Than Enough", and I feel it describes what my desire is and by believing it more and more, we all come closer and closer to this freedom.
"All of you is more than enough for all of me. For every thirst and every need, you satisfy me with your love. And all I have in You, Jesus, is more than enough. You are my supply, my breath of life, and still more awesome than I know. You are my reward, worth living for, and still more awesome than I know. You are my sacrifice of greatest price. You are coming King, You are Everything, and still more awesome than I know."