God is amazing even when He has every reason not to be. I have forty-eight hours at home by myself to reflect and be thankful for the past week spent working at the White Sulphur Springs retreat. The weather was beautiful all week, along with all the people there. After spending time there in the past, I would usually be left with a longing to return that would last a long while but I am finding that the more the song from my first entry becomes true and God becomes more than enough for my every thirst and need, that I am always able to find peace and be content wherever I go.
I sit behind my house in the late afternoon. Everything is still. Blue sky, birds, trees, flowers. Summer. My day alone has flown by and I have yet to get done all I need to. Last night I was out here, had a couple of cigarettes and enjoyed a beautiful evening. I sat slouched in my chair, feet on the table, sucking on burning leaf, thin wisps floating, curling in front and around me. I would look at my cigarette as I breathed in deeply the smoke I had taken in moments before. I found a peace in it that I welcomed after a stressful day. And then came the whisper in my mind, "Doesn't God promise to give His children His peace?" I brushed it aside, content to enjoy the soft object nestled between my fingers. "Atleast you're not sucking down two packs a day like some people," chipped in another voice, trying to comfort and soothe me in my brief moment of unrest at the soft sound of the whisper. I sat inside a little later, my Bible open to Philippians 4:8, having remembered something of what it said. God spoke to me then through that whole chapter and I knew in my heart at that moment that cigarettes were something I was holding back and needed to give up to God, forever. That last word was the hardest to accept and pain filled me as I realized in my mind what I would be giving up. I fell from the couch onto the floor and wept like a child, sobbing, sucking in deep, desperate breaths, crying out to God to take what I had idolized minutes before outside. Then the peace came, as it always does from our faithful God and I was able to find the peace my heart truly longed for, God's peace.
I knew I had to get rid of those cigarettes and so obtained what I thought were the necessary means. No old metal cans were lying around so in my ultimate wisdom I grabbed an empty glass Corona bottle from the recycle bin. Looking back on what was about to happen, I wonder at what I was thinking. I headed out back with my cigarette case, cigarettes, Bible, paper, pen, empty Corona bottle, and matches. I set up on the brick patio, stuffing my cigarettes into the bottle along with a paper on which I had written things and people that I was giving to God. I remember sitting back and looking at the glass bottle full of cigarettes and wondering how on earth fire was going to have enough oxygen down there inside. Well, I lit a match, dropped it inside. Nothing. I remembered an old Calvin and Hobbes cartoon and went to get some gasoline. I poured a little in the bottle, though not without drenching my hands in the process. That would do the trick. Match lit, dropped in. Something. Not what I wanted exactly. Unless what I wanted was a glass Corona candle:) I sat back and laughed to myself, "Patrick, you sure can be pretty dumb." Time to use the outdoor portable furnace conveniently sitting next to me. What a friend. I poured some gasoline in there. I never saw a fire start so quickly and with such force than when I tossed that match in there. The contents of my extinguished Corona candle were dumped into the fire. This wasn't the peaceful reflective time I had planned for with my hands covered in gasoline, left index finger burnt, and me sitting, frustrated at my lack of common sense. I chuckled to myself the way one would watching something he hates burn to ashes. I wrote out Philippians 4:4-12 on a piece of paper and put it in my Snoopy cigarette case. I know that there will be times when I will want to give in, being stressed out and feeling weak, and that's when I will pull my case out of my pocket and read that verse inside. Here is part of it, "...Be anxious for nothing but in everything by prayer and supplication, let your needs be made known to God, and the peace of God which surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus..." That peace did come to me as I showered and later lay in bed pondering. I learned some practical and spiritual lessons that night which I will always remember as I look back and laugh at myself. I like to think that, seeing me sitting there outside in my pained, frustrated, and emotionally broken state and knowing me through and through, God was chuckling to Himself and smiling down on me lovingly.

Well, the weekend is over which normally would be a bad thing except that I had a great weekend and this next week is my last week of Calculus for the summer. By the way, the Kenny Chesney concert was definitely an interesting experience. My dad was decked out in his bluejeans, cowboy boots, and cowboy hat. I did not own any of those items except for the blue jeans but I did wear my older brother's cowboy hat. We were glad we did though because guess what...everyone else there had cowboys hats! Surprise, surprise. The one thing that struck me the most the whole trip was just the beauty of God's creation. There were beautiful drives down two lane roads with green forest hanging over, filtering sunlight, scattering it in patches around us. What a peaceful drive and good time spent together. We got to the concert a little late but still got a spot on the grass. Deana Carter ended up opening and we walked in to her playing my favorite of her songs, "We Danced Anyway". Something about good country love songs just really moves me. They are songs about simple things, and love so often shows itself in these simple things. As I was listening to one song being played, I was just filled with this longing to be with that person God has waiting for me and how wonderful it would be to share this time with her. We were up on a hill on lawn seats and the night was just beautiful. Storms cloud were passing over and lightning kept flashing behind the pavillion. I looked up at the sky during this song and was just struck by the beauty of the wind, the lightning, the clouds, and the full moon that peeked through every so often. It was as if God was saying, "Patrick, I am in control. Don't worry about her, she is in My hands now." I was just filled with this desire to rest in the beauty of all that He is and I thought, what a faithful and loving God! Anyway, it was a nice time spent with my dad though with two big introverts, you can imagine the social activity wasn't too high. Sometimes just being with someone you care about is enough to make it worthwhile.
I made a cd recently with a lot of hymns and some worship and am sending it out to a bunch of people. Feel free to request one and I would be happy to send it. I have spent money on less worthwhile things so it's no problem. I get to go up to White Sulphur Springs at the end of the week. It is a Christian retreat center where I have been working for countless summers. It's hard to describe the place except filled with God's presence and there's always people I love there that I haven't seen in so long. They always have square and line dancing every other week which is actually a lot of fun..atleast for me. You might be pleasantly surprised too. This old guy has been running the square dance with his record player since I was really little. For some reason his wife would always ask me to dance. I guess I am attractive to old women:) Is that's a bad thing? She kept looking at me funny when I would just make up my own steps. I guess they take their square dancing seriously..hmm. I always wanted to take dance lessons, like salsa dancing or swing dancing...there is still time, I guess. Still time for you too...:)

Have you ever found yourself wishing you were somewhere else or with someone else? And then you think, if only you could be there or with that person then everything would be alright. Looking back over the past couple weeks here I have spent at summer school, I realize I have spent half my time thinking about the future or about what I could have done in the past that would have made the present better for me. As I was lying in bed just now thinking, I got this funny feeling today that something is wrong with this. Does God not tell us not to worry about the future? Was it the the "worry" or the "future" part that I was confused about?
"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart."
Familiar verse. So where do I sign up for this delighting thing so I can get what I want? I think too many times I try to sign contracts and bargain with God to get what I want. I have grown up doing this my whole life, with parents, with siblings, and even with friends sometimes, so no wonder I apply it without thinking to my relationship with God. I am realizing more and more each day that God works by grace and though I do not even deserve to have a relationship with Him, He wants me to come find delight in Him. And so I find that the delighting comes before the desires because once I do delight, my desires change dramatically. I think of these times and of how I couldn't help letting a smile creep onto my face. I thought of all the people I loved and wanted to tell about this overflowing joy that filled me. So I would sit down and write a letter and just let it spill all over the pages. And it didn't matter whether they had or had never known this joy or what they might think of me. What mattered was 'now'. Not the past, not the future, but now and all I could do to serve others for Him. Do I feel like that now? Actually, I feel like I ate too much, want to go to sleep, and don't have the energy to talk to anyone. :) Still, God commands me to love Him and I don't always feel like it. That's what love is though and faith also has a lot to do with it. Believing no matter how I feel because it's what my heart knows is true. There is this truth that I can't completely hold onto all the time but am constantly trying to catch glimpses of and learn more about it. And the promise that one day I will fully know this truth and love the Lord with all my heart, soul, and strength is enough to keep me persevering even when I feel like I have been run over by a steamroller...like right now:)
I'm going to see Kenny Chesney for my first country music concert and guess who I am taking...my dad. He kept asking me if there was some girl I wanted to go with and I was like, "Dad, if I wanted to go with a girl, I would have asked a girl." I guess he gets a little suspicious whenever I want to spend time with him. I will have to work on that. Do you ever feel hesitant of talking to someone because you feel like they might get sick of you? How could you! It is just a funny feeling I get sometimes. Until next time...be strong..and courageous.

This is definitely my first time writing in a public journal and it is done after reading someone's journal that describes myself and gives words to my feelings better than I ever could. Nevertheless I will make my attempts at probably very scattered intervals. I do so mainly because I am sometimes afraid to show people who I really am and in so doing, I realize it will be very humbling. I guess I feel ashamed of what I am like a lot of the time. I thrive on emotions and they control me to a degree that is exciting at times and at other times, results a deeply felt confusion and pain. I love the arts, music, poetry, drama. I love to feel and to observe others as they feel things. I huddle up in my seat at dramatic performances and spend much of my time watching the reactions of others at certain parts. I've cried at a few movies and have to say that sometimes I enjoy crying because of the depth of feeling involved. You probably don't know many guys like this and that is exactly my concern in exposing myself to others. I tend to be good at acting and just plain being fake. It hurts being fake. I think everyone wants to be themselves and show others who they are, have others understand them, and most of all find acceptance in others. Thus there is a dilemma that everyone faces of showing their true self and being criticized, or adjusting their actions in order to be accepted. We all face it to different extents though I think we are all good at not thinking about it too much. I think there is a pain in being yourself but there is also a freedom. Right now I set off in search of this freedom knowing that we can only be truly content if this freedom comes from God and in knowing that He is more than enough. I think of the song, "More Than Enough", and I feel it describes what my desire is and by believing it more and more, we all come closer and closer to this freedom.
"All of you is more than enough for all of me. For every thirst and every need, you satisfy me with your love. And all I have in You, Jesus, is more than enough. You are my supply, my breath of life, and still more awesome than I know. You are my reward, worth living for, and still more awesome than I know. You are my sacrifice of greatest price. You are coming King, You are Everything, and still more awesome than I know."