The Banquet and Aloneness with Jesus

Sunday worship at church...

Someone shared a prophetic word at the microphone up front from Luke 14:16-24 where Jesus tells of a man who prepared a banquet for people. Everyone he invited made excuses though, saying they had to go check out their field, another had to go examine his oxen, and another was getting married. Standing their with my eyes closed listening to the words, I couldn't help but laugh at the absurdity of those men. They had to go check on their field or their oxen! What were they going to do, go check Bessie for fleas while Jesus has a banquet prepared for them?! Oh, it seems so absurd and what was so convicting at the same time was that I knew I was just as absurd in my own life. Every morning, God invites me to a banquet that he's prepared for me. And what is my excuse?

Wait, Lord, let me eat my Grape Nuts and check my email!

It's kinda funny because it's so crazy but it's really so serious at the same time. The parable ends with the man saying that none of those men would taste the banquet. I was so thankful to hear that scripture Sunday morning because it seemed handpicked by God for my heart and afterwards, as we sang Be thou my vision, Lord of my heart..., my heart just wanted to run to Jesus and be close to him. God has been using those words already this week in convicting me to drop everything and go to the banquet. I love when Jesus uses such stories to show how really stupid I am and to wake me up from deadly habits. This morning was one of a little painful adjustment and reminding myself to go to the banquet but I was so glad I did...

I also read a wonderful post from Mark Driscoll today and I loved the quote he used from Dietrich Bonhoeffer.

“Only in fellowship do we learn to be rightly alone and only in aloneness do we learn to be rightly in fellowship.”

I can so relate with this right now as I struggle to be satisfied in Christ during both alone times and during times with other people. The two seem to feed each other though and build on one another. I really want to learn not to go back and forth between focusing too much on one end of the spectrum but to learn how they both relate and when the Spirit is leading me to spend my time in a certain way. My heart really just cries out to be satisfied in Jesus but I guess it is learning how that is played out in the everyday of mingled solitude and relationships.

The Kite Runner: Hassan's Love

This book, The Kite Runner, is simply an amazing story. The love displayed by the boy, Hassan, in the story brings me to tears every time I read about his relationship with the main character, Amir. They grow up together as friends but Hassan is from what is considered an inferior race in Afghanistan. Amir becomes torn between his love for Hassan and it being accepted by those around them. I'll quote here one my favorites parts. It's one of many displays of Hassan's love that brought me to tears. Hassan was raped in an alley by some neighborhood bullies. Amir stood by watching, torn whether or not to stand up for his friend. In the end, he did nothing and watched his friend get raped even though Hassan had stood up to protect Amir countless times. Unable to live in the same house with Hassan in the days that follow, Amir plants some of his money and his watch in Hassan's room, making it look like it was stolen in order to get his father, Baba, to get rid of Hassan as their servant. This quote begins with the confrontation that ensues. I can't explain all the intricacies of the story that make this such a powerful scene but it atleast gives a small taste.


They'd both been crying; I could tell from their red, puffed-up eyes. They (Hassan and his father) stood before Baba (Amir's father), hand in hand, and I wondered how and when I'd become capable of causing this kind of pain.
Baba came right out and asked. "Did you steal that money? Did you steal Amir's watch, Hassan?"
Hassan's reply was a single word, delivered in a thin, raspy voice: "Yes."
I flinched, like I'd been slapped. My heart sank and I almost blurted out the truth. Then I understood: This was Hassan's final sacrifice for me. If he'd said no, Baba would have believed him because we all knew Hassan never lied. And if Baba believed him, then I'd be the accused; I would have to explain and I would be revealed for what I really was. Baba would never, ever forgive me. And that led to another understanding: Hassan knew. He knew I'd seen everything in that alley, that I'd stood there and done nothing. he knew I had betrayed him and yet he was rescuing me once again, maybe for the last time. I loved him in that moment, loved him more than I'd ever loved anyone, and I wanted to tell them all that I was the snake in the grass, the monster in the lake. I wasn't worthy of this sacrifice; I was a lair, a cheat, and a thief. And I would have told, except that a part of me was glad. Glad that this would all be over with soon. Baba would dismiss them, there would be some pain, but life would love on. I wanted that, to move on, to forget, to start with a clean slate. I wanted to be able to breathe again.
Except Baba stunned me by saying, "I forgive you."

I think what hits my heart the most is that I relate. I do things that are despicable so many times, especially in light of God's love shown to me. Like Amir, I've often wondered how and when I'd become capable of causing this kind of pain. It is so powerful to watch how Hassan's past love, in the face of being raped and then betrayed by his best friend, haunts Amir in his efforts to run away from and bury his past sin. It is much how Christ's love haunts me in the midst of my sin. I feel like Amir and my whole life I am struggling to come to terms with this love that I don't deserve. It painful, hard, wonderful, and sweet all at the same time. Even after a life of opening my heart to my Savior's love, I know I will still not have fully come to terms with it. But I do know that I want more and more of His love. I pray that Christ's love would haunt me all the way to my grave.

Shawarmas

A beautiful sunny, cool and breezy day in Bahrain was made even more beautiful by three delicious mega shawarmas from the local shawarma stand. As a former shawarma-skeptic I was coaxed into trying one months ago at the very same stand. I bought my sample from the nice Arab man for the wonderful price of $1.50 and sat down to eat. It wasn't long before I was ordering two more. Simply delicious and addicting!
A mega shawarma, my personal favorite, is a soft, warm tortilla/pita filled with thin pieces of marinated meat, lettuce, french fries and a white sauce. It seems a little odd which was why I was skeptical at first but afterwards I would not have been able to stop to tell you about it because my mouth was filled with beloved shawarma goodness.

Tonight will be a nice evening with my friend who is here and hopefully our dinner will include some beautifully crafted shawarmas as the Middle Eastern sun sets. :)

After the Election: Trusting Jesus and Longing for Him

I think the best blog I read in response to the election was from Mark Driscoll, pastor of Mars Hill Church in Seattle. Click here to read.

"There is a hope that burns within my heart
That gives me strength for every passing day
A glimpse of glory now revealed in meager part
Yet drives all doubt away.
I stand in Christ with sins forgiv'n
And Christ in me the hope of heav'n
My highest calling and my deepest joy
To make His will my own."
-from Stuart Townend's "There Is A Hope"

"He led them by the straight way till they reached a city to dwell in. Let them thank the Lord for his steadfast love, for his wondrous works to the children of man! For he satisfies the longing soul and the hungry soul he fills with good things."
Psalm 107.7-9

Make more of Jesus.

The Redeemer and the Election

Put your hope in me!

As I watch the news and the two silly candidates giving motivating speeches, this is the basic message I hear. Put your hope in me. And to that I say, No! No, I won't put my hope in you because my hope is in Jesus! There was a day two thousand years ago when the disciples thought all was lost. Jesus was on the cross and breathed what was thought to be his last breath. All was not lost though; Jesus conquered death and rose again! And ever since then God has been redeeming seemingly dark and hopeless situations. Jesus is our Redeemer and he continues to redeem because he is alive! I am excited for November 4th to come and every day after because that will be a day that Jesus is alive and redeeming. No matter who is President, we are hopeless without Jesus!

I just finished a book about the Christian church growing in a Muslim country. The Christians there had to put their hope in Jesus and be willing to die for Him. Two of the young men had dreams one day to go preach Jesus Christ on the steps of Mecca! What faith and love for their Savior! The church there is still growing in the face of opposition, imprisonments and death and they are bringing change to culture around them with the love of Christ. The book reminded me that the hope for change in any culture is the church putting their hope in Jesus Christ and reaching out into the darkness with the glorious light of their Redeemer and Savior. People will see the love and forgiveness of Christ through the church and that will bring more change to the culture than anything else could.

I'm not saying it doesn't matter who is President, just that it matters infinitely more that Jesus is on the throne and that he is the promised and faithful Redeemer of our lives and the world. In the midst of watching the news and trying not to yell at the tv screen (I am guilty here), in the midst of injustice and inconsistency, and in the midst of voting on November 4th, put your hope in Jesus! Only HE is worthy and only HE can keep his promise to redeem the world. Let hope rise because of Jesus and his church where He lives and breathes by his Spirit.

Let hope rise!
The darkness trembles in your holy light
Every eye will see Jesus our God
Great and mighty to be praised!
-from "With Everything" by Hillsong

And now, O Lord, for what do I wait?
My hope is in you.
Psalm 39:7

Haiku For My Grandmother

I've been emailing my grandmother in Seattle while I've been at sea and she has been encouraging me to write haiku. She knows I like writing poetry and in fact, is in a large part responsible for my liking of poetry. She introduced one of her own haiku as an example. You may guess by the haiku that she is an Obama supporter and has a quite dry since of humor.

Morning broken
Shattered by the jerk who stole
My Obama sign

Traditionally haiku are supposed to be about nature but you can do whatever you please I suppose. She asked me to write some of my own and in my next email I didn't so she asked me again. Here are the ones that I sent her in the next email.

Seattle sunshine
No, not today--so we wait
And smile at the clouds

My grandmother says people in Seattle don't smile at the clouds, they spit at them. This second one was her favorite I think because it describes things we both absolutely love!

The morning--coffee
Wind chimes in the breeze--pancakes
A book on the couch

And the last one was inspired by reading Thomas Watson who wrote, "Never do the flowers of grace grow more than after a shower of repentant tears."

Rain falls--bitter drops--
Tears soften the surface--dry hearts
Soon to grow sweet fruit

Tears of Adoption

I was listening to a song tonight called, "All I Really Want For Christmas" by Steven Curtis Chapman. It's sung from the perspective of an adopted child crying out in hope of having a family. I have listened to the song many times but tonight it brought me to tears as I listened,

All I really want for Christmas is for someone to tuck me in,
Tell me I'll never be alone, someone whose love will never end...

As tears came to my eyes I thought about what a joy it would be to adopt to a child and raise him or her. I thought about how it's a lot of work to adopt a child but that seems like such a dumb excuse in light of that child's need! I know some day I want to adopt a child.
I think what really gets me about this song every time I hear it is that I feel like the words of the song are the words of my own heart. My heart wants to have someone tell me that I'll never be alone and for that someone to have love that never ends. And I know that someone is my Father in heaven. Except he's not just in heaven anymore! Haha, he shone into the world through Jesus and now He stays with, even inside us through His Spirit. I love my Father so much and I know in my heart that I will NEVER be alone and His love will NEVER end! Haha, that makes me laugh through my tears. God has been softening my heart lately and calming my soul, giving me dreams and passions to give my life away for Him. He has been making my heart more like a child, quick to trust, quick to hope, quick to believe, and quick to rest in His presence. I am so thankful for Him!

I'll set my gaze on God alone
And trust in Him completely
With every day pour out my soul
And He will prove His mercy
Though life is but a fleeting breath
A sigh to brief to measure
My King has crushed the curse of death
And I am His forever.
-from Stuart Townend, "My Soul Finds Rest (Psalm 62)"

The Sigh of Autumn

by Patrick Kruse

Autumn is like a sigh
After deep breaths of summer joys.
Bright mornings filled with birds singing,
Warm afternoons with the sun shining
On green trees that sway in the wind,
Swaying still in the cool evenings
As their shadows move against the sky.
These are all joys that linger with sweetness
As the cool autumn days descend.

Autumn is like a sigh
As the wind loosens the colored leaves
And creeps through your sweater,
Making you shiver;
As your bicycle rolls past smoking chimneys
And leaves crunch softly in your path;
As you finally sink into your cushioned seat
And scents of stew and spice
Settle in your nose.

Autumn is like sigh
As both sweet and painful memories
Become stars in the winter sky;
As the cold wind makes ripples on the water
And you slip silently downstream;
And nature uses its last, measured breaths
To sing a sweet song
Before it closes its eyes in death.

A Father's Heart

How important is the word "Father" in the Bible? It's a word not used to refer to God until the New Testament and when it finally is, it refers to the Father who sent His Son to die for us. Then Jesus uses it repeatedly when referring to God and even urges his disciples to pray to God as their Father in the Lord's Prayer.
I say all this to show just important the word "Father" is in the Bible and how important that men imitate their Father by learning to be good fathers, not only to their children, but to younger men in their church. It is one of the qualities I know I need to be already preparing for as I strive to grow into a man.
I find it interesting what Mark Driscoll writes on why he loves John Piper:

"He has a father’s heart. Unlike so many older men who are threatened by, competitive with, or critical of young men, I have repeatedly seen Dr. Piper have a father’s heart to encourage, exhort, and empower young men. The few times we’ve been able to sit down together have been incredibly transforming."

I not only see the father's heart in John Piper but I see the lacking Mark talks of in so many older men. As a young man (feeling like a boy still in many ways) I have been frustrated by the lack of older men with a father's heart to encourage young men in striving to put on spiritual manhood. I look around both inside my church and outside my church and see young men who are in desperate need of humble men who are willing to walk alongside them and help them grow. There are very few passionate fathers walking around who are looking to encourage, exhort, and empower young men. My earthly father has been wonderful and I don't know where I would be without his presence in my life but now that I am out of the house and living in a different city, my interaction with him is limited. I have a longing to be fathered. I want to be challenged by an older man to grow and take risks for God's glory! I have taken this longing to my heavenly Father and found him waiting there to take me in his arms and then walk through tough situations with me. He truly has been the best Father ever! He challenges me, loves me deeply, and calls me to takes risks for his glory (although He tries to assure me they aren't risks when He is involved!).

So in conclusion, I want to make sure I am continually bringing my longing to be fathered to God. I also want to make sure, in the midst of any frustation I may experience, that I never stop seeking encouragement and exhortation from older men in my life. God created us to be in relationship with each other and so God being a Father does not excuse men of being delinquent fathers to the younger men around them. The father's heart of John Piper points Mark Driscoll to the glory of the true Father. People see the glory of God when the role of fatherhood is lived out in imitation of God! It is not excusable then that we neglect this display of God's glory. We bring glory to God first by crying out to Him humbly as our Father and then by living out fatherhood and being strong and passionate fathers to those younger men in our lives. And so I want to learn to be a father, not only for any children I may have one day, but for the younger men out there who need someone to encourage them, exhort them, and continually point them to the perfect Father who will grow them and lead them ultimately to heaven. What a beautiful and inspiring thing when men display God's glory in this way!

"But when the fullness of time had come, God sent forth his Son, born of woman, born under the law, to redeem those who were under the law, so that we might receive adoption as sons. And because you are sons, God has sent the Spirit of His Son into our hearts, crying 'Abba! Father!' So you are no longer a slave, but a son, and if a son, then an heir through God."
Galatians 4:4-7

A Love For The Word: Hope and Feelings

My hope.

It determines my actions, the steps I take, the words I speak, who I love, how I love. These are important things, powerful things that seem to determine so much of my life's usefulness in bringing glory to God.

Where does my hope rest?

This is quite easy to see. All one would have to do is watch my life and see what has the most effect in determining my actions each day. And I think you would see quite quickly that there are two things in conflict with each other. There is a dramatic and painful battle taking place in my heart that sometimes feels like it is wrenching it apart. It is God's Word and my feelings. You see, I often face a dilemma. It happens everyday. A situation arises where God's Word promises me one thing and my feelings tell me another. I may go to pray and find myself not feeling God's closeness. Yesterday I may have prayed for an hour all the while feeling quite passionately but now I feel nothing. Look closely in that moment to see where my hope rests. Will my hope remain unchanged or will it wilt with the vanishing of my feelings? You see, my hope often rests with my feelings and so it rises and falls with them. My feelings are clouds that come and go and when my hope is tied to them, it does the same. But look when my hope is tied to the Word of God and His promises. For when has His Word ever changed? It only takes you deeper and deeper and proves itself more faithful to your heart the more that you read it! And so the clouds will continue to shift and change from storms to sunshine back to more storms and will where my hope continue to rest? I pray that it will rest more and more securely to the Word of God, His promises and His love displayed therein. Oh, that I may pray an hour even in the midst of opposing feelings. May my song of love and praise to the One who is worthy cry out in the midst of rain and hail even as it beats against my skin. Lord, grow in me a love for your Word and may my hope be tied to Jesus Christ and His promises.

"Let the Word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all widsom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him."
Colossians 3:16-17

A Love For The Word and Running

"Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the wicked, nor stands in the way of sinners, nor sits in the seat of scoffers; but his delight is in the law of the Lord and on his law he meditates day and night. He is like a tree planted by streams of water that yields its fruit in its season, and its leaf does not wither."
Psalm 1:1-3

Where am I planted? Where do my roots extend when they long for water to satisfy? Do they extend into the Word and prayer with a longing to be closer to Jesus? I often find myself diving into a lot of other Christian books that talk a lot about the Word and it is as if I'm satisfied to get the nourishment of the Word indirectly. Now it would be one thing if I was constantly sinking deep roots into the Word, thirsting after it and then reading other books on the side. It is the opposite though; I sink my roots into other books which have a limited depth of soil and then drink from the Bible every so often on the side. I am honest in this. This is what I do. My prayers as of late have been for God to give me a love for the Word and I have been trying to do my part in simply reading it and sinking my roots into it.

I was running on the treadmill today and was thinking of its correlation with reading the Word. You see I have been running quite regularly for the past few weeks and pushing myself. There have been pain and longings to go back to sitting around drinking Coke and eating Starburst jellybeans but now that I have persevered through this first few weeks, there is such joy when I run now. There are times during the day when I just long to run! The quality and worth of running does not come close to the quality and worth of God's Word (not at all!) but I find such a similarity in the rewards of perseverance that come with reading the Word. Having just begun to really sink my roots into the Word, I feel like I am in the first weeks of getting into shape and it's hard sometimes! Sometimes I want to go back to the Coke and jellybeans of devotional books and things which are not the Word. I love such books but I want to be so careful that my roots are being drawn deeper and deeper into the Word above all else!

I'm praying that the Lord would give me deep roots in the Word and that I would long incessantly for the Word and closeness to Jesus therein. Oh, that like my growing love for running, there would be increasing times during the day when I just long to run to the Word and sink my roots in and drink! I want to be closer to Jesus and my heart is still learning to see Him living and breathing on every page! Why would I sink my main roots into shallow soil when the soil of Scripture is rich and deep and flows with the living water of heaven?

"O God, you are my God; earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you; my flesh faints for you, as in a dry and weary land where there is no water."
Psalm 63:1

Love & Timing

There are things in life that I wish would come sooner. Such things often come to the surface when I pray. Ha, those can sometimes be quite passionate prayers! Other times though I wish things would come later. So what really should I pray? First of all, I think the simple act of actually praying has done more to teach me about this than anything else. Recently, in the middle of praying, I was caught in this dilemma. It began to dawn on me that the best timing for anything is that which brings the most glory to Jesus Christ. So that has become my prayer and it's so awesome to pray with that in mind! It would look something likes this:

"Lord I want you to come back today! I just want to be with you finally and forever! But come back when it will bring the most glory to you for I know that is best and will bring me the most joy as well!"

That is how it should be too, I think. If we love God, such prayers overflow from our hearts and in His love for us, He brings about His glory to the maximum extent in our lives even when it's not what we planned or expected. It seems that once our love and joy gets intertwined with God's glory is when things start to get crazy! It takes us to whole other level of being satisfied in God on a daily basis. We can rejoice amidst trials and sunshine, torture and sweet times of fellowship, death and life, all because our love and joy are tied up in God's glory and do not depend on anything else. We can always rest assured that His timing is perfect in everything in our lives and we can rejoice out of love knowing that His glory is daily being revealed IN US! That is such a miracle that light shines into darkness, namely the darkness of our own hearts!

Come soon, Jesus! We eagerly wait for you! But come when you glory will shine the brightest! Lord, make that our prayer in every part of our lives.

Expressing Joy

How often do I get excited and it's merely about earthly things? I get excited about Chinese food, the fact that it's Friday, get-togethers with friends, a favorite ice cream. And all these things other people see me express joy in and it's such a beautiful and attractive joy. Joy at such times is contagious, is it not? So it became clear to me recently that there is a disconnect here. People see me expressing such ecstatic joy to the point of jumping up and down and singing over the fact that Chinese food has just arrived at my front door (General Tsao has a way of making me jump up and down). And then how do they see me when I interact with my Lord? I express joy about lesser things and find my joy in Christ is often inferior in its expression. My joy in Christ, joy at having been set free and forgiven, should be overflowing and pouring forth from my heart! And if it's not then I need to go to God in prayer and meditate on the salvation and inheritance he has bestowed upon me, both of which are filled with Him! I have a Lover, a Joy, a Friend, a Brother, a Father, an Anchor, and a Comforter all in Him! As I go to Him in prayer, it must not just be during my morning haze of waking up before work or my hurried utterances before claiming my much-desired sleep. My prayer must weave in and throughout my day, letting the joy imparted through my fellowship with God capture each moment. Oh, that my joy in Christ may grow and grow, welling up until its expression is unmatched and the light of Christ will shine through my joy for His glory.

Music

A little while ago I was thinking about how much I listen to worship music and how little I actually worship. I mean, what a gift, to have these worship songs on cd or iPod. They are songs that God inspired within peoples' hearts. Some were songs that people worked really hard on while others were songs that God may have given someone in ten minutes. These songs have words meant to direct the gaze of my heart towards Christ and my Father. And yet while I might comfort myself by the thought that I am atleast listening to such music, I know in my heart that I am not taking full advantage of it. As American Christians, it seems we have all the Bibles and worship music sitting right in front of us, but how little it is put to joyful excercise! I just finished reciting 2 Corinthians 3 to myself out loud and just felt led to put my heart and soul into its' reciting. It was amazing! There are times I have listened to worship music focusing on the words, applying them to my heart, applying them to my view of God, more fully surrendering my heart to Him, crying out to Him, and then quietly listening for His voice. Amazing things have happened during such times. When I write all this I do not have before me the goal of merely spending more time in these activities. My goal is to surrender more of my heart to Jesus, to have greater passion for His glory, and to give Him the worship He so dearly deserves. I do all this because He has loved me and gave His life for me. I love Him because He first loved me.

Leaving This World

I left today out to sea. I don't know for how long. A cold sensation hits me as I now begin seeing the days I had on land in a new light. What did I do with them? What did I live for? For now I have left that world and only what was done for Christ brings me joy as I look back. If I feel so now, how much more will I feel so when all my earthly days are past, never to be regained! What will my pursuit of earthly comfort and cowering under fear of man afford me then? Nothing but shame at having denied my Savior. And so I feel that mixture of shame and joy. Shame at having not been more bold during my last days and given all my heart-love-passion-surrender for his glory. But there is also joy at having been bold at times, having denied the world in exchange for surrender of all my person, love and being to Christ.

My unworthiness in both circumstances but for Christ, leaves me feeling the exhilarating weight and release of grace. Grace pushes me forward toward Christ in the days ahead which are passing just as quickly and the ever-flowing joy of the cross overwhelms the shame and joy that came with pursuing holiness during my last days. Have you ever seen a waterfall? Powerful, refreshing, peaceful. There is a waterfall of grace at the cross that falls powerfully into my heart when I will but stand under it. With such a waterfall, who could help but run this race with all their heart?

Peter must have oft recounted his repeated denial in the face of temporal wordly pressure. And yet he writes what must have been his resolved response to such remembrance.

"Therefore, preparing your minds for action and being sober-minded, set your hope fully on the grace that will be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ."
1 Peter 1:13

What follows in his writings are strong passionate words which condemn the fleeting world and exalt Christ. Peter, having faced past denials of Christ, tells us to place all our hope fully on the grace in Jesus Christ. It is a grace that overflows in determined, sober-minded action joined with passionate, joyful, suffering love for Christ. He is basically telling us to quit it with half-hearted wandering around. Get under the waterfall and His Spirit will lead you.

"All flesh is like grass and all its glory like the flower of grass. The grass withers, and the flower falls, but the Word of the Lord remains forever."
1 Peter 1:24-25

"For to this you have been called, because Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example, so that you might follow in his steps. He committed no sin, neither was deceit found in his mouth. When he was reviled, he did revile in return; when he suffered he did not threaten, but continued entrusting himself to him who judges justly. He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness. By his wounds you have been healed. For you were staying like sheep, but have now returned to the Shepherd and Overseer of your souls."
1 Peter 2: 21-25

Reasons For Each Step

If I were asked what my reason for living is I would answer that it is Jesus and bringing Him glory. But how about if I were asked what my reasons for individual steps I take in the days and weeks of my life? What if you were to zoom in and look at the decisions I make, the words I use, not to mention the thoughts that run through my head. As you take a closer look at my life, I think I would be quite stupid to try to fool you with such an answer as living for Jesus and bringing Him glory.

So what are my reasons for each step? Pleasing others, appearing spiritual, my own comfort. Those things encompass a large part of my motivation for doing things. I have to admit that it feels foolish to confess such motivations. It reveals how stubbornly I avoid repentance and how blind I am to my sin to begin with. Bringing my actual motivations to light and seeing just how foolish they are seems to be such an important part of true repentance and change. I realize that if I am going to truly live a life for God's glory, the individual steps of that life must one by one become for God's glory. Those steps must first shed their sinful motivation and then put on a motivation for the glory of God and source of all joy. A life lived for God's glory is made of individual grace-filled steps, each of them passionate for His glory.

Lord, reveal my sinful motivations and bring them to light. Take away my spiritual blindness and allow me to see not only my sin but the nailprints on your body that conquered and did away with sin's dominion over me. I am under your dominion now Jesus and you have filled me with your Spirit. Redeem each step of my life by your Spirit to be lived for your glory and joy. I know there no greater joy than in You!!

Passion

I just added the Passion 268blog to my bloglist. They are in the middle of a tour spreading the Gospel to college students around the world. So far they have been to Manila, Jakarta, Johannesburg, and Cape Town. It's so encouraging to read about! I seriously was brought to tears looking at it all. Some of the posts have over 1,000 comments on them from people. That is crazy!! Amazing to see pictures and read comments from people my age around the world who are growing in passion for the cross and their Savior. I pray that you are encouraged as well and inspired to fully surrender to Jesus and let Him give you His vision for your life which is so much bigger than your own.

"Yes Lord, walking in the way of Your truth we wait eagerly for You, for Your name and renown are the desire of our souls."
Isaiah 26:8

Memorizing With Joy

Take a look at these kids reciting 1 Corinthians 9:24-27! As I watched them reciting, I was seriously in shock. Now, I have heard kids recite scripture before but these kids were so excited as they recited it. Not only that, but they had the coolest body motions to go along with the verse. :)
I felt like I was being passionately preached to by a group of little kids. Their recitation was reminiscent of how C.J. Mahaney preaches, especially as they motioned and recited, "Run in such a way as to get...the...prize!" I was soooo blown away and encouraged to not only memorize but to memorize with joy and passion that comes naturally with the life that the verses bring. You be encouraged as well! If these kids can memorize and do it with passion and joy, so can you! Run in such a way as to get...the...prize!

"Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last; but we do it to get a crown that will last forever. Therefore I do not run like a man running aimlessly; I do not fight like a man beating the air. No, I beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize."
1 Corinthians 9:24-27

Actually Memorizing Scripture

Okay, let's do some pretending for a second. You are told that in one year you will have your Bible taken from you and you won't have one for the following year. What chapters or books of the Bible would you memorize? Notice I didn't say verses, but what chapters or books would you memorize? I think if I were in that situation I would probably spend some time in prayer and ask God what scripture He would have me memorize based on what issues of sin he was showing me and convicting me of. This is essentially what happened with my decision to memorize 1 Peter. I felt God leading me to and it began making more sense as the book seems to focus on instructing Christians how to live amongst unbelievers. Now, I have been trying to memorize 1 Peter for quite a while now, probably for almost a year, and God has put other scriptures on my heart along the way but I have learned so much through it. I have seen the depth of my own laziness and in contrast seen the abundance of God's grace in my weakness. You see, to actually memorize scripture and get it to stay you have to wrap your heart around it and meditate on it word by word. The labor of memorization forces you to and so it all seems perfectly designed for having the Word penetrate and change your heart.
And it is labor. I must stress that point. Yes, my motivation is love for Jesus but true love inevitably involves labor. I would encourage you in that the labor of memorizing scripture is made lighter, more enjoyable, and more focused by a companion. Many times on long trips in the car me and a friend will pick a section of scripture and recite it back and forth to one another, taking it in sections, until we both have it memorized. Often we both find ourselves talking about how it is already affecting out heart in that moment. Whenever I see the person from then on there is a bond of joy at having shared in seeing and savoring Christ together through His Word that is wonderful.
One of the reasons I have grown in love for memorizing scripture is that so many times my heart feels dead and lifeless. It is during these times that it longs most for the words of life to fill its' dry walls with water. Be encouraged to pick a section of scripture to memorize, whether it's a chapter or one of the smaller letters of the apostles, whatever God is leading you to do. May your heart be filled with the living water of Christ by His Spirit through His Word. May you see and savor Christ and as you behold His glory may you be transformed into the image of the One you behold.

"And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed in to the same image from on degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit."
2 Corinthians 3:18

Memorize Scripture

I spent this past week in Pennsylvania and it was one of the most refreshing weeks I could have had and a gift from the Lord. General and Mrs. Buckingham had a bunch of us young folks over for dinner one of the nights. They are always such a sweet and encouraging couple and have never stopped serving the Lord together. After dinner they made us some of their famous milkshakes and then General B led us in a devotional. One thing that has stuck with me was an encouragement to memorize scripture. He said many young people come to him for advice looking for direction in their lives especially in the area of waiting for their future spouse. He said he always encourages them to memorize scripture and that the Lord will speak to them as they do. I was like, "Yes, that is so good!" I have always experienced the Lord speaking me to in profound ways as I memorize scripture. As I seek the Lord for what he has for my life, he is already giving me vision as I seek Him in his Word. Thank you General and Mrs. B for encouraging us and pointing us to where our true joy is in the Savior!

Wasted Lives

What do wasted lives look like? In John Piper's book, "Don't Waste Your Life", he tells the story of an old man in his town who finally came to salvation near the end of his life. The old man wept as he received Christ saying, "I've wasted it! I've wasted it!" John Piper was affected by this sight at a young age and also by a plaque that hung in his house. It read,

Only one life,
'Twill soon be past
Only what's done
for Christ will last.

What does this mean? To be honest I don't know exactly what it means. I think I know some things it doesn't mean though. I know it doesn't mean sitting on your butt watching tv. I know it doesn't mean building a mini-kingdom of earthly things that satisfy us and bring us pleasure. I know it doesn't mean living a lukewarm life of going to church and working a job that fills your bank account so that you can give your 10% to the church and spend the rest on yourself. I give all these examples in such detail because I have been guilty of all of them. I can tell you that there is absolutely no lasting joy in any of these things. So when I say I don't know exactly what the quote means, I guess I mean to say that I don't know exactly what it will look like for everyone. I think it will involve a whole lot of sacrifice and a whole lot of joy. I have tasted some of this joy of offering my body as a living sacrifice and there is no other joy like it. The comfort of middle-class American life is nothing compared to the exhilarating joy of being caught up in God's glory.

So what will living out the above quote look like for you who are reading this? What wonderful visions might God put into the heart that is wholly offered to Him! God will give you a vision and will lead you. Do you dread the thought of whole-hearted surrender to God that could leave you as a missionary in China or better yet, a sold-out risk-taking evangelist in your own workplace and neighborhood? Why do you dread the thought of your Savior's call? Is it that you suspect your Savior's call will be different from what is currently in your heart and you hesitate to give it up? But Christ is your source of joy and your heart must learn to know this! He will lead you down some crazy hard paths but He will be with you. Do you see what this means? It means that your source of joy will be with you!

In another book, John Piper poses the question whether on not we would be happy in heaven if Jesus wasn't there? That is a very revealing question. We would be miserable in heaven without Him. Jesus is the source of all lasting joy and I want to learn to follow Him more as such.

Jesus, lead me out of my comfortable and selfish life and let me lose myself in You and your glorious plan for my life. May I bring You glory, Lord, as I find my joy in Christ in all circumstances.

Balance in Evangelism

I read a very helpful book by Mark Dever called "The Gospel and Personal Evangelism. One thing that has remained with me as I have prayed about sharing the Gospel is the balance that Mark Dever lays out between honesty, urgency, and joy.

Honesty means we can't hold back any parts of the Gospel. The Gospel is the call to repent of the sins that we love and turn to a holy God who we're called to love.
Urgency means we keep in mind that there could not be a tommorrow and there are people who are headed to hell without the saving power of the Gospel.
Joy means that we are truly affected by the Gospel and are sharing it in light of the newfound freedom we ourselves have beeng graced with undeservingly.

Be encouraged to look to Christ and let His love compel you to share the Gospel with others! Do it with honesty, urgency, and joy and trust God that His word does not go out and come back empty.

"For the love of Christ compels us, because we have concluded this: that one died for all, therefore all have died; and he died for all, that those who might live might no longer live for themselves but for him who for their sake died and was raised."
2 Corinthians 5:14

Enjoying Christ and Sharing Him

"Millions of Christians live with a low-grade feeling of guilt for not openly commending Christ by their words. They try to persuade themselves that keeping their noses morally clean is a witness to Christ. The problem with this notion is that millions of unbelievers keep their noses morally clean. Christians will-and should-continue to feel bad for not sharing their faith. Christ is the most glorious person in the world. His salvation is infinitely valuable. Everyone in the world needs it. Horrific consequences await those who do not believe on Jesus. By grace alone we have seen him, believed on him, and now love him. Therefore, not to speak of Christ to unbelievers, and not to care about our city or the unreached peoples of the world is so contradictory to Christ's worth, people's plight, and our joy that it sends the quiet message to our souls day after day: This Savior and this salvation do not mean to you what you say they do. To maintain great joy in Christ in the face of that persistent message is impossible."
John Piper

In a way this makes my stomach sink to read. I now am stripped of one of my most beloved excuses for not sharing the Gospel. In another way though, I am set free. I am set free to actually face this guilt I feel and actually fight for the joy of sharing Christ with others. My King has given me a mandate to share with others the inheritance that has been so graciously bestowed upon me. Far be it from me that I should withhold it and squirm under my King's loving commands. John Piper is right. Not to share Christ sends a quiet message to my heart that my King is not worthy.

"The fight is to enjoy Christ so much that speaking of him is the overflow and increase of that enjoyment."
John Piper

Through the Living and Abiding Word

"Having purified your souls by your obedience to the truth for a sincere brotherly love, love one another earnestly from a pure heart, since you have been born again, not of perishable seed, but of imperishable, through the living and abiding word of God; for

'All flesh is like grass and all its glory like the flower of grass. The grass withers, and the flower falls, but the word of the Lord remains forever.'

And this word is the good news that was preached to you."
1 Peter 1:22-25

Love! Why love? Because you yourself have been born again! How can this be? It happened through a living word and an abiding word which came alive in you. Do you see how fleeting your own flesh and glory are? It will all wither and fade in such a short time! Do not be deceived but rather put your hope in what is living and abiding. Examine your life and have it purified by your obedience the truth. Place on the altar all things, even those that may be in your mind, good, so that you might be purified, living wholly and purely for what will last into eternity. Does your heart hesitate? Does it not see the immense and overwhelming joy that is waiting to be poured out upon you? That is because it it is not yet purified.
You have been born again by the living and abiding word of God. And this word is the good news that was preached to you. Do you see the miracle here? The word that saved you was the word that was preached to you. You were saved by words that came from the mouth of men, given life by the Holy Spirit. Could our words be used in such an eternal and lasting way? Yes! Be amazed by your new birth and inheritance that are wholly secured in Christ. Enter into the joy that comes from obedience to the truth. We too can speak the truth of his Word and what wonder that it should fall on the ears of others and bring them the same salvation and joy that are inseparable.

Peanut Butter & Honey Sandwiches

Behold, one of my new favorite things to eat. I have eaten many of them so far since I've been out to sea and have smiled many times. Maybe you are tired of the same old peanut butter & jelly? Try this wonderful creation. For some added fun and delightfulness, add some chocolate syrup and/or some banana slices. Yes...I only wish I had them filling my elementary school lunch box in my younger days. There's something about that honey that Winnie the Pooh was always drowning himself in. :)

Mossy Foot

Dr. Nathan Barlow took his medical degree along with his wife and four children to Africa in 1945. He treated a large variety of different patients but eventually confronted Mossy Foot Disease and provided treatment for countless outcast and helpless people. Mossy Foot Disease, also called Big Foot's Disease, is contracted by people working barefoot in volcanic soil. People who contract this debilitating disease get swelling, ulcers, and infections in the feet and lower legs. They are shunned by society and treated much like lepers. It is amazing to read about Nathan Barlow's story. Nathan Barlow died at the age of 91, helping the people of Ethiopia and sharing with them the glorious news of Jesus Christ up until the time of his death.
It's never pleasant to read stories and see pictures of suffering people but it made my heart break and I had to share it. Please say a prayer for these people. One of Nathan's daughters, Sharon, continues running the Mossy Foot Project that her dad started. If you want to donate to help these people or read more about it, click here.
I want to give my life away like Nathan Barlow did and use the gifts God has given me not for myself but for others. It is so inspiring to see someone follow the example of Christ by preaching the Gospel and laying his life down for others.

"But if when you do good and suffer for it you endure, this is a gracious thing in the sight of God. For to this you have been called, because Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example, so that you might follow in his steps."
1 Peter 2:20-21

Approaching Death

"It is better to go to a house of mourning than to go to a house of feasting, for death is the destiny of every man; the living should take this to heart."
Ecclesiastes 7:2

"Intellectually we all know that we will die but we do not know it in the sense that the knowledge becomes a part of us. We do not really know it in the sense of living as though it were true. On the contrary, we tend to live as though our lives would go on forever."
Frederick Buechner

Now this could be depressing, all this talk about death. That generally hasn't been my experience though. My last year at the Naval Academy there were two final capstone classes for my English major that we could choose between. One was called "Laughter and Love" and the other was called "The Literature of Death and Dying". I remember my friend took the first one and I took the second one. It was so funny to hear him talk about how completely and utterly boring the class was. He would tell me about people falling asleep and drooling on themselves. On the contrary I always had funny stories of how much my class actually laughed and enjoyed the reading and dicussions we had. Taking that class definitely taught me that avoiding the topic of death is not the best way of dealing with it. There was always a sense of freedom in the classroom to have the much-avoided topic out in the open and it seemed that the more we talked about death, the more the preciousness of life was realized and cherished.

I am convicted by Frederick Buechner's quote above. The knowledge of my coming death is not a part of me. It does not shape the way I live. Francis Chan included the above quotes in his book and he said that every time he preaches he reminds himself that it could be his last time preaching so that he doesn't hold anything back or water down the truth of God's Word. I can see this in his preaching as he definitely does not hide the extremity of the Gospel's call on our lives but rather emphasizes it. Since first reading the quotes, I kept reminding myself of the fact that today could be my last day. I have be honest, it definitely makes life more exciting! I tend to do things and go places in my conversations with people that I wouldn't go otherwise. A few days after reading the quotes in Francis Chan's book, I wrote this entry in my journal.

July 6th, 2008
"A few entries ago I wrote about living in the knowledge of coming death. I'm writing again because I'm already experiencing so much freedom in this mindest. Even just worshipping at church this morning in light of the fact that it could be my last time was so freeing. It wasn't depressing. Rather, it made me not want to hold back. I didn't worry about things later today or later this week. I just wanted to give all to Jesus now and be in love with Him. Hallelujah! Approaching death with nothing to fear!"

Burying His Treasure

I was reminded of the parable of the talents while reading a chapter in Francis Chan's book. Two of the servants went and did something with the talents that their master gave them. The other servant went and buried the talents that were given to him. This convicted me on the level of whether or not I am burying my inheritance from Christ now in hopes of "cashing in" or "digging it up" later. I am like this in so many ways. God offers to lavish me with heavenly treasures and joys now if I will give up all and come to Him empty-handed. My hands and my time are both so full of earthly cares that I have no room for what He would give to me. I am neglecting and burying the talents He has given me instead of sowing them as seeds in ways that He leads.
In light of God's love, should I be crazy in love with God? Yes, without a doubt! I have to admit though that I am not crazy in love with God and don't bear fruit as someone who is crazy in love with God. There are so many ways I don't give of my time, money, and possessions and actually test God like He tells me to.

"Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, so that there may be food in my house, and test me now in this," says the Lord of hosts, "if I will not open for you the windows of heaven and pour out for you a blessing until it overflows."
Malachi 3:10

I love how Francis Chan ends his chapter by encouraging us to confess our sinful attitudes and ask Him to change us.

"Tell Him that you want Him to change you, that you long to genuinely enjoy Him. Tell Him how you want to experience true satisfaction and joy and pleasure in your relationship with Him. Tell Him you want to love Him more than anything on this earth. Tell Him you want to treasure the kingdom of heaven so much that you'd willingly sell everything in order to get it."

And I know that as I pray this prayer consistently and am amazed at God's love freely given to me that the Holy Spirit will begin bringing change in my heart. Already after reading this book, I'm looking forward to going and spending time with my Lord, confessing inconsistencies in my life, and asking Him by His power through His Spirit to change me and make me wholly dependent on Him.

Lord, take over my heart. Make my heart obsessed with You. Let me completely and staggeringly be overwhelmed by your love in giving your Son. You so loved the world that you gave. Lord, let my love likewise overflow into giving, both of myself, my time, and my possessions. I want to test you like you ask me to and I want to come to you with empty hands.

Crazy Love

I just finished a wonderfully encouraging and challenging book by Francis Chan called "Crazy Love". You can see the two arrows on the front cover, one pointing up and the other pointing down. His main theme is that when we come to terms with the God of the universe and the magnitude of his love for us, it should cause a response of love that is as crazy as the love shown to us. He is very helpful at pointing at scripture and asking us to match up our lives to it and have our lives be a response to God's love. He encourages us to go from being lukewarm Christians to being Christians who are obsessed with God. I was convicted in so many ways especially in how I spend my money and my time and what I plan to do with my life. After reading his book, I have been encouraged to fall more in love with God. I want to be crazily in love with Him. I want to do whatever God wants to give my life away, to give my money away, to give my time away, all for His glory. If this is to happen, I know I need Him to do a work in my heart.

Lord, how I need you! I want to change, Lord. And how encouraging that me typing this is even proof of you already stirring my heart. Let there be more than words Lord, but fruit. I want to enjoy You as my treasure and find my satisfaction in You. I want to love You more than anyone or anything. I want to to be willing to sell everything to buy the field where your treasure is. Do a work by your Spirit, Lord. I need you and am desperately poor without You. Let this be my prayer every day as I realize more and more that all I have is yours.

Sickness and Humility

I had a stomach bug yesterday and was lying on the couch later in the day. Everyone knows what it's like to be sick like this. I stared up at the ceiling drifting in and out of sleep, sips of water, saltine crackers, and simple prayers. Not many things can seem more lacking in purpose than such times of sickness but I find myself sitting here thankful for yesterday. I remember lying on the couch, repeating over and over to myself, "Jesus, I want you. Jesus, I want you. Jesus, I want you." I have to say my greatest peace yesterday didn't come later in the afternoon when my sickness faded away but rather it was in the midst of my sickness when my heart didn't want anything but the Lord.

It seems everyone has to endure in patience through physical pain. That's why James writes these humbling and encouraging words,

"Be patient, therefore, brothers, until the coming of the Lord. See how the farmer waits for the precious fruit of the earth, being patient about it, until it receives the early and late rains. You also, be patient. Establish your hearts, for the coming of the Lord is at hand."
James 5:7-8

I only find myself ever able to be patient when my treasure is the Lord and not the removal of the pain and the rain of earthly blessings. Unless my heart is established in the Lord and with him as the "want" of my heart above all else, I always seem to find myself impatient and restless at heart. I become a farmer who loses faith at a week without rain rather than patiently trusting the Lord and rejoicing that I am his child and that He is my inheritance.

Thank you Lord for my sickness yesterday and humbling my heart before you. As always, you redeem my physical suffering and use it to bring me closer to you. I am so glad that I want you more now and want more to bring glory to you.

Quietness

"It's all about you, Jesus
And all this is for you
For your glory and your fame
It's not about me
As if you should do things my way
You alone are God
And I surrender to your ways."

Lately things have been so noisy. Thoughts rush through my head, creating a constant stir. I am always moving it feels like, never sitting still, never just listening. Have you been somewhere like the middle of the forest and just stopped to listen? I feel like something always happens in my heart when I do this. Earlier tonight I found myself listening to soft piano music and just letting myself be at peace. I felt like writing a poem or sharing my heart with a close friend. I spent some quiet time in prayer and felt comforted by the Lord.
Why do I feel like I always have to have something going on? Why do I often avoid a quiet night alone? Lately I have been craving this quietness. The emptiness of constant social activity has made me long for time alone where I just listen and reflect. I love the song above because it seems to come from someone who has stopped in the midst of selfish and busy pursuits and is confessing that everything is about God and his glory. I find I am often blind to the selfishness of how I spend my time until I actually take the time to be quiet and reflect. The noise of the world drowns out the life-giving words of my Father. My heart grows cold and I don't long for my Father's presence, for His words, or for His holiness to become my own.

Lord, make heart quiet before you. Let me hear you voice. Let me see that everything is for your glory. I long for You and long for holiness.

"For God alone my soul waits in silence, for my hope is from him."
Psalm 62:5

Dancing In God's Love

Ha, well I just finished dancing in my room for the first time in forever! I'm not sure what I was doing but I was sitting here in my room on the ship and put on some Passion hymns and somewhere in the middle of "O For A Thousand Tongues To Sing" I couldn't help but begin hopping around my room dancing and worshipping Jesus! I was wary though from a previous time I did this on the ship when I hit my head quite hard in the midst of my dancing. :) These words are so wonderful as they point to Jesus and exalt His power and glory!

O for a thousand tongues to sing
my dear Redeemer's praise,
the glories of my God and King,
the triumphs of his grace!

Jesus! the name that charms our fears,
that bids our sorrows cease;
'tis music in the sinner's ears,
'tis life and health and peace.

He breaks the power of cancelled sin,
he sets the prisoner free:
his blood can make the foulest clean;
his blood availed for me.

He speaks; and, listening to his voice,
new life the dead receive,
the mournful broken hearts rejoice,
the humble poor believe.

No, but what hit me in the midst of my dancing was what I had learned recently from Charles Spurgeon which I quoted in one of my earlier posts. "No! never should we have had a grain of love towards God unless it had been sown in us by the sweet seed of His love to us." As I danced I couldn't help but smile and rejoice in His love as I realized that I would not even have been dancing if it was not for His love and the fact I was dancing right then was proof of His love for me. In fact, I really was dancing in His love! I have to tell you, it made me only smile and dance all the more! :)
I love the refrain that David Crowder adds to the hymn,

So come on and sing loud
let our anthem grow loud
there is one great love,
there is one great love, Jesus!!!!!

Yes, there is one and only one great love for us in Jesus. I want to keep dancing for him and not only that but I want to live for him, to preach His name, to bring glory to His name in whatever way He leads me!

Lord, let me dance in your love, share the Gospel in your love, talk to others in your love, sleep in your love, breathe in your love, and be forever humbled by your love in Jesus. May my dancing always be in the shadow of the cross and the grace that found me and continues to find me.

Bezalel

"Then Moses said to the people of Israel, 'See, the LORD has called by name Bezalel the son of Uri, son of Hur, of the tribe of Judah; and he has filled him with the Spirit of God, with skill, with intelligence, with knowledge, and with all crafsmanship, to devise artistic designs, to work in gold and silver and bronze, in cutting stones for setting, and in carving wood, for work in every skilled craft."
Exodus 35:30-34

"And Moses called Bezalel and Oholiab and every craftsman in whom the Lord had put skill, everyone whose heart stirred him up to come to do the work. And they received from Moses all the contribution that the people fo Israel had brought for doing the work on the sanctuary. They still kept bring him freewill offerings every morning, so that all the craftsmen who were doing every sort of task on the sanctuary came, each from the task that he was doing, and said to Moses, 'The people bring much more than enough for doing the work that the Lord has commanded us to do.'"
Exodus 36:2-7

Bezalel gets atleast two chapters full of attention and yet I had never really heard of this man. Really it is the work that Bezalel did for the Lord and for Israel that got over two chapters of attention. There's something about this that I love and that resonates with me. I love how the Lord not only gives a command to Moses and the people but then the Lord takes initiative in stirring up the hearts of specific people and their gifts. And even people who didn't have artistic gifts gave freely of their gold and silver and wood and the craftsmen had more than enough to choose from and work with. I get such a sense of joy from this whole entreprise as the people of Israel are all stirred up by the Lord to give of their possessions, to give of themselves, to give of their gifts for the work and glory of the Lord.
It stirs up my own heart and I think, "What has the Lord called me to do? What is He stirring my heart to do? How can I give to others so that they can have more than an abundance with which to excercise their own gifts?" This reminds me of my prayers recently which have been along these lines. And what happened? The Lord answered my prayers. He said, "Patrick, make me your treasure in all things." Sure there were more questions at that point but I just have to walk forward with what He placed in my heart. And as I walk forward, I can see He is already opening doors for me to use my gifts and encourage others in using theirs.

I think it would be very easy to read all these chapters at the end of Exodus and get bored with all the intricate details of building and decorating the tabernacle. I think it helps to remember though that the people making all this stuff were stirred up by the Lord to use their gifts for Him and there is always such great joy in that. I think of how when I give gifts to family and friends. It is my love for them that stirs me to put time and money into their gift. I'm willing to make countless details fit together in order to communicate my love to them. It seems to be the same for the all these beautiful details in building the tabernacle all focused in one direction, the glory and beauty of the Lord! It's quite exciting when you actually think about it and imagine yourself in the midst of all the work being done.

Lord, show me how and stir my heart to be used for your glory. Use my gifts and let them be unclouded by my own pride and sin. Help me to to encourage others to use their gifts for your glory.

The Treasure Is You

The treasure is you, there is no other
The treasure is you, more than gold
Heaven and earth, they have lost their luster
You alone are the treasure that I hold.
-Meredith Andrews

I have been crying out lately for direction and purpose in my life. I want to be focused and purposeful in my steps each day. There are so many things that confuse me right now but I have cried out to the Lord honestly and made my heart known and will keep doing so. As I was driving last night I kept coming back to this song by Meredith Andrews called "Treasure". There are so many areas of my life where Christ is not my treasure. It seemed as if God was answering my prayers by saying, "Make me your treasure in all areas of your life and at all points throughout your day." Yes, I want this! I want Him to be my treasure. I know this will bring the most joy in my life. I'm so tempted even doing spiritual things to make other things my treasure. When reading my Bible, I tend to just want to hear from God and get some experience. The same happens when I worship at church. When I'm at church, a lot of times fellowship becomes my treasure instead of the Lord Himself. I make the blessings He gives me so often my treasure in the place of Him.

When I awake in the morning and read my Bible, the treasure is You.
When I go throughout my day at work, the treasure is You.
When I go to church, the treasure is not anything but You.
When I go to sleep at night, Lord, were you my treasure today or was it anything else?

Funny note, I wrote this journal entry while I was driving last night. It was so beautiful to be driving with the windows down and the sun setting. Also, Meredith Andrews' cd is really good if you like girl singers. I was really surprised by the lyrics especially. They are all really encouraging!
There are new mercies today and a treasure waiting for us in Jesus. :)

Your Love Is Strong

I need a strong love. I crave such love in the bottom of my soul. I desire so badly to be loved strongly and to love strongly in return. I listened to Jon Foreman's song, "Your Love is Strong" recently and I have been singing the chorus over and over the past couple days. His love is strong! My love is weak and it falters and wavers when tested. His love is strong though. It remains consistent, stable, strong, and steadfast through everything that could possibly come in its' way. I have been asking God to teach me to love and He's teaching me that I have to get all my love from Him. I have no love of my own to give. Charles Spurgeon writes,

"How great the wonder that such as we should ever have been brought to love Jesus at all! How marvelous that when we had rebelled against Him, He should, by a display of such amazing love, seek to draw us back. No! never should we have had a grain of love towards God unless it had been sown in us by the sweet seed of His love to us. Love is an exotic; it is not a plant which will flourish naturally in human soil, it must be watered from above. Love for Jesus is a flower of a delicate nature, and if it received no nourishment but that which could be drawn from the rock of our hearts it would soon wither. As love comes from heaven, so it must feed on heavenly bread. It cannot exist in the wilderness unless it is fed by manna from on high. Love must feed on love. The very soul and life of our love for God is His love for us."

I love that image of the flower needing heavenly water. Now I know that if I'm ever to be able to love Jesus or others it is because of God's love for me. All of my love comes from Him. I want to drink of his love, to swim in it, and to have it consume my life! Jesus, your love is strong! Your is love is strong! Your love is strong! I love you so much but only, I know, because your first loved me. :) May I know your love strongly in my life so that I may love you strongly in return and pour out your love on others.

Love and Feelings

"But the great thing to remember is that, though our feelings come and go, His love for us does not. It is not wearied by our sin, or our indifference; and, therefore, it is quite relentless in its determination that we shall be cured of those sins, at whatever the cost to us, at whatever cost to Him." C.S. Lewis (1898-1963)

Lord, find me in my sin and indifference and teach me to love! Only you can love perfectly for you are love.

Psalm 139: His Right Hand

"Where shall I go from your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence? If I ascend to heaven, you are there! If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there! If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, even there your hand shall lead me, and your right hand shall hold me."
Psalm 139:7-9

Lord, I'm tempted to wonder whether I am really held firmly by your hand. Your Word reminds me that no matter where I am or whatever my circumstances, your right hand leads me and holds me. It is the hand of your sovereignty. Did I make a mistake or a decision that caused the hold of your hand to loosen? No, I know you hold me still! I'm tempted to think think that I must find my way back to You and do things to more firmly fix myself into your hand. Lord, I know you hold me and lead me still. Lord, I know I am full of sin and not worthy of your love and so I come to your table as a beggar in need of your grace. I have nothing and my worth amounts to nothing. I am in desperate need of a Savior! I need You or I have no hope of my own.

"Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!"
Psalm 139-23-24

Lead me, Lord, in the way everlasting. I know you promise you are with me always, not because I deserve you, but because you love me and died for me.

Morning and Evening

"What then my soul is best for you to do? First learn to be content with this divine order, and be willing, with Job, to receive evil from the hand of the Lord as well as good. Then study to make the morning dawns and evening fades call forth songs of joy. Praise the Lord for the sun of joy when it rises, and for the gloom of evening as it falls. There is beauty both in sunrise and sunset. Sing of it and glorify the Lord. Like the nightingale, pour forth your notes at all hours. Believe that the night is as useful as the day. The dews of grace fall heavily in the night of sorrow."
Charles Spurgeon

Lord, let me pour forth your notes at all hours! No matter what comes, Lord, let me fix my eyes on you and walk. How can I fear with you as my faithful Lord? Do I fear leaving friends and the comforts of my earthly home? You are my home, Lord. Do I fear hurt and pain coming to the heart of a beloved friend? Lord, you hold them in your hands sovereignly and care for them like I never could. My circumstances swirl around me and confuse me, making me feel out of His will. No matter how I feel and know matter what mistakes I have made though, I know that I am a sinner and I have a Savior! Praise the Lord for giving of himself for me! Praise the Lord for laying down his life for me! Oh, how I do not deserve such love! It is the reason I sing though! Lord, teach me ever more that I am a sinner and you are my Savior. Then I shall love you wholly and then I shall love others purely. Touch my lips with your saving grace and I will sing a song of your mercy and love.

Coming Before The Lord

I am finishing up a month-long period out at sea this week and there were several Sundays that passed by during that time. Whereas in the past I found myself wishing I was back at my home church, this time I was amazed by the Lord each Sunday on the ship. I have been leading a Bible study/discussion time each Sunday with whoever shows up and the focus of each of the times has been how we come before the Lord. I'm sure there is some doctrine that lists out the key points in how and in what mindset we come before the Lord but I merely wanted to spark discussion and get people talking practically about how they come before the Lord on the ship. The Lord was gracious just to give me ideas and verses to talk about each week. Each Sunday I was left humbled and amazed by things the Lord gave me to share and things that He gave others to share as well. Everyone left so encouraged each week by the Spirit and the Word. It was so wonderful as well to see these people around the ship during the week and be able to encourage and be encouraged by them. I am going to write a series of posts about stuff we talked about each week. I hope it is encouraging. This past week we talked about coming boldly to the throne of grace. It made me think of this hymn that I love! I love that verse from Hebrews 4! "Let us then with confidence draw near..." :)

Come boldly to a throne of grace,
Ye wretched sinners come;
And lay your load at Jesus' feet,
And plead what he has done.
"How can I come?" Some soul may
"I'm lame and cannot walk;
My guilt and sin have stopped my mouth;
I sigh, but dare not talk."

Come boldly to the throne of grace,
Though lost, and blind, and lame;
Jehovah is the sinner's Friend,
And ever was the same.
He makes the dead to hear his voice;
He makes the blind to see;
The sinner lost he came to save,
And set the prisoner free.

Come boldly to the throne of grace,
For Jesus fills the throne;
And those he kills he makes alive;
He hears the sigh or groan.
Poor bankrupt souls, who feel and know
The hell of sin within,
Come boldly to the throne of grace;
The Lord will take you in.

Firstfruits

"The best of the first fruits of your ground you shall bring to the house of the Lord your God."
Exodus 23:19

I just finished reading what some would call the boring parts of Exodus where the specifics of the law were laid out. Some things that really stuck out to me were God's heart behind certain laws. The Sabbath is so beautiful and a precious gift from the Lord. A day to trust God. A day to trust God together with your family. A day to lay down the worries and anxieties of this life and place them on the altar before God.
Another beautiful part was the part about giving God your firstfruits. I see the wickedness in my own heart that resists giving God the firstfruits of my day. I resist spending time in His Word and when I finally do, I find that it is the sweetest thing ever! There are so many ways that I can offer the firstfruits of my day to God and what a joy that is when I actually see it through God's eyes. It is a gift from the Lord. It is a chance for my heart to be changed as it is attached more and more firmly as a vine to the branch. My Father didn't hesitate to give his firstfruits in sending Jesus for me. No, instead He gave freely and fully and graciously found this undeserving child. Thank you Lord! Teach me please to give of my firstfruits just like you did!

The Hiding Place

This is one of the most amazing true stories I have ever read! Corrie Ten Boom tells the story of her time spent in prison and concentration camps during World War II for helping in the anti-Nazi underground. She was arrested along with her sister Betsie and she tells of how they learned of the power of Christ's love in the midst of intense hatred and suffering. Christ's love shines from the book and there were so many quotes that I underlined! I will share a few that especially affected me.

Her father talking to her:
And our wise Father knows exactly when we're going to need things, too. Don't run out ahead of Him, Corrie. When the time comes that some of us will have to die, you will look into your heart and find the strength you need--just in time.

They would read the Bible to the other prisoners in the concentration camp and the love of Christ spread among the women there:
The blacker the night around us grew, the brighter and truer more beautiful burned the word of God.

One of the most powerful parts of the book is seeing her sister Betsie show love and pray for the very guards who are persecuting them:
"Betsie, what can we do for these people? Afterward I mean. Can't we make a home for them and care for them and love them?"
"Corrie, I pray every day that we will be allowed to do this! To show them that love is greater!"
And it wasn't until I was fathering twigs later in the morning that I realized that I had been thinking of the feeble-minded, and Betsie of their persecutors.

And then finally at the end of the book, once the war is over, Corrie is faced with talking with one of the former guards at her concentration camp who came to hear her speak. It such a powerful scene:
He came up to me as the church was emptying, beaming and bowing. "How grateful I am for your message, Fraulein." he said. "To think that, as you say, He has washed my wins away!"
His hand was thrust out to shake mine. And I, who had preached so often to the people in Bloemendaal the need to forgive, kept my hand at my side.
Even as the angry, vengeful thoughts boiled through me, I saw the sin of them. Jesus Christ had died for this man; was I going to ask for more? Lord Jesus, I prayed, forgive me and help me to forgive him.
I tried to smile, I struggled to raise my hand. I could not. I felt nothing, not the slightest spark of warmth of charity. And so again I breathed a silent prayer. Jesus, I cannot forgive him. Give me your forgiveness.
As I took his hand the most incredible thing happened. From my shoulder along my arm and through my hand a current seemed to pass from me to him, while into my heart sprang a love for this stranger that almost overwhelmed me.
And so I discovered that it is not on our forgiveness any more than on our goodness that the world's healing hinges, but on His. When He tells us to love our enemies, He gives, along with the command, the love itself.

Light in Darkness

Nathanael said to him, "Can anything good come out of Nazareth?" Philip said to him, "Come and see."
John 1:46

This past week I was driving to visit my godfamily and minutes after I got off the exit to go to their house, the car in front of me slowed down suddenly to make a u-turn. I slammed on the brakes and tried to change lanes but it was all too late. The next thing I knew the man was walking up to my car and scolding me. I apologized and told him I would pull over and call the police to write up a report. When he pulled over next to me I saw his wife in the passenger seat. They were an elderly couple and she had blood on her nose and a scrape on her arm. They had a small dog in between them that was shaking. I made the sure woman was alright and everything felt like I blur. Later the man came up to me and apologized for his previous words of anger. I apologized to him again and offered to help anyway I could. I kept wishing over and over that I could go back and maybe have paid better attention or slammed on the brakes harder or done something! One of my first thoughts was, Lord, why did this have to happen? I felt like Nathanael from John 1 as I thought, Can anything good come out of this? This made me think of the plethora of situations where I have called God's sovereignty into question. Can anything good come out of Nazareth? Yes, in fact unmeasured good came out of Nazareth and how amazing that thousands of years later we are experiencing the answer to Nathanael's question in our own lives in such real and personal ways.
I love the words of Corrie Ten Boom in her book, The Hiding Place, as she writes about her time in prison in Nazi-occupied Holland:

As my health returned, I was able to use my eyes longer. I had been sustaining myself from my Scripture a verse at a time; now like a starving man I gulped entire Gospels at a reading, seeing the whole magnificent drama of salvation.
As I did, an incredible thought prickled the back of my neck. Was it possible that this-all that this that seemed so wasteful and needless-this war, Schevingen prison, this very cell, none of it was unforeseen or accidental? Could be be part of the pattern first revealed in the Gospels? Hadn't Jesus-and here my reading became intent indeed-hadn't Jesus been defeated as utterly and unarguably as our little group and small plans had been?
But...if the Gospel were truly the pattern of God's activity, then defeat was only the beginning. I would look around at the bare little cell and wonder what conceivable victory could come from a place like this.

How often have I been in the midst of situations such as car accidents or sickness or anything that defies my control and I look around in my "bare little cell" and wonder how this could possibly reside within God's sovereignty? The thought is often inconceivable to me apart from the little faith I have at that moment. I was encouraged though as the beautiful imagery earlier in John 1 came alive to me.

All things were made through him, and without him was not anything that was made. In him was life, and the life was the light of men. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.
John 1:3-5

The true light, which enlightens everyone was coming into the world.
John 1:9

As I thought about these verses, I was driving and was staring out the window at the landscape. An obvious thought suddenly came into focus. I realized that without light I couldn't see anything at all. I wouldn't be able to conceive of this landscape or any of the millions of objects or people that surround me on a given day. Without light, I was unable to see beauty. This thought was so profound to me all of the sudden! I then thought of God as light and pictured his light falling on every area of my life, giving it beauty and purpose. Amazing! And isn't it in the darkest, gloomiest, most confusing times that the single beam of light that shines through the clouds is the most beautiful and displays its' glory most brightly? That is so true and how wonderful to be reminded of this through the truth of scripture.

Can anything good come out of Nazareth? Yes! Come and see! Come and see the beam of light shining through all of creation. It is Jesus Christ! He is "the true light, which enlightens everyone." There is not a patch or crevice in the landscape of our lives that the light of His sovereignty does not touch. And not only does his sovereignty touch our lives but it is full of unfailing, unwavering love.
Is it possible that none of the circumstances which surround us are unforeseen or accidental? Could it be part of the pattern first revealed in the Gospels? A beam of light shines. Come and see. And I think we will all find as we hear his voice that he is already beginning to open our eyes to the light of His glory.

My Fairy Godmother and Lucy

I'm down in Thomasville, Georgia sitting in the living room with my beloved godfamily! I had so much fun playing Wii golf with my fairy godmother Teal and my godsister Lucy. Aunt Teal is a pro and killed us both!! We had a wonderful dinner together on the back patio. Lucy marinated the steak wonderfully with her special recipe and Dr. Dan cooked it perfectly on the grill. Aunt Teal made wonderful potatoes with basil and sour cream. For dessert we had Lucy's brownies with vanilla ice cream...it was so good!! I only got to visit them for a night but it was so worth it...they are my favorite and me, Aunt Teal, and Lucy always have so much fun together. :)

A Man

Well, I was cleaning out my room tonight for a move into a new place with my friends Ray and Dan. I found a folder from one my English classes at the Academy and spent a little time reading over some stuff. Most of it wasn't worth rereading but this particular one I had completely forgotten about. I guess I'll let it speak for itself. The piece is more straightforward and upfront because the class was Women's Dramatic Literature and my teacher was a feminist. She was actually very nice but definitely a feminist. :) The guys in the class mostly responded by being overly chauvinistic so it was definitely interesting to read this in front of the class...

I'm tired of being just a guy. I want to be a man. What is a guy good for anyway? He knows all the local bartenders and could show you a good time for the night. The next morning though he's worthless. He'll stumble over dirty clothes, scratching his butt on his way to the bathroom and groan as he empties his bladder into the toilet. He can tell you some good stories, sure, but none of them are ones his mother would want to listen to. When you need advice or someone to talk to, all you get is a blank stare or a muddled reponse that leaves you more confused than before you asked. A guy is a disgrace; capable of so much but settling for so little. One minute he's sweet-talking his mom on his brand new cell phone and the next minute he's at a strip club gawking at someone else's mom. A guy is a contradiction; full of power yet living in weakness. Living for himself.
I want to be a man. Powerful, yet under control. Meek. I want hands full of purpose. Hands that don't rest lazily on my crotch but hands that are quick to reach out to others. I want to pursue, too. I want to pursue a woman; one who's not afraid to be beautiful...on the inside. One who may wear the same old dress every day but who has a heart that's come alive. I want a woman that makes me want to be more of a man. A man will promise his love to a woman in front his whole family and hers before he'll ever make empty promises under sweaty layers of bedsheets. A man will keep his promise until the day he dies.
Be a man, not to be loved but to know and love the One who created you and had to send his Son into the world to be a man for you.

Jesus Died For Me

My God when I approach your thone
And all your glory see
This is my state and this alone
That Jesus died for me.

How can a soul condemned to die
Escape your just decree?
A vile unworthy wretch am I
But Jesus died for me.

Weighed down with sin's oppressive chains
Oh, how can I get free?
No peace can all my efforts gain
But Jesus died for me.

One day I'll look upon your face
And this will be my plea
Save me by your almighty grace
For Jesus died for me.

My glorious love, redeeming love
bore all my shame on Calvary
I will forever seek his face
Because I owe Him everything.

Loving When It's Hard

"But Moses said to God, 'Who am I that I should go to Pharoah and bring the children of Israel out of Egypt?' He said, 'But I will be with you..."
Exodus 3:11-12

I feel like God would say the same to me. He places such great dreams and visions in our hearts sometimes. These are His dreams and His heart. For me it is on the everday stage where it seems to begin. As I spend time with Him and walk in His Spirit, He will begin giving me this heart for something. Right now it is learning how to love people. He gives me a large-scale vision that inspiring and shows me the magnitude of how this could radically change my life. Then He gives me opportunities in the everday small things to begin living it out.
I've been convicted recently that if I'm ever going to be trusted with the big things and fulfill the grandness of the vision, I need to be faithful in the small everyday things. This is where it gets humbling because as I think about this, I realize the contrast of my pride and my weakness. I would presume myself worthy and capable of the grand vision and yet when faced with simple everyday leaps of faith, I find myself compromising and doubting. I am like Moses and say, "Who am I?" Does God not know who I am? He made me and is giving me a vision for a reason. But my Lord is so gracious even in the midst of my doubts and fears. He says, "But I will be with you." Without Him, I realize that I I can't even accomplish the smallest thing. I can't even love in the smallest way. To step out in faith everyday, I am learning that I must simply begin and end with His promise that He is with me.

Lord, help me not to be afraid when you lead me to step out in faith but rather to know you as a trusting child with his Father.