The Sweetness of the Lord

a poem I wrote yesterday—learning that my feelings do not change God's love. a wonderful thing to learn...

Oh, for the day when last I tasted
The sweetness of the Lord.
My heart has found no other place where
Love can reach its’ shores.
Times of storm and howling winds,
Times of swirling clouds.
On the shoreline of my heart
His love but pounds the more.
Who can offer love so strong
And constant through the night?
For even when we do not taste it
Still it pounds our hearts.
Oh, for the day when I will taste
The sweetness of the Lord.
And all my heart will melt beneath
The pounding of His love.

simplicity, rest, and holiness

I need focus.

I keep having brief lapses of satisfaction and purpose—brief awakenings from my sleep—and it makes me long all the more for more than lapses. Fullness is what I long for. So I figured it would be helpful if I could focus on a few simple things so I can somehow begin moving in the direction of being a little more awake. Here are my three simple things that came to mind as I thought about how I needed to change.

Simplicity...because so much of my life is filled with things that don't need to be there and aren't really helping me--pointless things that only seem to blur the shapes and colors of my life's painting. I'm always doing something, listening to something, keeping my mind stimulated with some sort of activity. Can't I just be still? "'The Lord is my portion,' says my soul, 'therefore I will hope him.'" (Lam. 3.24)

Rest...maybe because I long for it so much. Maybe because I always hear that it's found only in God and yet as a Christian, it's not how I feel much of time. Or maybe it's because I have experienced the rest of the Lord before and it has been the sweetest thing ever. I long for it. "Thus says the Lord, 'Stand by the roads and look, and ask for the ancient paths, where the good way is and walk in it, and find rest for your souls.'" Jer. 6.16

Holiness...I have no idea what this means! I mean--I know a little but not really. It's such an intimidating word but I don't know, somehow I feel that in this long dark corridor, it is the key to unlock so many doors. I'm ready to learn what it means and take hold of the key and feel it in my fingers.
"Since we have these promises, beloved, let us cleanse ourselves from every defilement of body and spirit, bringing holiness to completion in the fear of God." 2 Cor. 7.1

What will the coming days hold? I don't really know. I know I need to focus on these three things though and they will be the focus of everything I write about in the coming weeks.

"...and it could be blinding depending on the amount of You that I reflect." -Relient K

Tomorrow Sings A Sweet Song

poem I wrote and read at my brother Jack and his new wife Emily's wedding in Kauai.

Today sings a sweet song of goodbye
As you step hopefully onto your boat
And let loose the lines
Today is the day the shore disappears
And all you have is the ocean, the wind, the sky, sun, moon, and stars.
The ocean is God’s love
The wind is God’s love
The sky, sun, moon, stars, all God’s love.

Today this truth is easy,
The waters carry you gently
The wind swirls around you and whispers
Of worlds beyond the sea
The stars shine and fill the sky with their silent songs.

Tomorrow the truth will be harder
The ocean will seem angry,
The wind that once comforted will seem to threaten
And the sun, moon, and stars will all disappear behind a dark curtain.
You won’t understand
But remember,
The ocean is still God’s love
The wind is still God’s love
The sky, sun, moon, and stars, all God’s love.

The ocean, though it rages, does it not still hold you?
The wind, though fierce, has it forgotten the place it is taking you?
And the stars, invisible now, do they not still sing their silent songs behind the clouds?

So smile as you set sail tonight
And listen closely to the sounds of the ocean and the wind and the stars.
Today sings a sweet song of goodbye
And tomorrow a song of faithfulness
But one day He will sing His song to you face to face.

Redemption and Spring

"Awake thou wintry earth—
Fling off thy sadness!
Fair vernal flowers, laugh forth
Your ancient gladness!"
-Thomas Blackburn

Spring is an overflow. It's like the earth is having its morning stretch and yawning on the way to the kitchen to cook me pancakes. The smell makes its way to my room and makes me smile as I have my first coherent thoughts. Spring has its' smells that seem to wake me up from my winter sleep and my imagination is once more enlivened as I am surrounded by wonder. Wonder comes upon me when something beautiful happens that I can't explain; something beautiful like the flowers blooming, the wind blowing through new leaves for the first time, and the way the Spring sunlight makes your skin shiver; beautiful things that are reflections of resurrection and the melting of the winter that clings to us. These reflections fill me with wonder.

Spring always makes me think of "The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe" and how there are all these whisperings of Aslan's return accompanied by melting snow and a warm wind. It's such a beautiful reflection of how there are whisperings all around us of Jesus' return when the spell of sin will be broken and Spring will come for us.

I also think of the verse in Nichole Nordeman's "Every Season",

"And everything that’s new has bravely surfaced
Teaching us to breathe
What was frozen through is newly purposed
Turning all things green
So it is with You
And how You make me new
With every season’s change
And so it will be
As You are re-creating me
Summer, Autumn, Winter, Spring."

All of the seasons speak to us of the Lord's love in different ways and He uses them to recreate us. I love how in Spring, the beautiful inheritance that Jesus paid for with His suffering on the cross, is seen and felt in tangible ways all around us. In a small way we can see the fulfillment of the suffering we go through and how the Lord redeems it to make something more beautiful than we could have ever imagined. And to think these things are just whisperings of His return. It's all very beautiful to think of...

"You should see the sun in Spring
Coming out after a rain
Suddenly, all is green
Sunshine on everything..."
-from "Stars" by David Crowder Band

Wales: What a wonder! to be living...

I had never been to Wales before. There is a subtle beauty there that you wouldn't see at first. The weather is mostly rainy and the people seem normal enough. I think what I loved was that I wasn't overwhelmed by it. It wasn't a culture trying to be attractive to tourists or anything like that. Things seem pretty slow-paced and I didn't feel rushed along. I could just relax and enjoy things.
I was really excited because I was able to meet up with my friend Peter who's working with a church over there. He met Matt and I at the train station and spent the day with us. I wanted to go to the park of course which blew me away. The trees were spectacular and looked like they had been there for hundreds of years. The picture above is of Peter and I at the park. I couldn't just look at the trees of course and so I shimmied my way onto this branch even though it was a little wet.
I don't know how they come up with names for pubs over there and I never seem to know what they mean half the time. I guess I should just ask the people who work there if they even know. Here is me and Matt in front of one.
That night we decided we wanted to see some live music so Peter, Matt and I went to this pub called O'Neill's and I was so surprised by the music. There were three guys around my age who each played their own set of music on the guitar. It was all their own songs and it was anything but mediocre. The first guy, Gethin John, really resonated with me the most. He sang songs about nature and memories and sunrises, stuff like that. He was some very poetic lines like, "All my todays are like my yesterdays of untouchable tomorrows." Here is a not-so-good picture of Gethin playing.
I went and talked to him for a bit when he went outside for a cigarette. He said he grew up in Western Wales looking out on the Irish Sea and said he loves being out in nature. I had heard that the Welsh people were gifted in music and poetry but I didn't expect to be totally blown away. It was cool. There was a crazy old couple who danced together at times, were really playful with each other, and were always getting into the music. It was fun to watch. Then there was the couple next to us making out in the corner who we tried to ignore. Luckily, the old guy dancing made fun of them and they left.

Matt and I got coffee and a muffin the next morning. Here was my muffin and out the window you can see O'Neill's where we ate and saw music the night before. Your first morning in another country always tends to be beautiful.

Part of a poem by Welsh poet Ann Griffiths (1776-1805):

What a wonder! to be living,
once to furnace flames consigned;
greater wonder, after testing,
centred here, like gold refined;
time of bleaching, day of sifting,
yet so calm, without distress,
for the one who sifts the harvest,
is himself my hiding place.

Beyond Love

"We want to delude ourselves that of the problem of our emptiness, love is at the root. I want to say to you, it isn't. Love is only the branches. The root goes beyond love. A naked kind of isolation. An isolated me that does not meet and mingle and never can. It is true what I say. There is a beyond in me which goes further than love, beyond the scope of the stars. Just as some stars are beyond the scope of our vision, so our own search goes beyond the scope of love. At least, I think that it is at the root, going beyond love itself."
D.H. Lawrence

I'm so forgetful so I write reminders on my hand sometimes. After reading a chapter in Ravi Zacharias' book, Cries of the Heart, I wrote "beyond love" on my hand to remind me that worshipping God is what my heart truly longs for and love is something that is brought to life from within worship and then overflows out of worship. It's so easy in our culture to be caught up falling in love with love. There's so many movies, books, magazines and tv shows that, as Ravi Zacharias puts it, are "planting in young minds cravings that no human experience could match or placate." And so I've been realizing ways I've been affected by this and have been asking God to plant within me new cravings that are from Him. There's something beyond love that my heart needs and God has started showing me things.

Like this morning, when I went outside, I was so overwhelmed. The air was fresh, the wind brisk and chilly, the sky clear. It was one of those mornings where you expect to have a little sniffle and you want to drink something warm. To the north, the mountainous coastline of Spain rose above the water. No, there wasn't any rain since the rain in Spain stays mainly on the plain...
The mountains were so quiet and still though. It was as if they knew that by humbly being who they are it would be enough to beckon me to them. To the east, the sun had risen and mixed with clouds just over the horizon, its' light making a path of glistening blue and white. All this beauty. All of it beckoning me. I felt like the bow of a violin was playing lightly over the strings of my heart, making me want to sing.

It made me think how there really is something beyond love in all this. I mean, yes, there is so much love here but there's also music and grandness and thankfulness and a longing to give myself wholly to the one who created me. Love is so amazing but it's nothing when it's separated from God. I guess that's what I'm trying to say. Love comes to life more gloriously than we could ever imagine when it's done out of worship. Only it doesn't always look or feel so glorious. Jesus showed the greatest love by giving his life for his disciples and the whole world but it didn't really look like love to them or anyone else who saw Him. It probably looked really foolish or confusing at the time. Jesus was going beyond love though. He chose to worship His Father above everything, laying down his life and saying not my will, but your will. And his worship allowed his love to bring life to so many others for eternity.

"There is a beyond in me that goes further than love, beyond the scope of the stars."

I smile because I know what is beyond the stars. I know Him and am found in Him. I have nothing but He breathes His breath into me, giving me a new heart and bringing me life as I worship Him.

My Heart Set Sail Today

I stare at the ocean sometimes and dream about being on a sailboat out here. Life would be so much different on a sailboat. I would feel so much more apart of the ocean. I would see it, feel it, listen to it, and smell it all day. As it is, I enjoy brief moments with the ocean. I wrote a little poem as I was dreaming about being on a sailboat.

My heart set sail today.
I said goodbye but my voice got lost in the wind.

No longer tied to the shore
but still treasuring its' touch.
Now I float, my sailboat buoyed by fathoms
of deep blue mystery.
Is His love really like an ocean, I wonder?
Like an ocean how? In depth? In beauty?

I lay on my back and smile, feet in the water,
staring at the sky, feeling the wind, listening to the waves,
imagining Him wrapped around me,
holding me like the ocean holds my sailboat.

The wind blows harder and my heart stirs.
The waves seem to shiver as the first raindrops fall.
A storm.

I wonder if His love is like a storm too,
shaking me to the depths of my being,
teaching me to trust,
teaching me to see the ocean with new eyes.
Sometimes I'm afraid the ocean will swallow me
and I'll disappear,
but then I'll only be taken deeper.

Like Flowers Before Thee

Joyful, Joyful, we adore Thee
God of glory, Lord of love.
Hearts unfold like flowers before Thee
Opening to the Sun above.

I chose the picture above because the flowers haven't blossomed yet. I like to imagine them unfolding. For me it's so much better that way than actually having a picture of flowers.

I was sitting on watch today in my morning fog and heard the girl next to me singing this verse from Joyful, Joyful to herself. She wasn't singing it really fast but really slow which is how I like it. I felt my heart open all of the sudden and I started singing it to myself. I love that image of hearts unfolding like flowers before God and Him shining down on them with these unimaginably beautiful rays of sunlight. I sang to myself for an hour or so, letting my heart soak in the words. I find my heart needs this sometimes when it's distracted or calloused. Often, I'll just focus on one or two lines until they come to life in my heart, like the last line of the verse...

Giver of immortal gladness
Fill us with the light of day.

As someone who feels melancholy a lot of the time, it's refreshing to imagine immortal gladness filling my heart like light. All the other lights go out. His is always left shining.

I guess what I'm really trying to say is that I'm thankful for mornings when the Spirit comes like a breeze on the porch, making the wind chimes softly play out the tune to some hymn. And my heart is like those flowers in the picture above until His Spirit comes. Then a miracle happens and they unfold and I start singing.

Papa, I Love You

I call God, Papa, sometimes since I read The Shack. I think I do it because it helps my heart understand who God is for me and how much He loves me. My heart has changed since I started doing it and sometimes my heart shudders a little when I do because that is a very tender part of the my heart, the part that longs for a Father. I was leaving my room today after a somewhat tiring and confusing day and as I opened the door, I stopped. Papa, I love you. As if to say that none of this stuff mattered in light of Him. I hadn't said those words in a while and my heart shuddered at the thought of God's love. I couldn't help but smile. He's such a wonderful Father and to think that I get to spend forever with Him...

The Lilies of the Field

"See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tommorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith."

When I see pictures like the one above I often think of Jesus' reminder to us about how he provides for us like the flowers of the field. And it's not just this glib, "Yeah, I'll provide for you." No, he gives us this beautiful image as if to say, "Not only will I provide for you, but I will provide beautifully for you beyond what you could ever imagine." It reminded me of how the Lord's promises are gifts to us. Some promises, people keep almost begrudgingly because they have to but Jesus keeps His promises out of love and because He delights to.

For example, take His promise not to worry about tomorrow. I didn't realize how wonderful that promise was until it dawned on me how much joy on a given day is lost by this incessant worrying. I waste so much time worrying about the future, always wondering whether or not things are going to turn out how I dream they will. My stubbornness in worrying about the future can sometimes become like this sad image of me holding on to my own dreams while God keeps trying to fill me His own wonderful dreams which are so much better. I am learning to just close my eyes, take a deep breath, place my own dreams on the ground, and say, "Lord, I know your dreams are better. I want your dreams to be mine."

And in this I am being changed as I see what a glorious gift is given to me in Jesus' image of the flowers in the field. God not only clothes them, but he clothes them beautifully. And the flowers don't worry about tomorrow. Instead they display God's beauty by just being who they are. God's promise about tomorrow is such a gift because it sets me free to enjoy what He has for me today without freaking out about tomorrow. I am starting to see that my tendency to dream about the possibilities that tommorrow may bring wasn't a mistake in the way God made me. No, it was a gift. I use that gift wrongly in worrying but He gave it to me so that I could see, dream, and look forward to His coming faithfulness. He is the only one who holds tommorrow. He is the Sun that will rise once more and shine His light in the midst of every circumstance that may come.

I'm Yours

I got this DVD called The Open Table because I thought it looked interesting and also thought my roommate might like it as he is searching for God. It has five 10-minute videos of people being interviewed about their faith in Jesus. What makes it so interesting is the wide range of people being interviewed at what appears to be their homes or some special place of choice. Some of the people are really chill and appear to have smoked a few before they got saved, others are more thoughtfully organized, and some are just a little mushy gushy. But ALL of them are so encouraging to listen to as they talk about how God worked in their hearts to bring them to Himself.

I was touched in the simplest of ways by what this older guy said. He didn't appear to be a very emotional type of person but for some reason it's those people that touch me the most when they do get emotional, especially when it's about how God broke into their hearts. This particular guy said there was a point after a while where he just broke down and told God, "I'm yours. I don't know what you have in store for me but I'm yours." Oh my gosh, those words were left hanging in the air as I lay in bed that night. I had said that to God so many times before but it had been so long since I had really said it from my heart.

It's such a simple statement but I think when I slip gradually back into trying to run my own life, it becomes something I forget to acknowledge and tell him. I'm realizing that this is probably something I need to say every day. My heart often needs to be reminded where it really belongs. It's how I started this crazy but wonderful relationship with my Maker and it's how I want to continue it every day. And I can't wait to finally say it in heaven for the first time when I will actually feel the fullness of being completely His forever.
And so I told God that night for the first time in a while...

I'm yours. Everything. I don't know what the future holds but I'm yours.

Starbucks in Dubai

Here are a few clandestine photos taken at the Starbucks in Dubai, United Arab Emirates. You can see the Arabic writing on the sign. I'm not sure how they translated Starbucks into Arabic...I guess I should have asked somebody. You can see the Arab women, blurry black hooded figures, rushing by in the foreground. I had to turn my flash off for these pictures since Arabs generally don't appreciate photos being taken of them.

This is the traditional Starbucks counter but neat to see the Arab gentleman waiting impatiently for his frappicino.

Okay, this nice Arab man found a table by himself to enjoy his frappucino and probably would have pulled out the sabre hidden beneath his garments if he caught me taking this.

This was not taken in Starbucks. It is basically a random picture of me and my friend Matt's feet. I have seen the female species take pictures like this of their feet when in groups. I was trying to see what the big deal was. I guess it looks pretty cool?

A Post That Actually Has Pictures!

Can you believe it? I actually am doing a post full of pictures on my blog! I think it's clear that I love to write and share my heart but yes I agree, sometimes pictures are just fun. Actually, my didge camera broke forever ago and I am about to get it fixed so hopefully this will only be the beginning. Now, I think it's only fair that some of you people who post 53 pictures (or whatever the maximum is) on each post need to start writing a little bit and sharing your heart! Please, just a little? :)
Okay, so I was looking through some old pictures tonight which sparked the idea for this post. It was crazy because I have been so many different places and had such different friends each time. Each time has been sweet though and it's just crazy how the Lord has rocked my world and shown his faithful and measureless love! Yeah, God you are amAzing!!

Here are some snapshots back in time that just make me plain smile. The picture above is me on my first ship and my facial expression pretty much says it all. The picture makes me laugh though because I would have never pictured myself in such an environment. On a ship! Crazy!
This next one was a little scary at first but exciting. Me and my roommate Dan made a sign that said "Free Prayer" and took it walking around the mall. We got turned down a bunch but we also got to pray with so many more people than we expected. One girl who I didn't expect to want to pray, was crying by the end of our time praying with her. Totally sweet and eye-opening...

This next picture is me being a velociraptor shortly after I moved down to Norfolk. The raptor used to be more prevalent with many sightings each month but is now endangered and only making rare appearances. Frankly, I view this as a travesty even greater than the manatees' looming extinction. I think I need to bring the raptor back.

Hooray, these are some of my most amazing friends from the Academy who I had so much fun together with, going out to coffee, dreaming about the future, taking random adventures with, and loving Jesus together!

There's nothing like a rest stop on a road trip for a few drinks to stay awake. :) This is my friend Jefferson, a fellow raptor who probably made me laugh more than anyone at the Academy.

Maybe the funniest coffee shop trip I have made. Me, David, and Beka would meet up in Northern Virginia randomly and just have fun times hanging out. This particular time, the only table left in Caribou Coffee was the kids table which, of course, we were more than glad to take, as it came with toy animals and a chalk board to draw on. I forget exactly what we drew but I think we did a pretty good job drawing together.

I spent four years on the squash team at the Academy and over the course of my time there, I learned how not to throw my racquet when I lost and how not to hit my coach with a snowball at a rest stop.

Monopoly! Yes! One of my favorite games! The game has been known to ruin friendships except when you are playing with people who are actually mature and known when is the time to flip the board over and when not to. Sometimes, I think it's better to flip the board over and hopefully save your friendships. Okay, I won't lie, so this may be the sweetest group of people I have played Monopoly with.

This last one was on my missions trip to Romania, the second time I went. This picture doesn't fully capture the sweet fishing sunglasses I had on that even blocked the sun from the side, but I mainly wanted to capture Daniela, the girl on the right who approached me asking questions about the Gospel one night after our leader did a presentation. The next morning when we were at a church, she went and knelt down and prayed to love and serve Jesus. That definitely makes me smile.

That's it for now! Now for a rousing chorus of "Praise God From Whom All Blessings Flow"! I am so thankful for each place God and has brought and all the different people he has put in my life!

Year's End

A prayer from The Valley of Vision

O Love Beyond Compare (I wish I could read this out loud to you!),

Thou art good when thou givest,
when thou takest away,
when the sun shines upon me,
when the night gathers over me.
Thou hast loved me before the foundation of the world,
and in love didst redeem my soul;
Thou doest love me still,
in spite of my hard heart, ingratitude, distrust.
Thy goodness has been with me during another year,
leading me through a twisting wilderness,
in retreat helping me to advance,
when beaten back making sure headway.
Thy goodness will be with me in the year ahead;
I hoist sail and draw up anchor,
With thee as the blessed Pilot of my future as of my past.
I bless thee that thou hast veiled my eyes to the waters ahead.
If thou hast appointed storms of tribulation,
thou wilt be with me in them;
If I have to pass through tempests of persecution and temptation,
I shall not drown;
If I am to die,
I shall see thy face sooner;
If a painful end is to be my lot,
grant me grace that my faith fail not;
If I am to be cast aside from the service I love,
I can make no stipulation;
Only glorify thyself in me whether in comfort or trial,
as a chosen vessel meet always for thy use.

Encouragements From My Father

The Lord has been encouraging me in a couple special ways this past week or so which has been neat. I am leaving to fly back out to the Middle East tommorrow night so this week has been filled with anticipation of that which has involved a mix of emotions ranging from fear of the unknown to excitement at what God has in store. God gave me this helpful image of Him being excited for me to walk into all the new things He has in store for me. And me, I'm dragging my feet and afraid of the future. It really opened my eyes to how silly my fears really are and how much I should be filled with the same excitement that God has.
Today I was reading in The Valley of Vision and was reminded of what Jesus has done to save me and heal me.

"Grant me to hear they voice assuring me
that by thy stripes I am healed,
that thou wast bruised for my iniquities
that thou hast been made sin for me
that I might be righteous in thee,
that my grievous, my manifold sins,
are all forgiven,
buried in the ocean of thy concealing blood."

When I am fearful and straining to hold on to hope in the midst of things that cause my heart to sink, it gives such peace to my heart to be reminded of Jesus' stripes bringing me healing and that He was made sin for me that I might be washed clean.

And on top of all that, there was a verse that was spoken by one of the pastors during the church service from John 14.

"Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me. In my Father's house are many rooms. If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself that where I am you may be also."

There seems to be such passion in Jesus' words here. It comforts me and makes me excited to finally arrive at home and let out a long sigh followed by the deepest smile I will have ever smiled. To think that right now He is preparing a place for me, that is amazing. I am so thankful for my Father who walks through everything with me and answers prayers.