People are dying. I just received a call from my grandmother asking for my mom. The rest of my family were gone to have dinner at another family's house and my grandmother just said she wanted to let my mom know that her cousin Dale had just died. Now I know that to you reading this and even for myself, having never met Dale before, that it might not mean much to us or seem to have immediate impact on our lives but something about it just floored me. It was something in the weak voice of my strong-willed grandmother as she spoke from a seemingly fragile heart about the death of her cousin whose body is now uninhabited as of three and a half hours ago. It had something to do with the thought of my grandmother feeling so near to death herself that this all has only made her contemplate the idea that she could be next and people in the near future would be calling others with weak voices and tear-filled eyes to tell of her passing from this world. And to my 20-year-old heart, so often concerned with myself, my future, and the pleasures of this world, it melted my prideful wings and sent me hurtling back to the earth where in the quietness of my heart as I was brought to my knees, I realized that I only have maybe 80 years to live and that though so many times I think I can live out the Christian life if I only try hard enough, I can't. The death of my grandmother's cousin is proof of that. All of our sin is proof that. I find that it's always in those tear-and-awe-filled moments where we our brought to the place of humility where we belong, that we are finally in a position to meet Christ and receive the truth he has to speak into our lives. The question Christ asks of me as He looks at my death-cursed body is whether I will remain in this place of humility so that he can keep meeting me and live His perfect life through my imperfect body or whether I will keep taking flight with wings that only tire out and fall short of the heaven that my heart longs for. It is at this moment that I realize that "I" as a Christian will never live the Christian life but Christ is the only one that has ever and will ever live the Christian life; and the mystery that He should choose to live the Christian life through me should be enough to keep holding me in that place of humility where he wants me to remain. People are dying, yes....but Christ is living. When I pick up the phone in the future to hear broken voices confronted with the reality of the curse that lives in all of us, I can be reminded that it is only in this brokenness and this recognition that Christ can live in me. It is only in this mindset of realizing that I am nothing but 80 years of sin in the grand stretch of eternity that the focus can finally be shifted completely to God and I can only be left barely standing, fully aware of my own unworthiness and reviling of God and finally aware of the the ultimate worth of Christ. When He finally lives through and despite of my brokenness, I not only see that God gets all the glory, but I realize that he deserves every bit of it.

I was talking in my last posting about how we all stink wretchedly just like homeless people do, every last one of us. And it's all because of our sin. It seems ironic and humorous at first to think that we strut around thinking so much of ourselves while we are simply stinking up the places around us. When we really stop to think about it on the grand scale, it doesn't seem so funny anymore. It's actually all pretty horrifying to think that the thing we believe most firmly in, ourselves, is really just a filthy, stinking mess, exalting itself over others because their stench is a little stronger than ours. The sad part for us is that God doesn't even notice that our stench is slightly less rancid. It's not that He is isn't able to notice the difference, it's just that God doesn't see things how humans see things. Sin is sin to God and it doesn't matter how much of it is stinking up our lives.
So what's the point? We're all sinful, that's great, and we know that we're all just sinners just saved by grace. We all say something similar to this to ourselves at times. "Well, I messed up again, that's what I do and I'm pretty much used to it." How does this attitude even vaguely reflect being a new creation in Christ Jesus? Your identity is not a sinner saved by grace in God eyes but rather a saint who is temporarily sinning but covered in the blood of Christ. "Having been set free from sin, you have become slaves to righteousness." (Romans 6:18) A slave to righteousness...it takes a while for it to really sink in. If you want, read the whole chapter of Romans 6.
Donald Miller talk about how we miss the point by surrounding ourselves with religosity. He writes, "In a spiritual sense, our job is to marry Christ." Our mindset as Christians should be marrying Christ. Let that sink in for while. What does that imply? How should we be preparing? What's worth giving up in order to purify ourselves and make ourselves beautiful for him? Is there anything that's just not that big of a deal in terms of getting ourselves ready? What should our attitude be at the beginning and end of each day? How should we position our heart? Does it matter what denomination we belong to? Does it matter what we believe about predestination or baptism or the gifts of the Spirit? Don't you think if you approached God as a lover in a relationship and sought him out in prayer, that he would make these things clear to you specifically? Or does the Father not know how to give good gifts to his children? And when he answers, do you think his words for spoken to your heart specifically or as universal wisdom meant to impose on everyone around you? Or is just easier to accept the packaged answers people at your church give you or that the authors of books you read give you? Isn't it also just easier to look at pornography than to actually remain pure and to prepare yourself to pursue and marry a woman with a heart for God? Pornography is the easy way out. It's the nicely packaged answer that we can jump towards instinctively. We all give ourselves to pornography all the time in this sense as Christians, accepting the easily packaged answers rather than pursuing Christ and preparing to be united with him in marriage. Maybe all of these questions cause us to instinctively make excuses for ourselves. Maybe these excuses just numb our hearts and keep us from realizing how much we want and need Jesus.
When the pharisees asked God which of the commandments was the greatest, Jesus answered that it was to love God and to love others. My question is why do you and I enjoy focusing on so many other things in our "service for God" when we've hardly made a heartfelt effort to get the most important two things down. This is basically where I'm at in my relationship with Christ. I've realized that I want to start focusing on getting ready to marry Christ. I've been focusing on so many other things and have been a whore just like Israel was (read Hosea). I want to start focusing on the two things that matter: loving God and loving others. That's all that really matters and I'm trusting that everything else in my life will flow out of this simple love for the One who rescued me from having to worrying about how I smell to other people.

I was recently reading a book in which the author was pointing out how many Christians are reluctant to have direct contact with the poor and how, for many of us, it doesn't make sense to give directly to the poor since this only encourages their laziness. This is an attitude I know I have had as I have walked past the homeless person on a city street shaking his cup and staring blankly at people passing by. The author went on to say that this isn't a view evident anywhere in the Bible when dealing the poor. Jesus always dealt lovingly and directly with the poor. He didn't give money to an organization that helped the poor, he went directly himself and reached out to them. The apostles did the same in the New Testament. It would make sense for me then follow Christ's and their example before that of the Christian church in America today.
Recently, I was given a chance to act this out on my last night in San Diego before I flew out. I was at a trolley stop late at night waiting for a friend to meet me and their was this man who appeared to be homeless traipsing down the sidewalk of the trolley stop. There really wasn't anyone else around but the two of us. He sat down and began mumbling to himself and scratching his shaggy head of hair. I began thinking about what I had recently read and was convicted. I got up and went up to him. "Do you need anything?", I asked.
"No, I'm fine thanks."
"Are you hungry?"
"No, but some water might do though."
I had just drunk the last of my water while I was hesitating to talk to him. I told him this and apologized. I offered to give him a couple bucks to go buy some but he declined. I saw that he shoes were all torn up.
"Can I give you my shoes?"
"No, these are fine. I have another pair that are better but I'm wearing these for now. I'm going to take the trolley somewhere. I don't know where."
"Do you need a ticket?", I asked. "I have a day pass I won't be using if you want."
He said that would be nice and I fished it out of my pocket for him. He walked up to me to get it, took it, and walked to the trolley which had just arrived. The stench I smelled was horrible and it lingered around me where he had just stood.
The next day I was reflecting on the encounter while reading Hosea. I realized then the reality that the stench of my sin smells even worse to God and yet because of Christ, he embraces me and wraps me in His sweet fragrance. I picture Jesus ministering to the poor, loving them, smelling such stenches and instead of cringing, embracing them and giving of Himself to meet their needs. Let us not be fooled. All of us, after all, are poor beggars in need of the generous hand of God's grace. I would hesitate to call myself a New Testament Christian if I did not live as such. And grace God gives us...a mysterious grace. So much grace that when we are covered with it, He longer calls us sinners or beggars. Rather he sees us as and calls us saints and holy ones and asks us to let Him in so that He can make His home inside of us. How undeserved I am and how great and wonderful His grace to me.

"...the mystery hidden for ages and generations but now revealed to his saints. To them God chose to make known how great among the Gentiles are the riches of the glory of this mystery, which is Christ in you, the hope of glory."

The past four days of my life were just spent in the metal confines of a ship floating in the ocean. My older brother would scoff at this since he is out to sea for eight months. I am definitely relieved to be off the ship for a weekend but it was nice to spend hours in bed on the ship, reading and napping while the ship rocks back and forth, up and down, my stomach sinking and twisting. I rarely check the page number on my book because I have nowhere to go and nothing else to steal my time. I pray and I cry often. The two things have recently come to mean more and more the same thing to me. When I pray, I inevitably end up crying because I feel how much I need God in my heart and God shows me how much those around me need him. I wasn't suprised to find out in one of the books that I was reading that praying in the Bible can be traced back to people who "called on God" in the Old Testament. This can be traced back all the way to Genesis. It could also be translated to "cry out to God". I have known for a while that words in praying didn't necessarily mean anything but what mattered was what my heart was saying. I still use words sometimes when I pray but I have come more and more to just close my eyes and listen to my own heart and hear what its saying. It usually complains a lot and wants me to desire after other things, mostly relationships with girls and figuring out ways to bring more glory to myself by being funny or clever. Then comes the hard part when I begin trying to focus on God and what He is trying to say. I just close my eyes and imagine Him there, I picture what He did for me through Jesus and let that seep in. I think about the Holy Spirit and what he wants to do in me. That is when my heart cries out and I just want to stop praying. I become disgusted and bored in a way because I know He wants my hear to confront these things and replace them. I stay focused on God anyway most of the time and hold myself in His light. It hurts to do this because when I begin thinking about what God did and the reality of the spiritual world around me (myself and others getting attacked) , it takes me out of my confortable world I have been living in. Eventually though I cry out to God and tell him that I don't care that it hurts and I don't care that I screwed up. I want him to accept and use me anyway. This is the same emotional plane of the song "Worlds Apart" by Jars of Clay. Take my world apart. Replace it with You. That's all. Nothing else matters. His light begins to seep in and it feels so sweet. To lift your heart up to God and have him bring his own heart down to you naturally brings tears to your eyes. It is only at this point when I begin praying for other people. I don't have to tell myself to do it really because God's heart naturally wants to and so I want to. I pray for other people in words but also in images. If someone needs peace, I might just begin picturing God's peace as a blanket and then I watch as it wraps around the person and then as I ask God to draw them close to Himself, I imagine him taking the snugly wrapped person into his arms and holding them more lovingly than ever. I think the most important thing though in praying that I have learned is that I never should get to choose or should even want to choose the means by someone is delivered. I am only in the position to beg God. I may pray for God to deliver me in a certain way but I can't care how He does it. God is attracted to weakness and He can't resist our prayers when we come to the point of brokenness where we can only hold out our hands as a beggar and say, "Please Lord...please..."

So much has happened since I last wrote here, even if I wrote it all out in detail I could not describe what has happened in my heart. Just that very idea reminds me of something I read in "Blue Like Jazz" by Donald Miller. Don's friend is talking to him about his wife and how he can't tell her everything, not because he won't but because it's impossible for him to voice everything he feels to her. He was saying how it showed him that his relationship with his wife is so wonderful but it will never be complete. Something was still missing. He said this all just made him realize that his relationship with Christ was the complete relationship that his soul longed for. All this started to make sense to me as I read it. I was thinking about relationships a lot and remembered Ravi Zacharias talking about how there is meaning in life and that relationships are a clue to this meaning. Ravi talks about how while embracing his young toddler who runs to him after he comes home from a trip, he learns more about life in that moment than from any amount of books he may have read. This made a lot of sense to me and made me look at my relationship with God, Christ, and the Holy Spirit in a different way. This relationship is to the extreme in every facet. If our relationships with each other hold mysterious qualities, how much more mysterious should our relationship be with God? How much less should we understand this relationship and by faith, simply give our whole being as a sacrifice for the other in love. This helped me break the mold of how I had been looking at God from my shrunken pitiful perception. God can't be contained by any allegories, anectodes, examples, or thoughts we can come up with. We always hear people say this very thing but ironically keep doing it out of habit. It feels so good to let go of this and not think of Godas one who does this but certainly doesn't do that...sure, I guess He could do that, He's capable of anything...but He just doesn't. It's so easy to create a God I can just become comfortable with and the more I get to know God for who He really is, the more I realize that I will only get more uncomfortable with who God is. It's like that person you know you love and you know they love you but you still find yourselves surrpised by them and nervous around them in certain situations. I don't know...maybe you understand. I hope you do. Maybe you think you understand God. I hope you don't. I don't know if I will ever understand God and I don't know if I ever want to. I just want to be who He made me and be in the most mysterious relationship ever possible.
I like to hear stories about God where I have this reaction of, "I can't believe God did that?" I can't believe God had Abraham take Isaac up to the mountain to be sacrificed. To be honest, it always seemed kind of messed up to me. How could Hosea marry a prostitute? How could he turn my brother into a Jesus Freak? How could He allow me to pray to Him in tongues and then give me proof that it was real? The questions go on an on and I become more and more amazed. For someone like me with what many people call ADD, this God of Heaven is like a dream come true. The moment we can understand and fathom eternity is the moment we can be comfortable with God. I used to always wonder how people could ever stay passionate about God day after day, to read the Bible and to actually be renewed and refreshed daily. The answer I always got from people was that you just had to be disciplined and to an extent I understand that discipline is part of being a Christian and can serve as an expression of love. What really answered these questions for me though was that honestly, no one could stay passionate for long about God in the way I looked at Him. I think if we be honest with ourselves, we will all recognize our shortcoming in this area. We limit our passion when we limit our way of looking at God. The more I learn to see God for who He is, the less I doubt when I pray, the less I press my own agenda in everything I do. I feel like so many times I get so pumped about doing things for God I don't leave much for room for God to do anything in my life. God is the planner, God is the judge, God is Giver of all gifts. The less I try to plan, try to judge others, try to give my worthless gifts, the more I am free as a vessel of love who accepts every single person without discretion as worthy of my love. Before I know it, I actually feel like I am living for something. Yes I am confronted with fear, being unsure, but what opportunities to step out in faith and let an infinite God completely blow my mind. I find myself doing completely foolish and crazy things that make less and less sense to me but what greater proof to my heart of God's love when I see a friend break into tears or hear someone talk passionately about what God is doing in their life. My brother and his wife bought me a cd from this church down in Florida where supposedly angels have joined in the singing. May sound a little whacked out I know, but I found myself listening with curiosity and I tried to keep an open heart. Next thing I know, I am on the verge of tears listening to this music that barely has any words. I don't understand it at all. I can't really describe it to you. I guess that's that theme of this whole entry is that I can't describe it to you. I would just give you this advice. Don't try to think of God as bigger... just stop thinking. It's pretty scary I know. He gave me this image in my mind where I am in this open field before a thunderstorm. The wind is threatening and the rain is beginning to mist all around. Above me with a sky of gray clouds that, as I lie on my back, just completely overwhelms me. Pretty soon the rain drops are flooding my eyes so much that I just have to close them. I imagine just being swallowed by this great gray sky as it stretches out infinitely. I cringe with my teeth clamped tightly at the thunder and lightning but a smile breaks out on my face as my body starts shaking. This vision helps me understand God as someone who I can never wrap my mind around so I just let His presence swallow me. Let God's presence swallow you. Pursue His presence with passion. Love Him with your whole being. Step out in faith. Be a fool. It's the wisest thing you'll ever do. "[God] is pretty much the best thing that ever happened to me..I'm like a hundred percent positive [He's] my soulmate." Peace out.