Rose of Bethlehem

There’s a Rose in Bethlehem
Colored red like mercy’s blood
Tis the flower of our faith
Tis the blossom of God’s love

Though its bloom is fresh with youth
Surely what will be He knows
For a tear of morning dew
Is rolling down the Rose

Oh, Rose of Bethlehem
How lovely, pure and sweet
Born to glorify the Father
Born to wear the thorns for me

This song is just beautiful. I have been listening to it over and over again in the past couple of days. It is probably my favorite Christmas song ever. Last time I journaled here about Chrismas I talked about how I was trying not to be selfish around Christmas time. It is so much work not to just join in everyone else's attitude around Christmas time as far just being caught up in it all and not slowing down to remember. Remember Christ's words, "Do this in remembrance of me." Let this be our thought as we celebrate Christmas, as we love and serve people, as we give of ourselves and what is precious to us just like God did in giving us Himself wrapped in flesh. The things of this world will not last. Our glory will not last. God will last forever and his glory will remain long after the glory of this world has faded.

Oh, Rose of Bethlehem. You are lovely. You are pure. You are sweet. Make us like you.

A Star-Filled Sky

Loneliness. Despair. Restlessness.

These are my initial feelings at being out to sea. I was about to go crazy sitting in my stateroom and so I put my headphones on and rocked out dancing around to O God Our Help In Ages Past. Ha, it helped a little bit:)
What really pierced through my heart though was when I went outside for fifteen minutes before the Ops brief. I knew the Christmas party for my church care group was going on while I was out there but all I could think was that if I was there I would be missing this beautiful sight.

So many stars, the sound of the ocean, and water as far as the eye can see.

These were the same stars that Abraham gazed at probably through tear-filled eyes as God foretold the number of his descendants. He was probably also acutely mindful of his old lady of a wife Sarah probably lay sleeping nearby. These were the same stars I had gazed at countless times before in my life. So many Spirit-filled times around the campfire at White Sulphur Springs. The sweet smell of the forest and the cool mountain air refreshing my senses. Wonderful people surrounded me, all singing to the same magnificent God, his Spirit filling everyone with breath. How brightly the stars did shine then!

So I sat curled up, staring at the stars that night and felt God telling me, Behold the number and brilliance of these stars; so are my promises for you. Did you not know they were here? I swallowed hard at this and tears pushed at my eyes. So many stars, so many promises that shine out. How rarely do I retreat from my life to meditate on them and gain strength from them? Tonight though they came alive for me finally and through tear-filled eyes I sang the only words that came to my heart.

O Lord
You're beautiful
Your face is all I seek
And when your eyes
Are on this child
Your grace abounds
To me

In that moment I was enfolded as the beloved of God.

Falling In Love

So many things are coming together in my mind. I read the first chapter of a book called A Severe Mercy by Sheldon Vanauken. I can already tell that this book is going to have a profound effect on me at this point in my life. The author falls in love with a girl that he goes to university with and through their encounters with C.S. Lewis, they becomes Christians, though not without much intellectual scrutiny. I haven't read that far but supposedly he becomes jealous when he finds out she is caught up in love with someone else. That someone else is God. My jaw drops at this. What a beautiful occurence and one full of joy and sorrow as she dies two years after their marriage and he is forced to search out his own love for God.
I have been reminded more recently of the importance of viewing my interaction with God as falling in love, filled with both the joys and sorrows of love. Community has been a markedly beautiful gift in my life recently and through it I have been confronted with whom I am seeking most to fall in love with. I have met so many people with beautiful hearts during this time and would be lying to say that I haven't been neglecting the most beautiful of hearts, the heart of God. I have been spending much of my thoughts pondering on who among the girls I know could be my future wife. I am somewhat ashamed to admit this because this is not the view of myself that I portray to others. I will also say that I feel an invigorating joy at leaving these thoughts by the wayside and consuming my thoughts with God. Something snapped when I read that first chapter of A Severe Mercy and I realized with weight, the foolishness of me even doubting for one second God's promise to provide me with a companion in his time.
I have been listening to the song How To Save A Life over and over as I write this journal. Somehow it fits with what I'm feeling right now. I think it is the aspect of having wasted opportunities that you wish you could have back. Yes, I am forgiven and God gives me new mercy after I waste so many thoughts on other things but I cannot merely shrug these wasted times from my memory so casually. I cannot help but think how these wasted opportunities translate into my heart being numb to the greatest love and greatest beauty that sit right in front of me. It's like when a person is talking to you intently and you are secretly looking around the room for another person whose attention you would like to have more. This reflects my actions with God. How foolish!
And so I accept God's forgiveness now, but not without tears as I see my sin for what it is. As God so intently looks into my eyes right down to my heart, may I with tear-filled eyes look intently back at him with an eagerness to begin running as hard as I can towards his heart.

A Return To Community

I once read a great book on community called The Kingdom of Couches. I was reminded of the book as I was staying up late talking with Wes and Steve last weekend. Steve was talking about just struggles he was having with feeling out of place at the church and I mean, I had stuff in my head that I could have said but for some reason I had this feeling that these words would be of no real help to him. So I prayed that God would give me what He had to say and what came to mind eventually was community. And so I began to examine our community of singles at the church and just how we hang out. We are really good at hanging out but what's missing is a spiritual depth as a group. I am truly amazed at the spiritual depth of singles in our church but it doesn't seem like we go deep together. I wonder how necessary this is because I know that many would respond to this by pointing out that they have a couple special people that they feel comfortable sharing their lives with. Surely that is necessary as well but something inside me feels that during our hang-out time there should be almost a tangible eagerness to engage each other spiritually and care for each other. And so I must pray on the matter and prepare myself to be amazed at what God is going to do.

Wednesday night, the guys in our care group got together and talked about pornography and lust. I'm always amazed to hear people talk about their struggles who I would have never expected. It's amazing what we can keep hidden from others. As I considered my own struggle since I turned that wonderful age of 12 or so, I realized that my only victory over pornography and lust came through community. In community you are reminded of the beauty of others. Something so impersonal as pornography then becomes sickening having tasted something so personal as community with others.

Community becomes an idol for me though when I begin pursuing community instead of pursuing Christ through community. I have been experiencing this recently and it has required some adjusting in how I experience God's gift of community. As John Piper pointed out to me, our tendency is so often to worship God's gifts instead of God himself. Rather, God's gifts are meant to be the wings that carry us to God. This is definitely evident with community. Community as a gift provides a place where we can build up our faith, practice our gifts, and hear from God so that we are then able to reach out into the world and ultimately point ourselves and others to Christ. Community allows us to come out of hiding so that our exposed hearts can be both seen for what they are and then healed. Then we can respond by hiding in Christ as a body.

This Man

Would you take the place of this man?
Would you take the nails from his hands?

Ha, I was confused by this song as I was listening to it. I really like the tune and so I would be singing along really loud but I felt silly since I didn't really understand it. I did some pondering though and when it hit me I was like, wow.

Why would we want to take the place of Jesus?
And why on earth would we try to pull the nails from his hands while he hangs crucified for us?
It seems silly.

And it is, in a very serious way though. When I try to accomplish my own work to save myself or appear righteous before God, this is what I'm effectively doing. Out of pride, I'm trying to to take out the nails of Christ's finished work.
I like how Keith phrased it last Sunday when he said that we try to smuggle our works into God's grace. I guess this is what God is trying to show me so that my identity will be more secure in Christ. To try to take Christ's place is an ugly thing and it is something I've been guilty of a lot recently.

Lord, do you work in me that I may rest secure in you.

Long Embraces

One of my roommates got back from being out at sea for a few weeks this past Thursday. He seemed very at peace being back which was nice to see. He surprised me later that night by coming into my room and giving me a hug. When people give me hugs, usually I'm just thinking about when the hug is going to end. My friend, Monte, is notorious for long hugs and I think my time spent with him prepared me for this particular moment when God taught me something. At first, when Eric first hugged me, I was like, "Okay, love you bro...", but then he just kept on hugging me. Something snapped inside me and I began to think about how much I loved Eric and I began hugging him back. I know it might be considered weird to write in such detail about hugging another guy but this is important. The song, 'Child Of God', in the previous post, has a line that says, "Your arms enfold me, 'til I am only a child of God." This reveals that such long embraces are so crucial in forming our identity and having it completely in Christ.
I need more long embraces with my friends but more importantly, I need more long embraces with God. Prayer can be viewed as an embrace with God. The feeling is the same when I pray. Like when I hug someone, I am tempted to pull away after a few moments of prayer rather than forcing myself to deeply linger with God. An embrace is a such a sweet an meaningful thing. I wonder that I should hesitate to share them with my Savior.

Child Of God

With every breath, with every thought
From what is seen to the deepest part
I offer all that I've come to be
To know your love fathering me

Father, you're all I need!
My soul's sufficiency
My strength when I am weak
The love that carries me
Your arms enfold me, 'til I am only
A child of God

WIth every step on this journey's walk
And wisdom's songs that the soul has sought
I give myself unreservedly
To know your love fathering me

Loving

A profound quote from 'The Wedding' by Nicholas Sparks,

But love, I've come to understand, is more than three words mumbled before bedtime. Love is sustained by action, a pattern of devotion in the things we do for each other every day.

*Sigh...

How true. Love is sustained by action.

I find that indeed I can have all the good intentions and think all the loving thoughts in the world but if I do not act consistently and purposefully, then love will not be sustained. I can apply this to my friendships, to my family, to my future marriage, and most of all to my relationship with God. As I live out my relationship with God in love, I must be sure to sustain my love with action. I want my love for God to increase and this is impossible without acts of love even and especially when I'm less likely to feel inclined. Jesus could have told God that he loved us all he wanted when he was praying in the garden before being crucified. If Jesus didn't submit his will to God though and take action despite his feelings, then Jesus' love for us never would have been fulfilled. I was pleasantly surprised to read something so profound and true from Nicholas Sparks. I need only think on times that I have failed and succeeded at loving someone. Yes, truly love is fulfilled and sustained by action.

My Wedding Ring

I often would look at my left hand and the empty place on my ring finger would fill my heart with longing. What is this longing? A longing to belong to someone? A longing to love and to be loved? I'm not quite sure exactly but whatever it is makes my heart quicken. One day a woman will place a ring on that finger but I feel like God spoke to me clearly a word of His own about this. When he spoke to me, He wanted me to know that before any woman would ever think of placing a ring on my finger, He placed his own ring on my finger, marking me as His. Though I can't see this ring, I can feel it on my finger, burning with love, reminding me of my identity and to whom I belong. It is the ring a lover gives in commitment, it is the ring a father puts on his child, and it is the ring that defines the very core of who I am. Thank you Lord for this very real image you have given me as a gift. Only you are truly worth belonging to and being loved by. Continue to teach me and show me that I am your beloved.

A Dark Morning

I'm sitting in the car in the parking lot by my ship. It's 6:30 in the morning. I just had this wonderful thought of people and angels worshipping in heaven right now. Even in my darkest hours this worship is going on. This fills me with joy and it would be a good thing if I would think on this more often. I look at the lights of the shipping cranes, lights from ships, lights from buildings and it is beautiful to look at them in light of heaven. All of these lights speak of importance and yet in truth they have none. It will all pass away in such a short time. The worshipping of God in heaven will never pass away though and the light that shines in heaven outshines these beyond compare.

A dark morning, yes, but when I close my eyes...

Traffic, A Blessing

I was stuck in traffic yesterday for probably two hours. I was tempted to get stressed out and I did a little but I had a thought as I sat there, not moving at all. I was surrouned by all these other cars, all stopped just like me and I imagined the thousand people stuck in this one traffic jam alone. Not to mention all the other traffic jams going on at that very second. Every single one of us sitting in our cars were likely reacting selfishly, if only in thought, to the fact that we are sitting in a car and not moving. Sitting in car and not moving. That's not such a bad predicament. It dawned on me in that moment the silliness of it all. meanwhile God was putting on a show in his creation. A rainbow cloud, beautiful trees, and the sun that was just beginning its evening descent. Thank you Lord, for slowing me down so I could actually appreciate it all. I look up and pull my car up three feet before stopping again. I look outside the window again at the trees, the sun, and the clouds. It's very beautiful and it makes me smile.

Autumn

Autumn is a lovely season. Things start to get a little colder and you might start getting the sniffles. You drive down the road and see leaves changing colors and all the while you have the holidays to look forward to, time with family and friends. Autumn is a time of year when I love most to have a good cd mix in my car, full of songs that make my heart swell with love for my Savior. Once upon a time I would send out cd mixes to all my friends, which certainly was an investment in padded envelopes and stamps, but in the end was well worth it. So after making some mediocre cd mixes over the past couple years, I finally have made one that I want to share with all you and I certainly hope blesses you during these beautiful autumn months.

Now you might be sitting in your chair right now thinking, "Man, I think I might want to get this cd." Many of you I will be contacting to get your mailing addresses but as is always the case, some people slip through cracks of my rapidly aging mind. If you want to make sure I don't forget about you, please send me a message on facebook or email me or whatever you do and let me know your mailing address.

The song I wrote out on the previous post, 'Come You Saints' is actually a preview of a cd mix that is in the test drive mode and is set to release in winter of 2007. These two cds will be leading up to my "multi-month deployment on my ship extravaganza" which will involve me going out on my ship for 4 to 6 months and floating around in the ocean. There will no birds chirping and flowers sprouting up. Summer will come and go with the wind. My life will be lost in the sleepy lull of the ocean waves as they pass by my ship. Until I am lost in this oblivion, I will be driving, listening to music, praising God as he is displayed in his creation, and thinking of all of you. I hope to hear from you guys and I hope the cds make the coming months all the more special :)

Come You Saints

Come you saints lift up your heads
To find the hand of grace
Has carried you from Satan's grasp
And brought you to this place
Where all designs of flesh will fail
And still His grace remain
For purposing His own good will
The Lord has come to save

Come you saints to hear the voice
That sings from Calvary
The song that drew our wayward hearts
And brought us to believe
It's grace the glorious Savior's song
He paid so dear to sing
The words He cries 'forgive, forgive'
Hold power to redeem

When the days of toil end
And comes our glorious King
All sin removed, our eyes behold
The Lamb in majesty
Then great will be their Christian song
The loudest there will be
An endless praise in sweet refrain
Of God's redeeming grace

:)

Remains of the Night

So I woke up this morning with thoughts on my mind other than Jesus. Not necessarily a surprise but this morning it was particularly revealing. The night before I had felt close to Jesus and I began wondering in the morning whether or not the idolatrous thoughts now on my mind had only but been in hiding the night before. I have a funny feeling that they were.
In a way, mornings like this can be helpful in that they show very clearly what needs to be purged from my life. And the start to this purging is inviting Jesus to be the center of my day and to rekindle my heart's affection for him. That's how today has started off. Throughout the day already though, I can feel my heart as it is so easily seduced. So Lord, please captivate my heart that you may command its full affection. May other thoughts, both big and small in my mind, sink away in light of you as you sit on the throne of my life.

Your Hands Are Cold

Ah yes...the line at the end of 'Pride and Prejudice' spoken by Elizabeth to Mr. Darcy.
My friend Katy thinks that this line is really dumb and random. I always felt inclined to defend the line even before I really understood it. I thought before that Elizabeth really didn't know what to say and that's all she could think of; something simple that showed she cared about him, maybe. Watching it recently though I kept noticing how the movie focused on Darcy's hand.
First, when he helps Elizabeth into the carriage near the beginning of the movie, you see a close-up afterwards of his hand quivering. The second time, I forget exactly where it is but I remember another close-up of his hand towards the end of the movie when he and Elizabeth keep running into each other. Then finally at the end of the movie when Elizabeth and Darcy are in the field and Darcy says, You have bewtiched me body and soul. Elizabeth takes his hand and stares down at it and says, Your hands are cold. The whole movie, Darcy's hands have been focused on and no doubt they are numb and cold and he is wondering at this strange new feeling of warmth that is making his hands quiver. After Elizabeth reaches out and tells him, Your hands are cold, the camera focused in on her hand on his and just over the hands the sun is shining, no doubt warming both of their hands.

Not random at all. Beautiful:)

Pride and Prejudice

What a simply beautiful movie. I was watching the version with Keira Knightley and it has become on of my favorite movies now. It easily in my top 3. I had seen the movie a few times before but still found myself coming to tears when I saw it again recently. Maybe this is because I am at the same point in my life as Darcy and relate so deeply with Darcy's cold and lonely hands that need someone to provide warmth.
I always cry when Elizabeth walks in on Georgiana playing the piano and Darcy is standing there watching his sister. Finally the walls that stood so high between Darcy and Elizabeth are crumbling and their hearts are reaching out to make contact. Georgiana is so beautiful and innocent as she plays the piano. Darcy is so admiring as he watches her. Elizabeth is so vulnerable as she walks in. Georgiana's loving and playful greeting is like a sweet salve to Elizabeth's exposed heart.
I can't help but cry the rest of the movie in and out. It is much the same feeling I describe in the progressive journal I sent to my friend, Virginia. It is the feeling of winter turning to spring and how beautiful are the first breaths of fresh spring air as the sun makes your skin tingle with new warmth. Somehow watching the movie, I can't help but feel that my Savior and Lord is behind it all. Only he could have imagined such feelings as there are between his creatures as they love each other. Truly how beatiful are his thoughts toward us.

A Dark Night

There is no one to talk to. It is the evening. I have thoughts of past times with friends. Oh, how wonderful it was just to be driving at night with Gus sleeping in the passenger seat next to me. Silence except for the sound of the car. Darkness except for small lights, some that are red, some that are white, some that move, some that stand still. Now it is evening and I sit alone on my ship, feelings gaps in my soul. Accusations haunt me but I cling to my Savior.

O God! Be my defender! Be my Rock, my Fortress, my Strong Tower!

The music that plays in my mind is from the end of 'The Fellowship of the Ring'. It reminds me of when the fellowship was broken and Boromir had just died. It is the feeling of having to move on without someone you love. It is a spiritual pain, one that Jesus surely felt.

How great the pain of searing loss
the Father turns his face away
As wounds which mar the chosen one
bring many sons to glory.

What I love about that line is it tells of great loss but ends with great hope. I always cry at the end of 'The Fellowship of the Ring' because I know that feeling. The feeling of not wanting to move on but knowing you have to. And yet I love when Sam comes running and refuses to leave Frodo. A dark night is ahead but Frodo has a faithful friend.

Jesus, be my friend in this dark night. Hear my cry and be with my lonely heart.

Journaling Once More

I have been journaling quite a bit since I stopped writing here. Actually, more than I have in my entire life. And it is totally changing my life let me tell you. I've decided to beginning writing new posts here again though they will all by selected writings from my personal journal.

Journaling is doing amazing things for my life with God. I think maybe this is because our lives are stories and sometimes we forget that. I mean, for most of us, if our life was to be made into a story, it would not have much of a plot. We have certain revelations and are confronted with many major life lessons time after time but we rarely change very much. We don't have an all-consuming vision that gives a plot and purpose to our lives. So the reason journaling is really changing my life is because it is a constant and daily reminder to myself that my life is a story and that it matters. It matters what decisions I make. It matters whether the lessons I am confronted with actually take root in my life. A journal keeps one from forgetting.

And it seems being a Christian is all about remembering. This is an idea that I heard from my friend Gus. I'm not sure if he thought it up or whether he heard it from someone else but it is a very central idea that runs very deep in our lives. Before the Lord's Supper, Christ said, "Do this in remembrance of me." Remember. How often do we forget though. That missions trip we took. That one time in church where we sang all those songs and cried out from our hearts to God. We didn't remember that a month later when we made out with a girl, or masturbated, or began going through whole days with all but brief thoughts of our Savior.

Journaling hasn't become something for me that is all about how I'm growing as a Christian or appearing to do so. It's become to me more about remembering. Remembering what God has done. Remembering what I have done, good and bad. Eventually I hope it becomes more about what God is doing in me. If you are thinking about starting up a journal, do it to remember. Our lives are stories and they do matter. May our journals becomes places where we are able to watch our stories unfold, become purposeful, and may they always come back to the cross. May they always point to our sin and then to our Savior who who covers them.

This weekend was West Virginia for me and I only wish I had taken my camera so I could post a picture for you guys. I feel at home in the mountains. I always have and I think I might get a small place in the mountains some day for me and my wife to get away to. Just taking the mountains and rivers in with my eyes was enough to make an impression on me but luckily I was also able to experience the mountains in a very real way. The first morning I got to take a shower under a waterfall. I certainly didn't need any coffee to wake me up after that! I took about five minutes trying to muster the courage to stand under it because the water was so cold! Finally rushed under it and stood there, my whole body shaking, laughing hysterically as I finally hurried away. Later on we did a lot of hiking...more than I am used to I must say. Hiking is a whole different experience without a trail. For lunch, we went into the small town and ate at Mama's Kitchen where I stuffed myself before coming back to the cabin to nap on the couch while it rained. After lunch I was in for a surprise. More hiking! We trekked out through the words for what seemed like an hour. I slipped on a rock and gashed my leg but we kept going. Finally we arrived at a pool in the mountain stream. This is what I wish I had a picture of to show you. A waterfall plunged into the pool before moving on down stream. We stripped down and I repeated my ritual from earlier that morning of mustering courage. Everything inside me was telling me not to jump but I jumped. An spiritual analogy here possibly...I'll let you read into however you want but I will tell you that no eagle swept me out of the air. I splashed into freezing cold water that was a little too refreshing and came up to the surface screaming like your little sister did when you dumped cold water on her over the shower curtain. The whole experience was breathtaking in more ways than one; when I jumped in of course but now that I was drying off and taking in the whole scene again. A crashing water fall and a large stream that had carved out layers and layers of rock. Just looking around me made any thoughts I had entertained about the possibility of evolution seem absurd. This was beautiful.
Later that night we drove out to this fire tower and climbed up the top. I was so frightened of being up so high in the open with the mountain air taunting me with its powerful gusts. I could blow you away if I wanted. There was a mix of danger and beauty as I overlooked mountains and valleys. Maybe this was a smallest taste of what Noah felt watching from his ark as the flood wreaked havoc on humanity, beautiful and dangerous at the same time. Easter service the next morning was touching. During the service, all I could think about was how crazy it was that what Jesus, a Jewish man who made radical claims, was now transforming people's lives in this small corner of the Allegheny Mountains. The same gospel preached on the other side of the world all those years ago was now being preached here in this small church. That same man from long ago is living in me, lending me his breath, filling up my heart with wonder. Now that I'm back at school, I look around at my friends with a new heart and whisper under my breath. Fill them, Jesus. Breathe in them. Fill up their hearts. Please, Jesus...

How marvelous! How wonderful!
and my song shall ever be
How marvelous! How wonderful!
is my Saviour's love for me.

I took a weekend trip out in the Shenandoah mountain range to visit my cousin and his family. I got to do some shooting out back and also got to drive a tractor! I'm thinking of converting to redneck!. Check out the view from the tractor...