Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Learning To Hope

How do I get from here to there?

As a never-ceasing idealist, I have imaginative pictures of where I should be. I am constantly thinking on these terms. Here to there. Here to there. I get very excited when I have a new picture of "there" and then I get kind of down when I realize I haven't made it too far and am still basically "here" just like before. I'm learning that's not true though. I am constantly changing. Francis Schaeffer once said that he reminded himself that waking up next to his wife every morning, he was waking up next to a different woman. No, I say. I wouldn't go so far as to say that although it is a nice thought. And so I admire Schaeffer's statement as nice and cute and even romantic but not quite realistic. Is it not realistic though? Was this great thinker merely being cute and romantic? "He who began a good work in you, will carry it to completion" Now if God has begun his work in me at some point in the past and he promised to bring it to completion at some point in the future, does it not follow that he is currently carrying it out presently in this very moment?

Ah, so Schaeffer was right. He was waking up with a different woman every morning just like he was waking up with a new Francis Scaeffer every morning. Just like I am waking up every morning with a new Patrick. If the Spirit of Jesus Christ is living inside of us, then we are being changed as we speak.

I don't really want to believe this though. I don't want to get my hopes up. I don't want to be disappointed. I am becoming a professional at keeping my hopes at a moderate level of realism. There's a deep cynicism in my heart that is poisoning and clogging the fountain of my hope. Cynicism wakes up every morning and thinks, "Today is just another day. And as another day, it will be just like most days and nothing too wonderful is likely to happen. I might as well just look forward to my cup of coffee and that nice new jam I bought at the store." Cynicism disguises himself as someone who "enjoys daily pleasures" and meanwhile keeps his head on straight. Cynicism limits his hopes to the smalls joy like a cup of coffee in the morning and getting by until the weekend. Excitement is limited to daily television programs and football games. Cynicism sees the new Christian who is filled with this crazy joy and hope and says, "Don't worry, you'll calm down soon enough. Enjoy it while it lasts." Cynicism hears of someone getting healed and says, "Those crazy charismatics, always trying to stir up some excitement and never settling for the true Holy Spirit work that comes from reading my Bible." Meanwhile cynicism sips his cup of coffee in his reading chair and reads the Bible with a moderate sense of hope before heading off to the next thing. I'm making a point to read Acts 4:1-22 and to think over it this week and I hope you will join me in this. After you read it, ask yourself these questions. How clear is the miracle that just happened? And how palpable is the hope is that rising up within the hearts of people? And yet these brooding men stand and say, "...we cannot deny it, but in order that it may spread no further among the people..." Miracles are happening right in front of them and that is their response? There is a miracle happening every morning when I wake up. There is a different person looking back at me in the mirror. There is a heart lodged within my chest and there was a point in time when God made it beat for the very first time. And every beat since then has led to this one. That truly is a miracle. My pastor preached on that passage from Acts last Sunday and one thing he said has stuck with me. It was this. "Cynicism refuses to see the miracle that is right in front of its' eyes." I am like the brooders in the passage. My hearts says, "I cannot deny it but let's not let it spread any further. I don't feel comfortable about that."

Maybe some of my cynicism is right. Maybe the charismatics are crazy. Maybe many of their hearts are in the wrong place. But...maybe God's grace is so much bigger than mine, that he chooses to pour out his healing on them anyway. If one thing could be said, I know some of them are at least daring to have hope in a miracle and that's more than could be said of my coffee-cup-sized hope. I am learning that my belief and my hope can't be a reaction to charismatics or anyone else. My belief and my hope must be rooted like a tree in what God says is true. God's Word says that healing does happen. God's word says that I have every reason to hope! God's word says that he is carrying on a work within me that is going to be completed one day. God's word says that God is mighty to save. And then I think of walking in this truth. I immediately get cynical. "Yeah, mighty to save...my grandma hasn't been saved for 80 years..." This is what I have been struggling with lately. I go to pray and there is so little hope within my breast. The Bible in front of me is screaming out possibilities and hopes and miracles and my cynicism cannot deny it but is not willing to let it spread further. In my little apartment here in Buffalo, I am learning to have hope. I am learning to get on my knees and confront whatever dark thoughts are plaguing me that day with the hope of what is true. There is so much that is true and most of it seems too good to be true. Healing? Peoples hearts changing? The praises of God being such in the streets? Okay, let's settle down here. I know we're Christians but let's at least be realistic...

I talk of being realistic. One short oversight. The Bible is my reality. What God says is reality. He is the one who opened his mouth and spoke forth things into existence. He created reality. I know we're Christians but...I need to get a grip and realize that as a Christian, if I don't have hope, I need to learn to hope.

Monday, October 04, 2010

To Know God As True

The conclusion of the following writings in this. God is true. He is not true for me while for you something else remains true. Truth exists outside any person. Truth can never depend upon the human mind for this universe continues to exist whether the human mind exists or not. God is true apart from me and it is only because he is true that I can experience him as true. The great question of my life will always be, "Is God really true?" And the great answer that I will continue to discover is, "Yes, he is true."

My life has been brought low lately. Not in a self-pitying way. I don't need any pats on the back. I need truth. I need to know God as real. What I mean by real? Well, like I can feel my heart beating in my chest right now as I type this. That is real. I want to know him as real like that, not just some thought that I try to think and believe sometimes and convince myself is real.

I began having doubts and questions recently, the kind that you are ashamed to tell people about. You know, questions like whether this is all made up and what would I really have to say to someone who asks me, "Why do you believe in Jesus?" Would I even have something real to say or would it be something like, "Well, I feel him close to me sometimes or he answers my prayers sometimes." If I wasn't a Christian and heard that, I would probably say something like, "Cool, that's nice. I answer my own prayers sometimes." I want to have something real to share with people who don't believe in Jesus and something that I am confident in from the bottom of my heart. I was reading Francis Schaeffer's biography and I was encouraged that he actually spent time asking these questions of God years into being a Christian. His reasoning was that if God was real and true then such questions would find a place to land on. They would ultimately find that God is true and real. So I have been asking those questions honestly from a heart full of doubts and I am here writing you today telling you that He is real and He is true. Here is how.

Shortly after these questions surfaced, I fell into temptation and sin. The aftermath of it all is part of what answered my doubts. I have shared details with close friends of mine and been encouraged but if you are curious about my sin, then just go ahead an imagine the worst. I could tell you it all but it would not come close to the sin that I now know is in my heart. The only possible hope for me is that Jesus really did take all my sin on himself and that He himself will change my heart. If that is true, then it changes everything. In the days that followed, I came to God in prayer and I was almost in horrified disbelief. After all of that, He was filled with love for me and wanted me back?! No, no, no...that could not be. But it was and I could not escape it. I felt my heart being changed just coming back to God. I never wanted to go where I had gone again not because of fear of punishment but because of his LOVE. I deserved to be punished and to die but instead I was loved. I now understand why the hymn says, "Twas grace that taught my heart to fear." Not only does it relieve fears but it instills this fear. Fear of forsaking such amazing love for something so cheap. I sold him for nothing. And then he loved me. If I understand this, then I will give my life away to Him.

So what shall I say to the person who asks me why I believe in Jesus? I would say I believe in him because he is TRUE. That is my starting point. Even the new believer knows this. He has experienced God as true in some way, in some facet of his life. Maybe it was some experience having to do with an addiction. God was true in the midst of his addiction. That is his testimony. Now he goes on following Christ and begins struggling at his job or in his marriage and he is faced once again with the question, "Is God true? Is all of this made up or is it real?" He must now experience God as true and real in his job and in his marriage. Now he has more testimony that God is true. I obviously had not yet experienced God as true in the midst of my sin in a certain place in my heart. That is why EVEN THOUGH I had experienced God as true in the midst of my childhood life, in the midst of friendships, in the midst of school, in the midst of depression, in the midst of heartbreak, I struggled with doubts once more because I had not yet experienced God as true in that area of my heart. Now that I have, I have a testimony to share. I can say to anyone, I believe in Jesus Christ because he is true, because he is real, because he is still alive, and because he is the one who created me. And you can experience him too. I know those I meet in the future will have doubts and unbelief. But I can tell them, there is a real place you can go. And IF he is true, then you will find him there. In the meantime while they are seeking, I will tell them my story and love them as I have been loved.

I have done things that I would be much ashamed to tell you. And in telling you, Christ would be made to look completely beautiful and amazing because his love is the reason you are even reading these words right now. That is why Paul ends in those prayers where he says, "To him be all glory and dominion..." and basically everything.

I had a long drive home through the mountains last night to think about all this. There were a number of songs that I kept listening to. I'm going to put them on a cd and if you want them, just email me back with your address and I'll send them someday. Okay, not someday:) but hopefully sometime soon. They aren't the best songs as far as style goes but when you are brought low, it seems like it's those times that the style of music doesn't really matter as much. You just want to listen to music that's true. So that's just to tell you what the cd would be more like. You might even think some of the songs are cheesy and to be honest, I thought some of them were last night too but I didn't care. It just made me smile and laugh a little bit as I sang along. Meanwhile the sun set with heartbreaking beauty over the mountains as it will continue to do long after I am gone, bearing continuing testimony to the truth of who God is...