Declaring The Mystery of Christ

When it rains or it shines on this pillow of mine
I will lift up my head to the sky
So I have chance to see
Where my hope has come from
No, there's nothing that I can't abide

When nothing satisfies you
When nothing satisfies you
When nothing satisfies you
Hold my hand

Send forth Your light, Lord
And send forth Your truth
Let them guide me to your holy place
Then will I go to the altar of God
to my Joy, my Delight and my Strength

I listened to this song tonight and remembered listening to it my junior year at boarding school. I had my own room that year and so had a lot time to myself. I remember crying into my pillow and feeling the pain of having such beauty right in front of me in God and such disgusting and revolting sin so often rising up within me. I would try to satisfy myself with so many other things besides God and listening to this song gave me sense that God was whispering to my heart, Even though you've wandered away, I've come to find you. Hold my hand. Satisfy yourself in Me. I remember lying curled up on my bed with teary eyes and feeling wrapped in God's comforting presence. I remember never wanting to leave.

I feel some of the same feelings now tonight. You see, my junior year was one of the times when I wandered the most away from God and willfully rebelled and loved sin in so many ways. I wish I could say that I rose from my bed the morning after experiencing God's comfort and went out and laid my life down for Him but I didn't. I got frustrated and I wandered aimlessly, only occasionally lifting up prayers to the God who had laid his life down for me. So many times I have found myself worshipping God in my room by myself, so amazed at how wonderful He is. And so many times I've thought to myself, I wish I could take this peace, this joy, this freedom, and somehow do something to make others experience this! I realize now though that the problem was my own unwillingness to lay my life down, to suffer for God. I didn't yet understand the cross, that all other ground was sinking sand, and that I must remain there. I didn't understand the words of J. Knox Chamblin who wrote, The Spirit does not take his pupils beyond the cross, but ever more deeply into it. I had experienced the cross before in my life but then had moved on and in the process, had left behind the very thing that had set me free to begin with.

I sit here tonight on my ship and I have that same feeling and frustration of wanting to take this great beauty that's captivating my heart and to show it to others somehow. I still don't know how but I know now that I can't do this unless I am taken deeper into the cross. At the cross I am taught how to love and lay my life down for others. I can cry tears in awe of God's grace and rise from my bed the next morning to find all my needs met in one place. I can talk to people throughout my day and the cross that I cling to keeps me humble enough to pray, Spirit, help me. I don't know how to do this. Help me to love them and show them what you showed me.

"Continue steadfastly in prayer, being watchful in it with thanksgiving. At the same time, pray also for us, that God may open to us a door for the word, to declare the mystery of Christ...that I may make it clear, which is how I ought to speak."
Colossians 4:2-4

The Hidden Person of the Heart

I'm so tired of the stumble I've been calling walk. I've so tired of the mumble I've described as talk. Now I think it's time I lose myself in the One who found me here.

I've been listening to this cd Somedays by Matt Wertz while I've been sitting here reading and thinking tonight. I listen to Matt when I drive a lot because his music is relaxing, heart-felt music that makes me consider my life in new ways through the stories he tells in his songs. Whenever I listen to the lyrics above, I think about how I so easily fall into talking about my walk with Christ. Can I really call it a walk? And then to realize that most of the words I have during my day are really just a mumble. They are so unsure and on the surface. They aren't saturated with a love for Christ and his sacrifice for me on the cross. It's so refreshing to just be able to stop and say, God, I can't walk. I can't even find words. And I'll never be able to walk or have words until you come and live your life in me.

In another one of Matt's songs, he tells a story about a beautiful garden:

My garden was once my favorite part of this town
It's beauty overshadowed all the others in this place
You see I hired a man to care for it and keep it that way
He was the best gardener around.
But soon my old pride got to thinking
About doing this job on my own
I fired the man who perfectly kept it
And that's when the weeds started growing

I've tried all the external fix-it remedies
And I've exhausted every ounce of my own strength
But until I dig down deep enough to find the root
All I'm doing is yanking out the weeds

I am reminded by this to consider areas of my life where I am trying to yank out weeds and merely fix the external while my heart remains unchanged. Only Christ can be the gardener of my heart and bring genuine change at the roots.

Do not let your adorning be external...but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious. 1 Peter 3:3-4

I know this was written specifically to wives but the principle behind it is so true! It makes you want to forget about the external things and long for Christ to make you beautiful on the inside, in your heart. When I come before the cross and consider Christ's finished work, how it humbles me and makes me wonder why I try to do things on my own. Lord, help me to surrender each day to the change you want to bring in my heart. Help me to let go of all the external things I am trying to hold on to.

It Is Well

When peace like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

I imagine the writer of this hymn looking down on the waters where only weeks before his four daughters had drowned and were swallowed by the sea. I imagine him standing there, hearing only the peaceful sounds of the ocean while inside he hears the voices of his daughters, beautiful sounds that he will never hear again. Oh, how many tears must have rolled down his cheeks as the Spirit touched his heart and words slowly surfaced to his lips, "It is well with my soul."

How kind of God. How kind of Him to love us by experiencing the same feeling of loss in giving up His Son. Oh, the tears God must have cried as our sin was nailed through the hands of his Son! On a day when my heart feels the loss of saying goodbye and my eyes are wet with tears, my greatest comfort is at the cross where God made a way for us. Here, at the cross, I can hide and though I still cry many tears, there is a sweet peace that passes like a stream over my heart.

'Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning nor crying nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away.' And he who was seated on the throne said, 'Behold, I am making all things new.'
Revelation 21:3-5

I love to sing this hymn so much and I am so often overwhelmed as it fills up my heart. I was watching this video of it being sung in the last days before I left today and God used it to touch my heart. I hope it encourages you as well as you draw close and remember what Christ has done for us. My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought...

Glory Come Down

What is it in the nature of man
That draws us away from our purpose
To despise the things of God
And love the things that hurt us

And this can't be, no it cant be
What you have intended for us
This can't be, no it cannot be
What you have intended for us

Glory, come down
Sent from your holy place
Come cleanse us now
Sovereign and holy, come make us holy
Sovereign and holy, come make us holy

Driving home tonight, I was listening to an old cd mix I made years ago and on it was the song "Glory Come Down" by Sara Groves. What a beautiful song; not only beautiful piano but lyrics filled with beautiful truths as well. How quickly I am drawn away from my purpose and soon I find myself with no appetite or taste for the things of God and I begin loving things that only end up hurting me. Sometimes these things are even the very gifts that God gives me.

I remember one of the prayers I love in "The Valley of Vision" where the writer admits that when God gives him gifts, he begins to idolize them. He prays that God would cleanse him of this "spiritual adultery". I must remember what I learned from John Piper that God's gifts are not meant to be the end in themselves but that they serve their purpose when they are wings that carry me to God and recognizing Him as the prize and the greatest gift.

What a beautiful thought it is, to be holy as He is holy. And it is only God who can accomplish this for in myself there is nothing but sin. God is sovereign and will make me holy as I surrender my adulterous heart to him. These are not light-hearted thoughts when describing my own sinfulness, I know, but how such thoughts cry out for a Savior to cleanse and make beautiful. What was dirty and stained, God makes white as snow. What was dark as night, God fills with light. And the heart that was frozen through, God warms and makes soft. All this was bought by you, Jesus, with a love that suffered, sacrificed, and endured. Make us holy as you are holy. Warm our frozen hearts.

"For Christ also suffered once for sins, the righteous for the unrighteous, that he might bring us to God, being put to death in the flesh but made alive in the spirit..."
1 Peter 3:18

It Will Rain All Day

What was incurable, desperate blindness
Has been bound up from all sides with lovingkindness
Comfort for sorrow
Rivers for dryness
Come and drink, you who have no money.

And it will rain all day
It will rain all day
It will rain all day with the bounty of new wine.

This song makes my heart smile with peace as I listen. I imagine being the only one in a field as a summer rain pours down. As I think of what it looks like, what it feels like, what it smells like, I am reminded of how it feels to experience God's peace in the midst of a painful time. It makes you just want to lie down in that field and rest there for however long, closing and opening your eyes as water drops against your skin and gray clouds swirl by. Lord, surround me with your lovingkindness and peace in the midst of what I so often feel is incurable.

Truth: The Difference Between Despair and Hope

How can I describe what it feels like to despair? Despair always comes suddenly, disorienting you, blinding you, and making you forget the truth of your circumstances. Two days ago I was hit with a sudden wave of despair as I returned to my ship after some time off. All that morning I was overwhelmed with thoughts of leaving for six months and how was I ever going to make it through. It got to the point where it hurt just to think, much less to walk around and be talking to people. I was sitting at lunch with some friends and was forced to talk and make conversation while inside I just wanted to cry out to them!

After lunch, I went back to my room on the ship and crawled into my bunk. I just lay there crying into my pillow like I did when I was a child. It seemed like the more I cried though, the more my heart ached. I tried to pray, I tried to recite verses to myself, but all I could do was cry. I realize that this sounds pitiful especially for a 22-year-old but this is how I felt. I know I wasn't remembering the truth, much less believing it. I know I was being silly in light of all God has done and the finished work of Christ on the cross. I wish so badly I could have done something to change my heart but all I felt like I could do was cry and feel sorry for myself. Time loomed so large over me that even the hours of the afternoon seemed like they would never pass, not to mention six months out at sea.

I couldn't keep lying there like this so finally I got up from my bed and when I checked my email, there was a message from a kind friend from my church who I had emailed earlier that morning. I began reading the first few lines and I couldn't help but close my eyes as the sweet overflow of tears spilled down my cheeks. I smile with joy as I remember this because what I had read was truth and what I felt was release. I read the rest of the email, crying more every few lines. The words were so full of truth and this truth was like a sun burning away the fog that had enshrouded my heart. Through my sobbing, I could hear my heart's cry of "Thank you, thank you, thank you! How could I have been so blind?" My eyes tear up even now as I recall how gracious God was to speak to me through a friend like this.

The truth is so beautiful and so precious when contrasted with the despair that comes with believed lies and half-truths. I realize now that I need to surround myself more with truth, to use it to fight for my own heart and to guard it, and also to open my life up to my friends more so that they can speak truth into my life. Lord, let me always cry out for wisdom and truth in my life. As I seek you in times of despair and times of hope, humble my heart that I might find rest in You.

Drawing Faces

I'm home visiting and little did I know I would find encouragement from something on television. I walked in to just sit on the couch and Berenstain Bears was on. I remember having one of the books when I was little and it was one of my favorites. So I started watching and of course got wrapped up in the story. The boy bear in the family started taking art lessons cause he wanted to learn how to draw faces. He starts taking the lessons and he gets frustrated cause the teacher is making everyone in the class draw circles and ovals at first. Brother Bear just wants to draw faces, not circles and ovals! The next lesson, the teacher makes them all draw three dimensional shapes but Brother Bear doesn't understand how this is going to help him draw faces. Then there is a scene later where Brother Bear is helping a younger bear swing a baseball bat and the younger bear just wants to hit the ball. Brother Bear gets frustrated with him and has to teach him things first to help him like his grip on the bat and his stance. Then he hears himself using the same words his teacher used and has an epiphany where he realizes that maybe all this silly shape-drawing really will help him draw faces.

I know this seems like such a simple lesson but it's something I really needed to hear. I was the same way when I was little. I didn't understand that playing scales really helps you learn to play actual songs on the piano and I just wanted to quit my lessons and learn to play songs on my own. I think I have been getting frustrated in this way in my spiritual life. I want to be able to encourage people, to not get distracted so easily from pursuing God whole-heartedly, to hear from God more clearly. And yet my heart doesn't understand all the time how lengths of time in prayer and the Word and meditating on the truths of the Gospel is going to help me prepare to experience God's gifts.

Thank you Lord for being gracious to speak to me in such an unexpected way. Please give me grace to obey you even when I don't understand and I get impatient!