Have you ever found yourself wishing you were somewhere else or with someone else? And then you think, if only you could be there or with that person then everything would be alright. Looking back over the past couple weeks here I have spent at summer school, I realize I have spent half my time thinking about the future or about what I could have done in the past that would have made the present better for me. As I was lying in bed just now thinking, I got this funny feeling today that something is wrong with this. Does God not tell us not to worry about the future? Was it the the "worry" or the "future" part that I was confused about?
"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart."
Familiar verse. So where do I sign up for this delighting thing so I can get what I want? I think too many times I try to sign contracts and bargain with God to get what I want. I have grown up doing this my whole life, with parents, with siblings, and even with friends sometimes, so no wonder I apply it without thinking to my relationship with God. I am realizing more and more each day that God works by grace and though I do not even deserve to have a relationship with Him, He wants me to come find delight in Him. And so I find that the delighting comes before the desires because once I do delight, my desires change dramatically. I think of these times and of how I couldn't help letting a smile creep onto my face. I thought of all the people I loved and wanted to tell about this overflowing joy that filled me. So I would sit down and write a letter and just let it spill all over the pages. And it didn't matter whether they had or had never known this joy or what they might think of me. What mattered was 'now'. Not the past, not the future, but now and all I could do to serve others for Him. Do I feel like that now? Actually, I feel like I ate too much, want to go to sleep, and don't have the energy to talk to anyone. :) Still, God commands me to love Him and I don't always feel like it. That's what love is though and faith also has a lot to do with it. Believing no matter how I feel because it's what my heart knows is true. There is this truth that I can't completely hold onto all the time but am constantly trying to catch glimpses of and learn more about it. And the promise that one day I will fully know this truth and love the Lord with all my heart, soul, and strength is enough to keep me persevering even when I feel like I have been run over by a steamroller...like right now:)
I'm going to see Kenny Chesney for my first country music concert and guess who I am taking...my dad. He kept asking me if there was some girl I wanted to go with and I was like, "Dad, if I wanted to go with a girl, I would have asked a girl." I guess he gets a little suspicious whenever I want to spend time with him. I will have to work on that. Do you ever feel hesitant of talking to someone because you feel like they might get sick of you? How could you! It is just a funny feeling I get sometimes. Until next time...be strong..and courageous.