To Know God As True

The conclusion of the following writings in this. God is true. He is not true for me while for you something else remains true. Truth exists outside any person. Truth can never depend upon the human mind for this universe continues to exist whether the human mind exists or not. God is true apart from me and it is only because he is true that I can experience him as true. The great question of my life will always be, "Is God really true?" And the great answer that I will continue to discover is, "Yes, he is true."

My life has been brought low lately. Not in a self-pitying way. I don't need any pats on the back. I need truth. I need to know God as real. What I mean by real? Well, like I can feel my heart beating in my chest right now as I type this. That is real. I want to know him as real like that, not just some thought that I try to think and believe sometimes and convince myself is real.

I began having doubts and questions recently, the kind that you are ashamed to tell people about. You know, questions like whether this is all made up and what would I really have to say to someone who asks me, "Why do you believe in Jesus?" Would I even have something real to say or would it be something like, "Well, I feel him close to me sometimes or he answers my prayers sometimes." If I wasn't a Christian and heard that, I would probably say something like, "Cool, that's nice. I answer my own prayers sometimes." I want to have something real to share with people who don't believe in Jesus and something that I am confident in from the bottom of my heart. I was reading Francis Schaeffer's biography and I was encouraged that he actually spent time asking these questions of God years into being a Christian. His reasoning was that if God was real and true then such questions would find a place to land on. They would ultimately find that God is true and real. So I have been asking those questions honestly from a heart full of doubts and I am here writing you today telling you that He is real and He is true. Here is how.

Shortly after these questions surfaced, I fell into temptation and sin. The aftermath of it all is part of what answered my doubts. I have shared details with close friends of mine and been encouraged but if you are curious about my sin, then just go ahead an imagine the worst. I could tell you it all but it would not come close to the sin that I now know is in my heart. The only possible hope for me is that Jesus really did take all my sin on himself and that He himself will change my heart. If that is true, then it changes everything. In the days that followed, I came to God in prayer and I was almost in horrified disbelief. After all of that, He was filled with love for me and wanted me back?! No, no, no...that could not be. But it was and I could not escape it. I felt my heart being changed just coming back to God. I never wanted to go where I had gone again not because of fear of punishment but because of his LOVE. I deserved to be punished and to die but instead I was loved. I now understand why the hymn says, "Twas grace that taught my heart to fear." Not only does it relieve fears but it instills this fear. Fear of forsaking such amazing love for something so cheap. I sold him for nothing. And then he loved me. If I understand this, then I will give my life away to Him.

So what shall I say to the person who asks me why I believe in Jesus? I would say I believe in him because he is TRUE. That is my starting point. Even the new believer knows this. He has experienced God as true in some way, in some facet of his life. Maybe it was some experience having to do with an addiction. God was true in the midst of his addiction. That is his testimony. Now he goes on following Christ and begins struggling at his job or in his marriage and he is faced once again with the question, "Is God true? Is all of this made up or is it real?" He must now experience God as true and real in his job and in his marriage. Now he has more testimony that God is true. I obviously had not yet experienced God as true in the midst of my sin in a certain place in my heart. That is why EVEN THOUGH I had experienced God as true in the midst of my childhood life, in the midst of friendships, in the midst of school, in the midst of depression, in the midst of heartbreak, I struggled with doubts once more because I had not yet experienced God as true in that area of my heart. Now that I have, I have a testimony to share. I can say to anyone, I believe in Jesus Christ because he is true, because he is real, because he is still alive, and because he is the one who created me. And you can experience him too. I know those I meet in the future will have doubts and unbelief. But I can tell them, there is a real place you can go. And IF he is true, then you will find him there. In the meantime while they are seeking, I will tell them my story and love them as I have been loved.

I have done things that I would be much ashamed to tell you. And in telling you, Christ would be made to look completely beautiful and amazing because his love is the reason you are even reading these words right now. That is why Paul ends in those prayers where he says, "To him be all glory and dominion..." and basically everything.

I had a long drive home through the mountains last night to think about all this. There were a number of songs that I kept listening to. I'm going to put them on a cd and if you want them, just email me back with your address and I'll send them someday. Okay, not someday:) but hopefully sometime soon. They aren't the best songs as far as style goes but when you are brought low, it seems like it's those times that the style of music doesn't really matter as much. You just want to listen to music that's true. So that's just to tell you what the cd would be more like. You might even think some of the songs are cheesy and to be honest, I thought some of them were last night too but I didn't care. It just made me smile and laugh a little bit as I sang along. Meanwhile the sun set with heartbreaking beauty over the mountains as it will continue to do long after I am gone, bearing continuing testimony to the truth of who God is...