Over the past few months I have learned that I can only have so many friends. I can only have so many hobbies. I can only think so many thoughts. I can only get so many questions answered during my lifetime. I can't do everything. I can't make every dream come true. I am not God.
I am just a creature.
I can, however, make some dreams come true. I can get some questions answered. I can have some friends. I am limited to some and I must be content with that. To refuse to do so is to go outside of my boundaries.
I am just a creature.
I am just a creature.
While I spent time at L'Abri in Holland, we talked a lot about freedom. What I learned about freedom is that being completely free to do anything and everything is not freedom at all. In fact, when I am faced with this unlimited freedom, I find a tension there. The endless choices and possibilities paralyze me. Unlimited possibility meets limited creature and though at first the creature is dazzled by endless number of paths before him, eventually he is overwhelmed. For me I encounter physical anxiety and an never-ending cycle of thoughts that can lead to depression. There are consequences of my wandering outside my boundaries.
I am just a creature.
I also learned that freedom does not depend upon my detachment from obligations or commitment. Freedom comes through commitment. Freedom depends instead upon the nature of what I am committed to. We commonly think that freedom means more of this and more of that and less of anything that confines. But real freedom means confinement - confinement to something life-giving. In real freedom, I choose to have only this and only that because only this and only that is beautiful and worth so much to me that I will willingly commit myself to it.
I am just a creature.
Creatures have definition. If you look up the word "creature" in the dictionary, you will find it defined as best as someone could. You and I too are words with definitions. And yet we are such complex words that only God, the Creator of creatures can describe the lines that define us. If someone were to ask God, "That one, Patrick, who is he?", God could answer. I have definition. I am confined to my definition and yet when I accept who I am, I have freedom to move and exist and love within my specifically-drawn lines. Psalm 139 describes our defining. He hems us in behind and before and lays his hand upon us. He wove us together. We have definition. Freedom means that we are free to exist as we are.
I am just a creature.
What a fearful place to be - to accept who I am in my beautiful limitation. While beautiful, it is also painful because there is beauty outside my limitations - a forbidden beauty that I must not desire or dwell on. It is not mine, it is someone else's. When my heart is filled with such covetous desire, the best thing is for my heart to be broken and to finally let go of its wayward dreams. Then I am free to experience healing and to have my heart learn to love the body and soul to which it is tied. What a fearful place to be - first to accept and second, to learn to move within this freedom. It is beautiful that in Him we live and move and have our being but it is also fearful when we learn the truth that we were created defined for a defined purpose. We learn our value and then we learn to bow and place our value on the altar to be used. The one who can speak out our definition by heart also speaks a word to send us out into the world and to actually live as ourselves.
I am just a creature.
In this thought process, this is the point in my understanding where I find myself falling short. I cannot describe the intricacies of what takes place on the altar when someone places themselves before God. I do not know what will happen when this is all lived out. This is where each person's story begins to unfold in its' own way. This is prayer - not dead and lifeless prayer, not rote and predictable prayer, but prayer that overflows with unpredictability and life. It is unpredictable to the extent that something will happen within the confines of God's promises but not outside. It is full of life to the extent that within the confines of God's promises, there is perfect freedom and room for all the beauty that the world contains. We are who we are and God is who he is. I accept who I am and I come to him as myself. To my delight, I find that because of Jesus, he loves me as myself.
I am just a creature.
So Lord, break my covetous heart, heal it to a place of accepting itself, and let it learn to know that it is loved even as it is called to new places. If it is called somewhere specific, let it learn to accept where it is called. If it is given freedom to choose, let it learn to seek you in what it chooses. I cannot do all but I can do some. Let me choose to walk with you in my some.
I am, happily and fearfully, your creature.
Creatures have definition. If you look up the word "creature" in the dictionary, you will find it defined as best as someone could. You and I too are words with definitions. And yet we are such complex words that only God, the Creator of creatures can describe the lines that define us. If someone were to ask God, "That one, Patrick, who is he?", God could answer. I have definition. I am confined to my definition and yet when I accept who I am, I have freedom to move and exist and love within my specifically-drawn lines. Psalm 139 describes our defining. He hems us in behind and before and lays his hand upon us. He wove us together. We have definition. Freedom means that we are free to exist as we are.
I am just a creature.
What a fearful place to be - to accept who I am in my beautiful limitation. While beautiful, it is also painful because there is beauty outside my limitations - a forbidden beauty that I must not desire or dwell on. It is not mine, it is someone else's. When my heart is filled with such covetous desire, the best thing is for my heart to be broken and to finally let go of its wayward dreams. Then I am free to experience healing and to have my heart learn to love the body and soul to which it is tied. What a fearful place to be - first to accept and second, to learn to move within this freedom. It is beautiful that in Him we live and move and have our being but it is also fearful when we learn the truth that we were created defined for a defined purpose. We learn our value and then we learn to bow and place our value on the altar to be used. The one who can speak out our definition by heart also speaks a word to send us out into the world and to actually live as ourselves.
I am just a creature.
In this thought process, this is the point in my understanding where I find myself falling short. I cannot describe the intricacies of what takes place on the altar when someone places themselves before God. I do not know what will happen when this is all lived out. This is where each person's story begins to unfold in its' own way. This is prayer - not dead and lifeless prayer, not rote and predictable prayer, but prayer that overflows with unpredictability and life. It is unpredictable to the extent that something will happen within the confines of God's promises but not outside. It is full of life to the extent that within the confines of God's promises, there is perfect freedom and room for all the beauty that the world contains. We are who we are and God is who he is. I accept who I am and I come to him as myself. To my delight, I find that because of Jesus, he loves me as myself.
I am just a creature.
So Lord, break my covetous heart, heal it to a place of accepting itself, and let it learn to know that it is loved even as it is called to new places. If it is called somewhere specific, let it learn to accept where it is called. If it is given freedom to choose, let it learn to seek you in what it chooses. I cannot do all but I can do some. Let me choose to walk with you in my some.
I am, happily and fearfully, your creature.
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