Rose of Bethlehem

There’s a Rose in Bethlehem
Colored red like mercy’s blood
Tis the flower of our faith
Tis the blossom of God’s love

Though its bloom is fresh with youth
Surely what will be He knows
For a tear of morning dew
Is rolling down the Rose

Oh, Rose of Bethlehem
How lovely, pure and sweet
Born to glorify the Father
Born to wear the thorns for me

This song is just beautiful. I have been listening to it over and over again in the past couple of days. It is probably my favorite Christmas song ever. Last time I journaled here about Chrismas I talked about how I was trying not to be selfish around Christmas time. It is so much work not to just join in everyone else's attitude around Christmas time as far just being caught up in it all and not slowing down to remember. Remember Christ's words, "Do this in remembrance of me." Let this be our thought as we celebrate Christmas, as we love and serve people, as we give of ourselves and what is precious to us just like God did in giving us Himself wrapped in flesh. The things of this world will not last. Our glory will not last. God will last forever and his glory will remain long after the glory of this world has faded.

Oh, Rose of Bethlehem. You are lovely. You are pure. You are sweet. Make us like you.

A Star-Filled Sky

Loneliness. Despair. Restlessness.

These are my initial feelings at being out to sea. I was about to go crazy sitting in my stateroom and so I put my headphones on and rocked out dancing around to O God Our Help In Ages Past. Ha, it helped a little bit:)
What really pierced through my heart though was when I went outside for fifteen minutes before the Ops brief. I knew the Christmas party for my church care group was going on while I was out there but all I could think was that if I was there I would be missing this beautiful sight.

So many stars, the sound of the ocean, and water as far as the eye can see.

These were the same stars that Abraham gazed at probably through tear-filled eyes as God foretold the number of his descendants. He was probably also acutely mindful of his old lady of a wife Sarah probably lay sleeping nearby. These were the same stars I had gazed at countless times before in my life. So many Spirit-filled times around the campfire at White Sulphur Springs. The sweet smell of the forest and the cool mountain air refreshing my senses. Wonderful people surrounded me, all singing to the same magnificent God, his Spirit filling everyone with breath. How brightly the stars did shine then!

So I sat curled up, staring at the stars that night and felt God telling me, Behold the number and brilliance of these stars; so are my promises for you. Did you not know they were here? I swallowed hard at this and tears pushed at my eyes. So many stars, so many promises that shine out. How rarely do I retreat from my life to meditate on them and gain strength from them? Tonight though they came alive for me finally and through tear-filled eyes I sang the only words that came to my heart.

O Lord
You're beautiful
Your face is all I seek
And when your eyes
Are on this child
Your grace abounds
To me

In that moment I was enfolded as the beloved of God.

Falling In Love

So many things are coming together in my mind. I read the first chapter of a book called A Severe Mercy by Sheldon Vanauken. I can already tell that this book is going to have a profound effect on me at this point in my life. The author falls in love with a girl that he goes to university with and through their encounters with C.S. Lewis, they becomes Christians, though not without much intellectual scrutiny. I haven't read that far but supposedly he becomes jealous when he finds out she is caught up in love with someone else. That someone else is God. My jaw drops at this. What a beautiful occurence and one full of joy and sorrow as she dies two years after their marriage and he is forced to search out his own love for God.
I have been reminded more recently of the importance of viewing my interaction with God as falling in love, filled with both the joys and sorrows of love. Community has been a markedly beautiful gift in my life recently and through it I have been confronted with whom I am seeking most to fall in love with. I have met so many people with beautiful hearts during this time and would be lying to say that I haven't been neglecting the most beautiful of hearts, the heart of God. I have been spending much of my thoughts pondering on who among the girls I know could be my future wife. I am somewhat ashamed to admit this because this is not the view of myself that I portray to others. I will also say that I feel an invigorating joy at leaving these thoughts by the wayside and consuming my thoughts with God. Something snapped when I read that first chapter of A Severe Mercy and I realized with weight, the foolishness of me even doubting for one second God's promise to provide me with a companion in his time.
I have been listening to the song How To Save A Life over and over as I write this journal. Somehow it fits with what I'm feeling right now. I think it is the aspect of having wasted opportunities that you wish you could have back. Yes, I am forgiven and God gives me new mercy after I waste so many thoughts on other things but I cannot merely shrug these wasted times from my memory so casually. I cannot help but think how these wasted opportunities translate into my heart being numb to the greatest love and greatest beauty that sit right in front of me. It's like when a person is talking to you intently and you are secretly looking around the room for another person whose attention you would like to have more. This reflects my actions with God. How foolish!
And so I accept God's forgiveness now, but not without tears as I see my sin for what it is. As God so intently looks into my eyes right down to my heart, may I with tear-filled eyes look intently back at him with an eagerness to begin running as hard as I can towards his heart.

A Return To Community

I once read a great book on community called The Kingdom of Couches. I was reminded of the book as I was staying up late talking with Wes and Steve last weekend. Steve was talking about just struggles he was having with feeling out of place at the church and I mean, I had stuff in my head that I could have said but for some reason I had this feeling that these words would be of no real help to him. So I prayed that God would give me what He had to say and what came to mind eventually was community. And so I began to examine our community of singles at the church and just how we hang out. We are really good at hanging out but what's missing is a spiritual depth as a group. I am truly amazed at the spiritual depth of singles in our church but it doesn't seem like we go deep together. I wonder how necessary this is because I know that many would respond to this by pointing out that they have a couple special people that they feel comfortable sharing their lives with. Surely that is necessary as well but something inside me feels that during our hang-out time there should be almost a tangible eagerness to engage each other spiritually and care for each other. And so I must pray on the matter and prepare myself to be amazed at what God is going to do.

Wednesday night, the guys in our care group got together and talked about pornography and lust. I'm always amazed to hear people talk about their struggles who I would have never expected. It's amazing what we can keep hidden from others. As I considered my own struggle since I turned that wonderful age of 12 or so, I realized that my only victory over pornography and lust came through community. In community you are reminded of the beauty of others. Something so impersonal as pornography then becomes sickening having tasted something so personal as community with others.

Community becomes an idol for me though when I begin pursuing community instead of pursuing Christ through community. I have been experiencing this recently and it has required some adjusting in how I experience God's gift of community. As John Piper pointed out to me, our tendency is so often to worship God's gifts instead of God himself. Rather, God's gifts are meant to be the wings that carry us to God. This is definitely evident with community. Community as a gift provides a place where we can build up our faith, practice our gifts, and hear from God so that we are then able to reach out into the world and ultimately point ourselves and others to Christ. Community allows us to come out of hiding so that our exposed hearts can be both seen for what they are and then healed. Then we can respond by hiding in Christ as a body.