Falling In Love

So many things are coming together in my mind. I read the first chapter of a book called A Severe Mercy by Sheldon Vanauken. I can already tell that this book is going to have a profound effect on me at this point in my life. The author falls in love with a girl that he goes to university with and through their encounters with C.S. Lewis, they becomes Christians, though not without much intellectual scrutiny. I haven't read that far but supposedly he becomes jealous when he finds out she is caught up in love with someone else. That someone else is God. My jaw drops at this. What a beautiful occurence and one full of joy and sorrow as she dies two years after their marriage and he is forced to search out his own love for God.
I have been reminded more recently of the importance of viewing my interaction with God as falling in love, filled with both the joys and sorrows of love. Community has been a markedly beautiful gift in my life recently and through it I have been confronted with whom I am seeking most to fall in love with. I have met so many people with beautiful hearts during this time and would be lying to say that I haven't been neglecting the most beautiful of hearts, the heart of God. I have been spending much of my thoughts pondering on who among the girls I know could be my future wife. I am somewhat ashamed to admit this because this is not the view of myself that I portray to others. I will also say that I feel an invigorating joy at leaving these thoughts by the wayside and consuming my thoughts with God. Something snapped when I read that first chapter of A Severe Mercy and I realized with weight, the foolishness of me even doubting for one second God's promise to provide me with a companion in his time.
I have been listening to the song How To Save A Life over and over as I write this journal. Somehow it fits with what I'm feeling right now. I think it is the aspect of having wasted opportunities that you wish you could have back. Yes, I am forgiven and God gives me new mercy after I waste so many thoughts on other things but I cannot merely shrug these wasted times from my memory so casually. I cannot help but think how these wasted opportunities translate into my heart being numb to the greatest love and greatest beauty that sit right in front of me. It's like when a person is talking to you intently and you are secretly looking around the room for another person whose attention you would like to have more. This reflects my actions with God. How foolish!
And so I accept God's forgiveness now, but not without tears as I see my sin for what it is. As God so intently looks into my eyes right down to my heart, may I with tear-filled eyes look intently back at him with an eagerness to begin running as hard as I can towards his heart.