So much has happened since I last wrote here, even if I wrote it all out in detail I could not describe what has happened in my heart. Just that very idea reminds me of something I read in "Blue Like Jazz" by Donald Miller. Don's friend is talking to him about his wife and how he can't tell her everything, not because he won't but because it's impossible for him to voice everything he feels to her. He was saying how it showed him that his relationship with his wife is so wonderful but it will never be complete. Something was still missing. He said this all just made him realize that his relationship with Christ was the complete relationship that his soul longed for. All this started to make sense to me as I read it. I was thinking about relationships a lot and remembered Ravi Zacharias talking about how there is meaning in life and that relationships are a clue to this meaning. Ravi talks about how while embracing his young toddler who runs to him after he comes home from a trip, he learns more about life in that moment than from any amount of books he may have read. This made a lot of sense to me and made me look at my relationship with God, Christ, and the Holy Spirit in a different way. This relationship is to the extreme in every facet. If our relationships with each other hold mysterious qualities, how much more mysterious should our relationship be with God? How much less should we understand this relationship and by faith, simply give our whole being as a sacrifice for the other in love. This helped me break the mold of how I had been looking at God from my shrunken pitiful perception. God can't be contained by any allegories, anectodes, examples, or thoughts we can come up with. We always hear people say this very thing but ironically keep doing it out of habit. It feels so good to let go of this and not think of Godas one who does this but certainly doesn't do that...sure, I guess He could do that, He's capable of anything...but He just doesn't. It's so easy to create a God I can just become comfortable with and the more I get to know God for who He really is, the more I realize that I will only get more uncomfortable with who God is. It's like that person you know you love and you know they love you but you still find yourselves surrpised by them and nervous around them in certain situations. I don't know...maybe you understand. I hope you do. Maybe you think you understand God. I hope you don't. I don't know if I will ever understand God and I don't know if I ever want to. I just want to be who He made me and be in the most mysterious relationship ever possible.
I like to hear stories about God where I have this reaction of, "I can't believe God did that?" I can't believe God had Abraham take Isaac up to the mountain to be sacrificed. To be honest, it always seemed kind of messed up to me. How could Hosea marry a prostitute? How could he turn my brother into a Jesus Freak? How could He allow me to pray to Him in tongues and then give me proof that it was real? The questions go on an on and I become more and more amazed. For someone like me with what many people call ADD, this God of Heaven is like a dream come true. The moment we can understand and fathom eternity is the moment we can be comfortable with God. I used to always wonder how people could ever stay passionate about God day after day, to read the Bible and to actually be renewed and refreshed daily. The answer I always got from people was that you just had to be disciplined and to an extent I understand that discipline is part of being a Christian and can serve as an expression of love. What really answered these questions for me though was that honestly, no one could stay passionate for long about God in the way I looked at Him. I think if we be honest with ourselves, we will all recognize our shortcoming in this area. We limit our passion when we limit our way of looking at God. The more I learn to see God for who He is, the less I doubt when I pray, the less I press my own agenda in everything I do. I feel like so many times I get so pumped about doing things for God I don't leave much for room for God to do anything in my life. God is the planner, God is the judge, God is Giver of all gifts. The less I try to plan, try to judge others, try to give my worthless gifts, the more I am free as a vessel of love who accepts every single person without discretion as worthy of my love. Before I know it, I actually feel like I am living for something. Yes I am confronted with fear, being unsure, but what opportunities to step out in faith and let an infinite God completely blow my mind. I find myself doing completely foolish and crazy things that make less and less sense to me but what greater proof to my heart of God's love when I see a friend break into tears or hear someone talk passionately about what God is doing in their life. My brother and his wife bought me a cd from this church down in Florida where supposedly angels have joined in the singing. May sound a little whacked out I know, but I found myself listening with curiosity and I tried to keep an open heart. Next thing I know, I am on the verge of tears listening to this music that barely has any words. I don't understand it at all. I can't really describe it to you. I guess that's that theme of this whole entry is that I can't describe it to you. I would just give you this advice. Don't try to think of God as bigger... just stop thinking. It's pretty scary I know. He gave me this image in my mind where I am in this open field before a thunderstorm. The wind is threatening and the rain is beginning to mist all around. Above me with a sky of gray clouds that, as I lie on my back, just completely overwhelms me. Pretty soon the rain drops are flooding my eyes so much that I just have to close them. I imagine just being swallowed by this great gray sky as it stretches out infinitely. I cringe with my teeth clamped tightly at the thunder and lightning but a smile breaks out on my face as my body starts shaking. This vision helps me understand God as someone who I can never wrap my mind around so I just let His presence swallow me. Let God's presence swallow you. Pursue His presence with passion. Love Him with your whole being. Step out in faith. Be a fool. It's the wisest thing you'll ever do. "[God] is pretty much the best thing that ever happened to me..I'm like a hundred percent positive [He's] my soulmate." Peace out.

"Take my voice, and let me sing always, only, for my King.
Take my lips, and let them be filled with messages from Thee.
Take my silver and my gold; not a mite would I withhold.
Take my intellect, and use every power as Thou shalt choose."

The verse of this hymn aptly describes the change that has been taking place in my life during the past two months I have neglected to write here. The Naval Academy really only leaves me with so much creative writing energy, if any, at the end of the day. I have been working on a poem, which is still in progress, and that has taken up much of my writing time. So, there's my excuse. I really hope it's good enough!
Moving back on track...the words of this hymn are just beautiful even without the music. In regard to the first line, I realize that worshipping God with in song should not be something new but there are two words that stuck out to me when I was listening to the song lately. We are not only called to sing for God but to sing always and only for God. Even as I worship when the band plays at church or at Tuesday night meetings here at school, many times I find my mind wandering to other things, to other people, who I plan to talk to afterwards. What were those words I was singing...wait a second. I am called to humble myself as I sing and this means placing all my attention on God's glory and praise and completely forgetting myself and all that worries me which God has already taken care of.
In my last entry I mentioned a question that had been on my mind. When was the last time I was spoken to by God? When was the last time I was seeking His face in prayer and meditation on the Word? The two questions go hand in hand. "Take my lips and let them be, filled with messages from Thee." It's funny, I was singing this verse to myself as I was on my way somewhere I remember singing "filled with messages for Thee." Later as I read through the lyrics, I noticed the difference in wording. It's pretty easy for me to come to God with messages of my own that I have for him...things I want done in my life, things I want to experience, people I want changed. Oddly enough, this hymn does not mention messages I have for God but the other way around.
Just as when I worship, I must be strip my mind of every thought concerning myself and replace them with thoughts that desire to bring pleasure to God, so I must also take every message I have for God and let them be completely dissolved by the promise that He is more than enough for my every thirst and every need. As a result I am left humbled and when I seek the Lord in confident prayer with thanksgiving, I find that God will speak to me though most of time not right at that moment and not in a way that I expect. Of course that is the beauty of how God speaks to us. Surprise presents are always the best and I think God pretty much has them down pretty well.
The third line addresses a part of my life that is a mess. I am horrible with money and credit cards. It took me a while to realize that credit cards actually use real money! I guess we all learn these lessons somehow. Learning my way always seems to be the most difficult. I am slowly trying to come to grips with the idea of holding loosely to my money and possessions and accepting the fact my money is meant to be used in God's service, not to appease my constantly changing and always unfulfilled desires to make myself look cool by buying a certain shirt or certain shoes. I realize that when I go to buy clothes, it usually always in an effort to define "me", as if how good I look in my clothes will somehow be the deciding factor in whether the girl I end up marrying will like me or not. By buying clothes with such a purpose, I am indirectly letting God know that my faith is not completely resting on His ability and promise to take care of the area of life concerning my relationships with girls, but that I really need to take care of some of it for God because obviously He doesn't realize that I am growing a little impatient here!
It is okay to look good for someone. I am not saying all girls should stop wearing makeup and perfume. I am addressing where we are placing our hope and where we are finding our identity. Before we walk into the store to buy those clothes, we must already be confident that our identity is perfect and proven in Christ. He's taking care of our life, it's great! Somehow we tend to slip the relationship and friendship card from the deck we have given to God as if He does not notice that it is missing. The ironic thing about this is that we are so convinced that by doing this, we are actually helping ourselves when in reality we are hurting the very area of our lives on whichever card we have taken from the deck. An example would be when we try to change our personality in order to impress certain people. It's funny though because when we do try to take on a new personality, most of the time we fail in some way, and even when we do get good at it enough that we can succeed, we end up attracting people whose values do not align with ours and would compromise our values without a care. Meanwhile, the person who would have been drawn to our real personality has seen us behaving in this way and has turned the other way without interest.
God made you a certain way for a reason. He gave you your specific personality and He also has someone for you who will complement that personality in so many ways. Rejoice in who you are! Be genuine in love and with confidence, knowing that your identity is proven in Christ. When years have passed by and friends have passed by, you will be sitting on your porch outside in your rocker covered in a cloud of gray hair and your identity in Christ will still be as proven as it ever was and will be more beautiful than you could have ever imagined. I put myself in that rocker often. I like to imagine what I will be thinking then especially as I look back at what I am going through at that given moment.
I didn't mean to go on this long and I realize there is still another line left in the hymn. I will keep it short. Basically this has addressed my studies and my work ethic related to those studies. Glorifying God in all things includes schoolwork...I guess so but am not really sure how...God really just cares about whether I'm reading the Bible, praying, and going to church, that are of my life concerning "religion", right? This was reaction for a long time. God has put us where we are for a reason. If we are at school, he has put us there for a reason. How do we glorify God in an area of our lives such as schoolwork?
This goes back to our identity being proven in Christ. We must not do our schoolwork with even the slightest intent our proving ourselves by how well we do. Once we have abandoned all such thought, we can put our intellect to use in glorifying God by doing well. People around us at school are watching us. People are not meant to see us reading the Bible or going to a fellowship meeting and somehow notice Christ in us. People notice Christ in us when they see a genuine change. Most of the time I interact with my peers is before, during, or after classes or studying. Should not this area of school work then be a primary are in which I seek to glorify God. When we come to terms with our proven identity in Christ in all areas of life, our lives become never-ending testimonies to the love of Christ working in us.
Summer is almost here which is exciting. Exams are coming up, also exciting. I went to Georgetown a couple of weekends ago and was stood up by someone, also exciting...ha, a good thing my identity is already proven. (It's amazing how much our identity in Christ comes in handy!). I am hoping to go the Opera at the Kennedy Center one of these weekends coming up. The end of the school year is shaping up though and the summer is looking a little uncertain but of course it will definitely be...exciting.

"Take my will, and make it thine; it shall be no longer mine.
Take my heart, it is thine own; it shall be thy royal throne.
Take my love, my Lord, I pour at thy feet its treasure-store.
Take myself, and I will be ever, only, all for thee."

Looking back at my journal, I realize that I've only really written here about once a month. I think this has something to do with how infrequently I am in a reflective mood and not involved in some spiritual, emotional, or academic battle. I think about the past summer and how much more time I spent by myself, talking with my creator. Lately, I've been missing this time because my heart has forgotten the peace and guidance it brings to my life. I received a book and then a postcard from my grandmother. The postcard lacked any direct point but was just words lingering over thoughts. Somehow though, the postcard meant a lot and put me in a reflective mood that was surprisingly refreshing.
Sometimes I wonder why everything has to be analyzed and broken down systematically. Why can't things just be? When I sit behind my house and watch the tress, I do not want to think of cells and photosynthesis. I want to be inspired by the noise the wind makes as it touches leaves and to be spoken to through the wondrous creation that surrounds me. When I am lost, God sends me these messages, sometimes in the form of a grandmother's postcard, a poem read while just in the right mood, or in the words of a friend that seem uncannily clear in explaining what has been on my mind lately. These are God's love notes he keeps sending me. People want to know how to hear God's voice but it can't be explained because He speaks to each heart in a different way. God is the perfect romancer and He always knows exactly the right words to say that bring out heart into focus.
The sad truth is that most days I don't even give Him the time of day. It's like I've found the love of my life and now I'm content not to get to know Him at all. I hope I don't do the same thing with my future wife. Lately, I have realized just how messed up it is of me to ignore the greatest lover I will ever meet. You would think I would want to get to know Him and hear from Him as much as possible and in turn to share everything that is on my heart. No more of these quick prayers and then off to class. Just like a husband at work can not wait to get home that night to spend time with his wife, I want to be distracted in class because I can not wait to spend time alone with God.
At the same time, I was thinking of how some husbands may do all the rights things but their heart is not in it. They may bring flowers home some evenings and take their wives out dinner Friday night, but how much do the flowers mean and how deep is the conversation over dinner? These are the questions that matter. It would be the same thing if we were to rattle off quick, semi-rehearsed prayers as we get ready for our day, to go to church and Bible study. Just like the flowers and dinner, prayer, church, or Bible study are all good things. The questions that matter come up again: How well am I getting to know my Savior? When is that last time He spoke to me? I want to be able to honestly say that I spend at least fifteen minutes a day talking, sharing my heart, and listening to God. It is amazing how much change I have gone through and how much more peace I have the more I have put this into action. I am anxious to see what will happen the more I continue in this manner.

I just arrived at home for Christmas leave and I am already bored. It may be partly because none of the family is in the house. An empty house is always quite peaceful though. I tried reading a little Nicholas Sparks for a while but after a chapter, I could not read anymore. My brain is a little worn out after taking exams, which went quite well. My method of getting through exams has always been to relax my way through them. My parents would roll their eyes if they heard that but it really is my special way of getting through them. I usually make sure I get a lot of sleep. I don't really do that much studying for them if you are talking about quantitative hours studied but I make sure that while I am studying, I stay relaxed and just enjoy it as best I can. Lastly, I try to get something to eat before the exam and get a relaxing song in my head. Of course this method probably only works for me since I am a little stranger than your average person. Stressing over them would probably work best for you...
So it's Christmas season and there's supposed to be quite a bit of magic floating around somewhere. As I reflect on past Christmases, I don't remember my fantastic expectations ever being wholly fulfilled. I have seen the same regret in many other people so I am sure many of you can relate. I always keep thinking, maybe next Christmas will be that romantic Christmas I always dreamed of. As I thought about it though, I realized that any "magic" that was there during Christmas was because of family and friends who provided it with their love, mainly my mother and father. So I came to the conclusion that the season's magical quality just doesn't happen to show up during the last month of the year when snow starts falling, but people actually have to do loving things to make it happen. Maybe this would explain why my general air of selfishness around Christmas time has always seemed to spoil the season's magic for me and for those around me.
I am going to try something new this year though and I hope that you will commit to do the same. I am actually going to devote my time to making the season more magical for others. This doesn't mean I am going to come up with expensive gifts or write holiday poems for my mom. It's doing little things that ease the pressure and stress off parents such as helping keep the house clean and not complaining when I am asked to do something even though I already had other plans. God did the most loving thing possible in sending his Son for us during this same season and that's what initially started the magic. It is no surprise that by not thinking about ourselves and doing loving things for others, we are able to bring small glimpes of this magic to them.
I saw the movie "Love Actually" and I really loved it. I hear there are some other good movies out but haven't had much time lately to indulge myself. I finished "The Wedding" by Nicholas Sparks and would recommend it especially if you are a guy. It addresses and brings life to certain issues that many people don't consider when they get married. For now, I wait for my whole family to arrive later this week and also some friends. We are going on a tour of the White House which should be neat. Have a blessed Christmas as you bring magic to others!

"Love suffers long and is kind, it does not envy, does not parade itself." As I read these words recently, I looked into my heart and thought about how much I am impatient, self-serving, uncontent with myself, and how much of my life is really just a show. This love described in 1 Corinthians refers to a pure love, Christ's love, to which our love should always be aspiring. Christ's love needs to be permeating everything I do, every moment and in all things. Many of the best things in life, we have to wait for, and it's partly the waiting that gives them their wonderful quality. It really is a challenge to be patient with myself and with those around me, especially when the flesh inside me tries to take control and keeps screaming at me, "What are you waiting for?" Just this past weekend, as I was playing a squash match with a graduate, afterward he told me, "You're going to win a lot of big matches, you just need to be a little more patient." So that has been my quest lately, just to let go and stop trying to take control of every situation I am in. And when you do, it's the best feeling in the world, and people around you see the difference. As we make these attributes of love a part of our lives, "when we sit in our house, when we walk by the way, and when we lie down, and when we rise.", each one is beautiful and people can't help but notice something beautiful inside us, which is just a small glimpse of Christ's love.
I have been finding my heart lately and was inspired by the words of my pastor, Keith Peck, "Turn the radio off, and listen to your heart." Whether it's the radio or anything I try to fill my life up with, I have been turning it off, listening to my heart, and am amazed at the peace I find in just sitting out back behind my house on a weekend, just staring at the trees, the stars, and listening to the sounds of the night. God blesses us when we give him our time and it's just us and his creation, no people to worry about looking good for or acting a certain way for. Just us, our heart, and God speaking to us through His creation. I have found that the more I stop to notice and calm myself before His creation, the more I am in awe of it, and it never gets old. It becomes a habit, like the man living out in the country who sits out on his porch in his rocker, every night as the sun sets, letting his mind wander, listening to his heart, letting himself be at peace. God wants me and not just part of me but all of me, and what a joy it is to every day, give all of myself up to Him, and through everything knowing He is in the most perfect control.

It has been a while since I have written here and a lot of nothing has been happening since. I have been in classes for a few weeks here and I have to say that the Naval Academy is like a whole new school when you are not a plebe. I am a little frustrated that we are not supposed to make friends with the plebes when they are the ones that I most identify with and are also the most apt to appreciate friendship. In my spiritual life, I have to admit that not much exciting has been going on which I am making a half-hearted effort not to be content with. I feel much like I am being lukewarm. I have been keeping myself away from major downfalls and sidetracks but don't feel like I'm really pressing forward either. I am tempted to just write that I am really going to try to turn things around which I have said so many times in my life and not followed through that it makes me sick. I would just ask for your prayers in this and hopefully I will be able to follow through with what my heart really desires, to be living in God's grace each day here.
One of the things I have noticed about myself is that I get feelings and I really don't know why I have them and it takes a lot of time and effort to figure them out. I feel like I am being dragged through highs and lows, whether it's oddly being attracted to a certain girl and not knowing why, or whether it's feeling despair at some little thing which I am not sure as to why it has struck me in a tender place. I am hesitant to fully embrace these feelings because in the past it has led to a lot of pain. Many times though it causes me to run to God and I have been learning more and more not to demand an answer from Him but rather to just lay down before His throne and express my desire to be his servant and my wish that He would use me in some way. Then just to talk to Him and spill my feelings, trusting that He will be faithful and provide whispers to guide me even though my feelings would take me elsewhere. One of the verses I have been thinking a lot about is from Philippians 4 when it talks about being both hungry and full. It's funny that right now when I think about it, I feel like I am neither hungry nor full and thus falling short in both areas. And once I get to be one of the two, I find it hard to be the other at the same time.
The autumn weather has been coming which I love especially in Maryland. I know that many of you have started school recently and I my wish for you is that you would stop every day to rejoice in God's creation and let God speak to you through the natural surroundings He has placed you in. Many times God will speak to us through His creation and it can one of the most beautiful things and I know you will be blessed by such time well-spent in every one of the days He has blessed you with. Every time you walk outside his love is surrounding you in the wind, in the trees, in the rain.
"And even when the trees have just surrendered to the harvest time forfeiting their leaves in late September and sending us inside. Still I notice You when change begins and I am braced for colder winds. I will offer thanks for what has been and is to come." Nichole Nordeman

The past weekend was one of blessing but also one of recognized failure. My family went up to White Sulphur Springs for a week so I thought it would be nice to go up there just for Saturday night and come back Sunday since I had the weekend off. We like to think we have good intentions but a lot of the time we just come up with good intentions that are certainly good, but are also certainly not our main focus in doing what we have set our minds on carrying out. I got my friend Sean to come. He is in my company and I knew he was a Christian so invited him to join me. I had never been able to have any spiritually-based conversations with him but I guess I was hoping that bringing him to such a place would provide room for such a possibility to take shape. He was cool with the idea and didn't have any big plans for the weekend. So we headed up there with my family, which was hardly awkward even though it was his first time around my family. We showed up and I kind of just let him warm up to place, tried to get him to meet people, even if it meant going off on my own so he kind of had to. On my part, I can make it look like this was wholly good intentions by which I was driven but in reality I have to admit that I was thinking of myself and how much I wanted to go spend time with some friends there. It was selfish of me, though at the same time I am thankful that God allowed Sean to make some friends while he was up there and have some good talks with people.
Looking back, I remember feeling like I didn't have enough time there instead of having an attitude of thanksgiving that I was able to have the time I did. I know I spent the weekend rather selfishly and really put God on hold for just that one day so I could enjoy myself or if I wasn't quite putting Him on hold, I know I definitely shifted Him from being my sole desire. It is frustrating thinking about it now because I think so much of what I should have done and in what ways my attitude should have been different. How could I have let God slip from being my one desire, my sole purpose for living? It's so frustrating for me in hindsight and I think it is the same for all Christians. It is painful but also what a blessing when we are actually able to recognize our failures. Once we do, how much more do we need God's grace and come to Him to make us pure. So it is painful but then also what joy in knowing God's mercy.
I am thankful to have had another learning experience even though it did hurt a little and definitely left me with a lot to sort out. On the way back, Sean and I got to have a good talk and so far this week we have continued sharing our thoughts and what God has been showing us. I would never have thought...It is amazing the mysterious ways in which God works. I felt like God used me in helping Sean be encouraged and provoked to grow, and all despite my failings and own selfishness at times. It is such a surprise to see the ways in which He uses us, even when we didn't really know what to expect. And I think if I did even expect anything, it surely wasn't this! How gracious a God!
So I continue to struggle this week with a lot of things but am thankful that I am able to recognize my failures and come to God with them and ask for His strength and His wisdom in my decisions when I want so badly to act on my emotional highs and lows. I am rolling through this book, "Wild At Heart" by John Eldredge and it is definitely altering my persepective and opening my eyes to a lot of things. I am also reading "The Cross-Centered Life" by C.J. Mahaney which deals with something I struggle with a lot, letting my feelings dictate how I think of and view my relationship with God, instead of resting in his grace that comes through the cross and making it the center of my everyday life. I would recommend both of these books to you as books you should read as soon as you can get your hands on them. They will definitely change your life. Duty calls (homework)...how dreadful ): May God use you in ways you never expected and bless you beyond what you could have ever imagined. (: