Monday, January 17, 2005

So much has happened since I last wrote here, even if I wrote it all out in detail I could not describe what has happened in my heart. Just that very idea reminds me of something I read in "Blue Like Jazz" by Donald Miller. Don's friend is talking to him about his wife and how he can't tell her everything, not because he won't but because it's impossible for him to voice everything he feels to her. He was saying how it showed him that his relationship with his wife is so wonderful but it will never be complete. Something was still missing. He said this all just made him realize that his relationship with Christ was the complete relationship that his soul longed for. All this started to make sense to me as I read it. I was thinking about relationships a lot and remembered Ravi Zacharias talking about how there is meaning in life and that relationships are a clue to this meaning. Ravi talks about how while embracing his young toddler who runs to him after he comes home from a trip, he learns more about life in that moment than from any amount of books he may have read. This made a lot of sense to me and made me look at my relationship with God, Christ, and the Holy Spirit in a different way. This relationship is to the extreme in every facet. If our relationships with each other hold mysterious qualities, how much more mysterious should our relationship be with God? How much less should we understand this relationship and by faith, simply give our whole being as a sacrifice for the other in love. This helped me break the mold of how I had been looking at God from my shrunken pitiful perception. God can't be contained by any allegories, anectodes, examples, or thoughts we can come up with. We always hear people say this very thing but ironically keep doing it out of habit. It feels so good to let go of this and not think of Godas one who does this but certainly doesn't do that...sure, I guess He could do that, He's capable of anything...but He just doesn't. It's so easy to create a God I can just become comfortable with and the more I get to know God for who He really is, the more I realize that I will only get more uncomfortable with who God is. It's like that person you know you love and you know they love you but you still find yourselves surrpised by them and nervous around them in certain situations. I don't know...maybe you understand. I hope you do. Maybe you think you understand God. I hope you don't. I don't know if I will ever understand God and I don't know if I ever want to. I just want to be who He made me and be in the most mysterious relationship ever possible.
I like to hear stories about God where I have this reaction of, "I can't believe God did that?" I can't believe God had Abraham take Isaac up to the mountain to be sacrificed. To be honest, it always seemed kind of messed up to me. How could Hosea marry a prostitute? How could he turn my brother into a Jesus Freak? How could He allow me to pray to Him in tongues and then give me proof that it was real? The questions go on an on and I become more and more amazed. For someone like me with what many people call ADD, this God of Heaven is like a dream come true. The moment we can understand and fathom eternity is the moment we can be comfortable with God. I used to always wonder how people could ever stay passionate about God day after day, to read the Bible and to actually be renewed and refreshed daily. The answer I always got from people was that you just had to be disciplined and to an extent I understand that discipline is part of being a Christian and can serve as an expression of love. What really answered these questions for me though was that honestly, no one could stay passionate for long about God in the way I looked at Him. I think if we be honest with ourselves, we will all recognize our shortcoming in this area. We limit our passion when we limit our way of looking at God. The more I learn to see God for who He is, the less I doubt when I pray, the less I press my own agenda in everything I do. I feel like so many times I get so pumped about doing things for God I don't leave much for room for God to do anything in my life. God is the planner, God is the judge, God is Giver of all gifts. The less I try to plan, try to judge others, try to give my worthless gifts, the more I am free as a vessel of love who accepts every single person without discretion as worthy of my love. Before I know it, I actually feel like I am living for something. Yes I am confronted with fear, being unsure, but what opportunities to step out in faith and let an infinite God completely blow my mind. I find myself doing completely foolish and crazy things that make less and less sense to me but what greater proof to my heart of God's love when I see a friend break into tears or hear someone talk passionately about what God is doing in their life. My brother and his wife bought me a cd from this church down in Florida where supposedly angels have joined in the singing. May sound a little whacked out I know, but I found myself listening with curiosity and I tried to keep an open heart. Next thing I know, I am on the verge of tears listening to this music that barely has any words. I don't understand it at all. I can't really describe it to you. I guess that's that theme of this whole entry is that I can't describe it to you. I would just give you this advice. Don't try to think of God as bigger... just stop thinking. It's pretty scary I know. He gave me this image in my mind where I am in this open field before a thunderstorm. The wind is threatening and the rain is beginning to mist all around. Above me with a sky of gray clouds that, as I lie on my back, just completely overwhelms me. Pretty soon the rain drops are flooding my eyes so much that I just have to close them. I imagine just being swallowed by this great gray sky as it stretches out infinitely. I cringe with my teeth clamped tightly at the thunder and lightning but a smile breaks out on my face as my body starts shaking. This vision helps me understand God as someone who I can never wrap my mind around so I just let His presence swallow me. Let God's presence swallow you. Pursue His presence with passion. Love Him with your whole being. Step out in faith. Be a fool. It's the wisest thing you'll ever do. "[God] is pretty much the best thing that ever happened to me..I'm like a hundred percent positive [He's] my soulmate." Peace out.