Wales: What a wonder! to be living...

I had never been to Wales before. There is a subtle beauty there that you wouldn't see at first. The weather is mostly rainy and the people seem normal enough. I think what I loved was that I wasn't overwhelmed by it. It wasn't a culture trying to be attractive to tourists or anything like that. Things seem pretty slow-paced and I didn't feel rushed along. I could just relax and enjoy things.
I was really excited because I was able to meet up with my friend Peter who's working with a church over there. He met Matt and I at the train station and spent the day with us. I wanted to go to the park of course which blew me away. The trees were spectacular and looked like they had been there for hundreds of years. The picture above is of Peter and I at the park. I couldn't just look at the trees of course and so I shimmied my way onto this branch even though it was a little wet.
I don't know how they come up with names for pubs over there and I never seem to know what they mean half the time. I guess I should just ask the people who work there if they even know. Here is me and Matt in front of one.
That night we decided we wanted to see some live music so Peter, Matt and I went to this pub called O'Neill's and I was so surprised by the music. There were three guys around my age who each played their own set of music on the guitar. It was all their own songs and it was anything but mediocre. The first guy, Gethin John, really resonated with me the most. He sang songs about nature and memories and sunrises, stuff like that. He was some very poetic lines like, "All my todays are like my yesterdays of untouchable tomorrows." Here is a not-so-good picture of Gethin playing.
I went and talked to him for a bit when he went outside for a cigarette. He said he grew up in Western Wales looking out on the Irish Sea and said he loves being out in nature. I had heard that the Welsh people were gifted in music and poetry but I didn't expect to be totally blown away. It was cool. There was a crazy old couple who danced together at times, were really playful with each other, and were always getting into the music. It was fun to watch. Then there was the couple next to us making out in the corner who we tried to ignore. Luckily, the old guy dancing made fun of them and they left.

Matt and I got coffee and a muffin the next morning. Here was my muffin and out the window you can see O'Neill's where we ate and saw music the night before. Your first morning in another country always tends to be beautiful.

Part of a poem by Welsh poet Ann Griffiths (1776-1805):

What a wonder! to be living,
once to furnace flames consigned;
greater wonder, after testing,
centred here, like gold refined;
time of bleaching, day of sifting,
yet so calm, without distress,
for the one who sifts the harvest,
is himself my hiding place.

Beyond Love

"We want to delude ourselves that of the problem of our emptiness, love is at the root. I want to say to you, it isn't. Love is only the branches. The root goes beyond love. A naked kind of isolation. An isolated me that does not meet and mingle and never can. It is true what I say. There is a beyond in me which goes further than love, beyond the scope of the stars. Just as some stars are beyond the scope of our vision, so our own search goes beyond the scope of love. At least, I think that it is at the root, going beyond love itself."
D.H. Lawrence

I'm so forgetful so I write reminders on my hand sometimes. After reading a chapter in Ravi Zacharias' book, Cries of the Heart, I wrote "beyond love" on my hand to remind me that worshipping God is what my heart truly longs for and love is something that is brought to life from within worship and then overflows out of worship. It's so easy in our culture to be caught up falling in love with love. There's so many movies, books, magazines and tv shows that, as Ravi Zacharias puts it, are "planting in young minds cravings that no human experience could match or placate." And so I've been realizing ways I've been affected by this and have been asking God to plant within me new cravings that are from Him. There's something beyond love that my heart needs and God has started showing me things.

Like this morning, when I went outside, I was so overwhelmed. The air was fresh, the wind brisk and chilly, the sky clear. It was one of those mornings where you expect to have a little sniffle and you want to drink something warm. To the north, the mountainous coastline of Spain rose above the water. No, there wasn't any rain since the rain in Spain stays mainly on the plain...
The mountains were so quiet and still though. It was as if they knew that by humbly being who they are it would be enough to beckon me to them. To the east, the sun had risen and mixed with clouds just over the horizon, its' light making a path of glistening blue and white. All this beauty. All of it beckoning me. I felt like the bow of a violin was playing lightly over the strings of my heart, making me want to sing.

It made me think how there really is something beyond love in all this. I mean, yes, there is so much love here but there's also music and grandness and thankfulness and a longing to give myself wholly to the one who created me. Love is so amazing but it's nothing when it's separated from God. I guess that's what I'm trying to say. Love comes to life more gloriously than we could ever imagine when it's done out of worship. Only it doesn't always look or feel so glorious. Jesus showed the greatest love by giving his life for his disciples and the whole world but it didn't really look like love to them or anyone else who saw Him. It probably looked really foolish or confusing at the time. Jesus was going beyond love though. He chose to worship His Father above everything, laying down his life and saying not my will, but your will. And his worship allowed his love to bring life to so many others for eternity.

"There is a beyond in me that goes further than love, beyond the scope of the stars."

I smile because I know what is beyond the stars. I know Him and am found in Him. I have nothing but He breathes His breath into me, giving me a new heart and bringing me life as I worship Him.

My Heart Set Sail Today

I stare at the ocean sometimes and dream about being on a sailboat out here. Life would be so much different on a sailboat. I would feel so much more apart of the ocean. I would see it, feel it, listen to it, and smell it all day. As it is, I enjoy brief moments with the ocean. I wrote a little poem as I was dreaming about being on a sailboat.

My heart set sail today.
I said goodbye but my voice got lost in the wind.

No longer tied to the shore
but still treasuring its' touch.
Now I float, my sailboat buoyed by fathoms
of deep blue mystery.
Is His love really like an ocean, I wonder?
Like an ocean how? In depth? In beauty?

I lay on my back and smile, feet in the water,
staring at the sky, feeling the wind, listening to the waves,
imagining Him wrapped around me,
holding me like the ocean holds my sailboat.

The wind blows harder and my heart stirs.
The waves seem to shiver as the first raindrops fall.
A storm.

I wonder if His love is like a storm too,
shaking me to the depths of my being,
teaching me to trust,
teaching me to see the ocean with new eyes.
Sometimes I'm afraid the ocean will swallow me
and I'll disappear,
but then I'll only be taken deeper.

Like Flowers Before Thee

Joyful, Joyful, we adore Thee
God of glory, Lord of love.
Hearts unfold like flowers before Thee
Opening to the Sun above.

I chose the picture above because the flowers haven't blossomed yet. I like to imagine them unfolding. For me it's so much better that way than actually having a picture of flowers.

I was sitting on watch today in my morning fog and heard the girl next to me singing this verse from Joyful, Joyful to herself. She wasn't singing it really fast but really slow which is how I like it. I felt my heart open all of the sudden and I started singing it to myself. I love that image of hearts unfolding like flowers before God and Him shining down on them with these unimaginably beautiful rays of sunlight. I sang to myself for an hour or so, letting my heart soak in the words. I find my heart needs this sometimes when it's distracted or calloused. Often, I'll just focus on one or two lines until they come to life in my heart, like the last line of the verse...

Giver of immortal gladness
Fill us with the light of day.

As someone who feels melancholy a lot of the time, it's refreshing to imagine immortal gladness filling my heart like light. All the other lights go out. His is always left shining.

I guess what I'm really trying to say is that I'm thankful for mornings when the Spirit comes like a breeze on the porch, making the wind chimes softly play out the tune to some hymn. And my heart is like those flowers in the picture above until His Spirit comes. Then a miracle happens and they unfold and I start singing.

Papa, I Love You

I call God, Papa, sometimes since I read The Shack. I think I do it because it helps my heart understand who God is for me and how much He loves me. My heart has changed since I started doing it and sometimes my heart shudders a little when I do because that is a very tender part of the my heart, the part that longs for a Father. I was leaving my room today after a somewhat tiring and confusing day and as I opened the door, I stopped. Papa, I love you. As if to say that none of this stuff mattered in light of Him. I hadn't said those words in a while and my heart shuddered at the thought of God's love. I couldn't help but smile. He's such a wonderful Father and to think that I get to spend forever with Him...

The Lilies of the Field

"See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tommorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith."

When I see pictures like the one above I often think of Jesus' reminder to us about how he provides for us like the flowers of the field. And it's not just this glib, "Yeah, I'll provide for you." No, he gives us this beautiful image as if to say, "Not only will I provide for you, but I will provide beautifully for you beyond what you could ever imagine." It reminded me of how the Lord's promises are gifts to us. Some promises, people keep almost begrudgingly because they have to but Jesus keeps His promises out of love and because He delights to.

For example, take His promise not to worry about tomorrow. I didn't realize how wonderful that promise was until it dawned on me how much joy on a given day is lost by this incessant worrying. I waste so much time worrying about the future, always wondering whether or not things are going to turn out how I dream they will. My stubbornness in worrying about the future can sometimes become like this sad image of me holding on to my own dreams while God keeps trying to fill me His own wonderful dreams which are so much better. I am learning to just close my eyes, take a deep breath, place my own dreams on the ground, and say, "Lord, I know your dreams are better. I want your dreams to be mine."

And in this I am being changed as I see what a glorious gift is given to me in Jesus' image of the flowers in the field. God not only clothes them, but he clothes them beautifully. And the flowers don't worry about tomorrow. Instead they display God's beauty by just being who they are. God's promise about tomorrow is such a gift because it sets me free to enjoy what He has for me today without freaking out about tomorrow. I am starting to see that my tendency to dream about the possibilities that tommorrow may bring wasn't a mistake in the way God made me. No, it was a gift. I use that gift wrongly in worrying but He gave it to me so that I could see, dream, and look forward to His coming faithfulness. He is the only one who holds tommorrow. He is the Sun that will rise once more and shine His light in the midst of every circumstance that may come.

I'm Yours

I got this DVD called The Open Table because I thought it looked interesting and also thought my roommate might like it as he is searching for God. It has five 10-minute videos of people being interviewed about their faith in Jesus. What makes it so interesting is the wide range of people being interviewed at what appears to be their homes or some special place of choice. Some of the people are really chill and appear to have smoked a few before they got saved, others are more thoughtfully organized, and some are just a little mushy gushy. But ALL of them are so encouraging to listen to as they talk about how God worked in their hearts to bring them to Himself.

I was touched in the simplest of ways by what this older guy said. He didn't appear to be a very emotional type of person but for some reason it's those people that touch me the most when they do get emotional, especially when it's about how God broke into their hearts. This particular guy said there was a point after a while where he just broke down and told God, "I'm yours. I don't know what you have in store for me but I'm yours." Oh my gosh, those words were left hanging in the air as I lay in bed that night. I had said that to God so many times before but it had been so long since I had really said it from my heart.

It's such a simple statement but I think when I slip gradually back into trying to run my own life, it becomes something I forget to acknowledge and tell him. I'm realizing that this is probably something I need to say every day. My heart often needs to be reminded where it really belongs. It's how I started this crazy but wonderful relationship with my Maker and it's how I want to continue it every day. And I can't wait to finally say it in heaven for the first time when I will actually feel the fullness of being completely His forever.
And so I told God that night for the first time in a while...

I'm yours. Everything. I don't know what the future holds but I'm yours.