A Star-Filled Sky

Loneliness. Despair. Restlessness.

These are my initial feelings at being out to sea. I was about to go crazy sitting in my stateroom and so I put my headphones on and rocked out dancing around to O God Our Help In Ages Past. Ha, it helped a little bit:)
What really pierced through my heart though was when I went outside for fifteen minutes before the Ops brief. I knew the Christmas party for my church care group was going on while I was out there but all I could think was that if I was there I would be missing this beautiful sight.

So many stars, the sound of the ocean, and water as far as the eye can see.

These were the same stars that Abraham gazed at probably through tear-filled eyes as God foretold the number of his descendants. He was probably also acutely mindful of his old lady of a wife Sarah probably lay sleeping nearby. These were the same stars I had gazed at countless times before in my life. So many Spirit-filled times around the campfire at White Sulphur Springs. The sweet smell of the forest and the cool mountain air refreshing my senses. Wonderful people surrounded me, all singing to the same magnificent God, his Spirit filling everyone with breath. How brightly the stars did shine then!

So I sat curled up, staring at the stars that night and felt God telling me, Behold the number and brilliance of these stars; so are my promises for you. Did you not know they were here? I swallowed hard at this and tears pushed at my eyes. So many stars, so many promises that shine out. How rarely do I retreat from my life to meditate on them and gain strength from them? Tonight though they came alive for me finally and through tear-filled eyes I sang the only words that came to my heart.

O Lord
You're beautiful
Your face is all I seek
And when your eyes
Are on this child
Your grace abounds
To me

In that moment I was enfolded as the beloved of God.

Falling In Love

So many things are coming together in my mind. I read the first chapter of a book called A Severe Mercy by Sheldon Vanauken. I can already tell that this book is going to have a profound effect on me at this point in my life. The author falls in love with a girl that he goes to university with and through their encounters with C.S. Lewis, they becomes Christians, though not without much intellectual scrutiny. I haven't read that far but supposedly he becomes jealous when he finds out she is caught up in love with someone else. That someone else is God. My jaw drops at this. What a beautiful occurence and one full of joy and sorrow as she dies two years after their marriage and he is forced to search out his own love for God.
I have been reminded more recently of the importance of viewing my interaction with God as falling in love, filled with both the joys and sorrows of love. Community has been a markedly beautiful gift in my life recently and through it I have been confronted with whom I am seeking most to fall in love with. I have met so many people with beautiful hearts during this time and would be lying to say that I haven't been neglecting the most beautiful of hearts, the heart of God. I have been spending much of my thoughts pondering on who among the girls I know could be my future wife. I am somewhat ashamed to admit this because this is not the view of myself that I portray to others. I will also say that I feel an invigorating joy at leaving these thoughts by the wayside and consuming my thoughts with God. Something snapped when I read that first chapter of A Severe Mercy and I realized with weight, the foolishness of me even doubting for one second God's promise to provide me with a companion in his time.
I have been listening to the song How To Save A Life over and over as I write this journal. Somehow it fits with what I'm feeling right now. I think it is the aspect of having wasted opportunities that you wish you could have back. Yes, I am forgiven and God gives me new mercy after I waste so many thoughts on other things but I cannot merely shrug these wasted times from my memory so casually. I cannot help but think how these wasted opportunities translate into my heart being numb to the greatest love and greatest beauty that sit right in front of me. It's like when a person is talking to you intently and you are secretly looking around the room for another person whose attention you would like to have more. This reflects my actions with God. How foolish!
And so I accept God's forgiveness now, but not without tears as I see my sin for what it is. As God so intently looks into my eyes right down to my heart, may I with tear-filled eyes look intently back at him with an eagerness to begin running as hard as I can towards his heart.

A Return To Community

I once read a great book on community called The Kingdom of Couches. I was reminded of the book as I was staying up late talking with Wes and Steve last weekend. Steve was talking about just struggles he was having with feeling out of place at the church and I mean, I had stuff in my head that I could have said but for some reason I had this feeling that these words would be of no real help to him. So I prayed that God would give me what He had to say and what came to mind eventually was community. And so I began to examine our community of singles at the church and just how we hang out. We are really good at hanging out but what's missing is a spiritual depth as a group. I am truly amazed at the spiritual depth of singles in our church but it doesn't seem like we go deep together. I wonder how necessary this is because I know that many would respond to this by pointing out that they have a couple special people that they feel comfortable sharing their lives with. Surely that is necessary as well but something inside me feels that during our hang-out time there should be almost a tangible eagerness to engage each other spiritually and care for each other. And so I must pray on the matter and prepare myself to be amazed at what God is going to do.

Wednesday night, the guys in our care group got together and talked about pornography and lust. I'm always amazed to hear people talk about their struggles who I would have never expected. It's amazing what we can keep hidden from others. As I considered my own struggle since I turned that wonderful age of 12 or so, I realized that my only victory over pornography and lust came through community. In community you are reminded of the beauty of others. Something so impersonal as pornography then becomes sickening having tasted something so personal as community with others.

Community becomes an idol for me though when I begin pursuing community instead of pursuing Christ through community. I have been experiencing this recently and it has required some adjusting in how I experience God's gift of community. As John Piper pointed out to me, our tendency is so often to worship God's gifts instead of God himself. Rather, God's gifts are meant to be the wings that carry us to God. This is definitely evident with community. Community as a gift provides a place where we can build up our faith, practice our gifts, and hear from God so that we are then able to reach out into the world and ultimately point ourselves and others to Christ. Community allows us to come out of hiding so that our exposed hearts can be both seen for what they are and then healed. Then we can respond by hiding in Christ as a body.

This Man

Would you take the place of this man?
Would you take the nails from his hands?

Ha, I was confused by this song as I was listening to it. I really like the tune and so I would be singing along really loud but I felt silly since I didn't really understand it. I did some pondering though and when it hit me I was like, wow.

Why would we want to take the place of Jesus?
And why on earth would we try to pull the nails from his hands while he hangs crucified for us?
It seems silly.

And it is, in a very serious way though. When I try to accomplish my own work to save myself or appear righteous before God, this is what I'm effectively doing. Out of pride, I'm trying to to take out the nails of Christ's finished work.
I like how Keith phrased it last Sunday when he said that we try to smuggle our works into God's grace. I guess this is what God is trying to show me so that my identity will be more secure in Christ. To try to take Christ's place is an ugly thing and it is something I've been guilty of a lot recently.

Lord, do you work in me that I may rest secure in you.

Long Embraces

One of my roommates got back from being out at sea for a few weeks this past Thursday. He seemed very at peace being back which was nice to see. He surprised me later that night by coming into my room and giving me a hug. When people give me hugs, usually I'm just thinking about when the hug is going to end. My friend, Monte, is notorious for long hugs and I think my time spent with him prepared me for this particular moment when God taught me something. At first, when Eric first hugged me, I was like, "Okay, love you bro...", but then he just kept on hugging me. Something snapped inside me and I began to think about how much I loved Eric and I began hugging him back. I know it might be considered weird to write in such detail about hugging another guy but this is important. The song, 'Child Of God', in the previous post, has a line that says, "Your arms enfold me, 'til I am only a child of God." This reveals that such long embraces are so crucial in forming our identity and having it completely in Christ.
I need more long embraces with my friends but more importantly, I need more long embraces with God. Prayer can be viewed as an embrace with God. The feeling is the same when I pray. Like when I hug someone, I am tempted to pull away after a few moments of prayer rather than forcing myself to deeply linger with God. An embrace is a such a sweet an meaningful thing. I wonder that I should hesitate to share them with my Savior.

Child Of God

With every breath, with every thought
From what is seen to the deepest part
I offer all that I've come to be
To know your love fathering me

Father, you're all I need!
My soul's sufficiency
My strength when I am weak
The love that carries me
Your arms enfold me, 'til I am only
A child of God

WIth every step on this journey's walk
And wisdom's songs that the soul has sought
I give myself unreservedly
To know your love fathering me

Loving

A profound quote from 'The Wedding' by Nicholas Sparks,

But love, I've come to understand, is more than three words mumbled before bedtime. Love is sustained by action, a pattern of devotion in the things we do for each other every day.

*Sigh...

How true. Love is sustained by action.

I find that indeed I can have all the good intentions and think all the loving thoughts in the world but if I do not act consistently and purposefully, then love will not be sustained. I can apply this to my friendships, to my family, to my future marriage, and most of all to my relationship with God. As I live out my relationship with God in love, I must be sure to sustain my love with action. I want my love for God to increase and this is impossible without acts of love even and especially when I'm less likely to feel inclined. Jesus could have told God that he loved us all he wanted when he was praying in the garden before being crucified. If Jesus didn't submit his will to God though and take action despite his feelings, then Jesus' love for us never would have been fulfilled. I was pleasantly surprised to read something so profound and true from Nicholas Sparks. I need only think on times that I have failed and succeeded at loving someone. Yes, truly love is fulfilled and sustained by action.