Revive once more my beloved blog...
Happily sitting in the Elmwood Avenue Starbucks and looking forward to my time in Buffalo. This is probably one of my favorite Starbucks. Some homeless guys hang out here; just talk to one of them for a spell. He saw my Bible and wanted me to pray that he finds a job. He seems as if he has a few screws loose in his head but then again, so do I. His name is Wayne. Pray for Wayne. Pray that he would find a job AND that God might tighten a few of his screws...
It’s nice to imagine what might be in store here and all the possibilities. I feel like I start this new season of my life with a more keen perspective on how my life should be lived and the people I should surround myself with. I am excited to grow in my faith and in my love for God. All of this brings thoughts to my mind and those thoughts are not without fear. I AM afraid of certain things. One of my biggest fears is that my life is meaningless. I know this isn’t true of my whole life but it’s easy for me to doubt in the day-to-day that life on a particular day is meaningless, that the things I am doing aren’t making a difference. I was reminded lately that how far this really is from being the truth; quite the opposite, in fact. You see, the seeds I show every day bear fruit and that fruit yields more seeds which yield more fruit, and so on all the way into eternity.
…Into eternity…
Did you catch that word? Eternity. Every day is filled with eternity. Read that again. SO HOW ON EARTH COULD LIFE BE MEANINGLESS? HOW ON EARTH COULD A DAY BE MEANINGLESS IF EVERY SINGLE DAY IS FILLED WITH ETERNITY? It’s impossible. It’s insane. It makes absolute zero sense.
SO. Every day is full of meaning. And it IS that way because God MADE it that way. He jammed every single day plum-full of meaning, so much so that we are literally SWIMMING in it whether we realize it or not.
I guess that’s the point of this post and a fitting thought to carry with me as I enter into my days in Buffalo. Let me swim and swim and SWIM in plum-full days...through trials and joys and the mixture of the two...swimming into eternity. Every day is filled. FILLED.
Tuesday, August 03, 2010
Wednesday, June 09, 2010
Sowing To The Flesh: Its' Effects
“Do not be deceived: God is not mocked for whatever one sows, that will he also reap. For the one who sows to his own flesh will from the flesh reap corruption but the one who sows to the Spirit will from the Spirit reap eternal life.” Galatians 6:7-8
I’m tired of being deceived. And I know the reason that Paul says not to be deceived is because he KNOWS how deceptive sowing to our flesh really is. It FEELS good and even when we hesitate, often the FEELING is enough to cause us to come up with any excuse to maintain it. Anyone who’s been addicted to anything, even something like coffee, knows how this works when you try to quit. Anyone who has been in a fight with someone they love knows that you stop caring about the relationship and begin caring more about being right and FEELING valued. When our flesh craves a FEELING, we in turn sow to it to keep that feeling alive. Paul says such sowing to the flesh, although it is natural because we love the feeling of it, leads to a harvest of CORRUPTION. I heard a guy say recently, “If you don’t like what you getting in life, then take a look at what you are sowing into it!! Do you have a relationship that’s messed up? Take a look at what you are sowing into it. Do you struggle with loving God’s Word? What are you sowing in to it? Do you struggle in sharing the Gospel? How are you sowing? It’s just a principle that will never change. You will reap a harvest depending on what you sow.”
A few weeks ago I started having all these doubts about God. I KNEW there were things I needed to repent of in my life but I didn’t care. I didn’t want to let go of them. I began wondering why I was having all these doubts and struggling with repentance/giving everything to God. Then I remembered what the guy had said about how if you don’t like what you’re getting in your life, take a look at what you’re sowing. The doubts I was having seemed like valid points at the time especially from the perspective of worldly wisdom. So I told myself, “Patrick, you may not understand everything right and you may have doubts and you may struggle repenting, but you ARE going to stop sowing foolishly! You’re going to sow to the Spirit and stop sowing to the flesh and then wait and see what happens to your harvest.” AMAZINGLY ENOUGH, I began reaping a harvest FROM THE SPIRIT just like the Word says. Now I realize that the doubts I was having may be things I never fully understand the answers to but such doubts can only be silenced BY THE SPIRIT. The power I needed to silence my doubts and give me the desire and power to repent could only come from the Spirit (never from me) and it wasn’t until I started sowing TO the Spirit that I began reaping a harvest FROM the Spirit. My heart began growing in TRUSTING God and DESIRE for repentance and restoration with Him. I found out it’s actually true! You actually do reap what you sow! My sowing to the flesh can be easily described by just living for ME, MY OWN PLANS, MY OWN DESIRES, MAINTAINING MY OWN COMFORTABLE LIFE. It doesn’t have to be something we view as serious like drugs or sex. It’s always a matter of the heart. Was my heart desiring my own comfort most or was it desiring God no matter what? It was desiring my own comfort and carrying out my own plans. It began corrupting me and my life began to be filled with doubts and I found myself not trusting God at all.
I remember well the feeling of not wanting to repent. It’s SO scary to be in that place and I don’t want to be there again. I felt my heart being hardened and it wasn’t until the harvest from the Spirit came, that I had the power/desire to repent. If any of us has doubts, we have to realize that these can only be answered by the Spirit and we have to willing to exercise FAITH by just plain SOWING SEEDS to the Spirit! Then we can wait and see what HARVEST we will reap and our faith will end up growing!
This harvest from the Spirit is grace and what I'm learning is that GRACE is like a precious cloak and it’s not meant to be WALKED ON like it’s nothing. When I sow to flesh in a cavalier manner, I'm just walking on the cloak of grace like it’s just cheap doormat. The cloak of grace is meant to put on daily with fear and trembling because of HOW PRECIOUS IT IS! I haven’t been wearing grace like this. When I trample on grace – when I know a certain sowing to flesh is wrong but I don’t care and do it anyway – I GRIEVE the Spirit and my heart begins being hardened.
BUT. If I sow the Spirit, I WILL reap a harvest that is LASTING! ETERNAL LIFE will come alive in my heart and in time will be birthed a desire for God that cannot come from anywhere except FROM THE SPIRIT. This is a PRECIOUS GRACE.
I’m tired of being deceived. And I know the reason that Paul says not to be deceived is because he KNOWS how deceptive sowing to our flesh really is. It FEELS good and even when we hesitate, often the FEELING is enough to cause us to come up with any excuse to maintain it. Anyone who’s been addicted to anything, even something like coffee, knows how this works when you try to quit. Anyone who has been in a fight with someone they love knows that you stop caring about the relationship and begin caring more about being right and FEELING valued. When our flesh craves a FEELING, we in turn sow to it to keep that feeling alive. Paul says such sowing to the flesh, although it is natural because we love the feeling of it, leads to a harvest of CORRUPTION. I heard a guy say recently, “If you don’t like what you getting in life, then take a look at what you are sowing into it!! Do you have a relationship that’s messed up? Take a look at what you are sowing into it. Do you struggle with loving God’s Word? What are you sowing in to it? Do you struggle in sharing the Gospel? How are you sowing? It’s just a principle that will never change. You will reap a harvest depending on what you sow.”
A few weeks ago I started having all these doubts about God. I KNEW there were things I needed to repent of in my life but I didn’t care. I didn’t want to let go of them. I began wondering why I was having all these doubts and struggling with repentance/giving everything to God. Then I remembered what the guy had said about how if you don’t like what you’re getting in your life, take a look at what you’re sowing. The doubts I was having seemed like valid points at the time especially from the perspective of worldly wisdom. So I told myself, “Patrick, you may not understand everything right and you may have doubts and you may struggle repenting, but you ARE going to stop sowing foolishly! You’re going to sow to the Spirit and stop sowing to the flesh and then wait and see what happens to your harvest.” AMAZINGLY ENOUGH, I began reaping a harvest FROM THE SPIRIT just like the Word says. Now I realize that the doubts I was having may be things I never fully understand the answers to but such doubts can only be silenced BY THE SPIRIT. The power I needed to silence my doubts and give me the desire and power to repent could only come from the Spirit (never from me) and it wasn’t until I started sowing TO the Spirit that I began reaping a harvest FROM the Spirit. My heart began growing in TRUSTING God and DESIRE for repentance and restoration with Him. I found out it’s actually true! You actually do reap what you sow! My sowing to the flesh can be easily described by just living for ME, MY OWN PLANS, MY OWN DESIRES, MAINTAINING MY OWN COMFORTABLE LIFE. It doesn’t have to be something we view as serious like drugs or sex. It’s always a matter of the heart. Was my heart desiring my own comfort most or was it desiring God no matter what? It was desiring my own comfort and carrying out my own plans. It began corrupting me and my life began to be filled with doubts and I found myself not trusting God at all.
I remember well the feeling of not wanting to repent. It’s SO scary to be in that place and I don’t want to be there again. I felt my heart being hardened and it wasn’t until the harvest from the Spirit came, that I had the power/desire to repent. If any of us has doubts, we have to realize that these can only be answered by the Spirit and we have to willing to exercise FAITH by just plain SOWING SEEDS to the Spirit! Then we can wait and see what HARVEST we will reap and our faith will end up growing!
This harvest from the Spirit is grace and what I'm learning is that GRACE is like a precious cloak and it’s not meant to be WALKED ON like it’s nothing. When I sow to flesh in a cavalier manner, I'm just walking on the cloak of grace like it’s just cheap doormat. The cloak of grace is meant to put on daily with fear and trembling because of HOW PRECIOUS IT IS! I haven’t been wearing grace like this. When I trample on grace – when I know a certain sowing to flesh is wrong but I don’t care and do it anyway – I GRIEVE the Spirit and my heart begins being hardened.
BUT. If I sow the Spirit, I WILL reap a harvest that is LASTING! ETERNAL LIFE will come alive in my heart and in time will be birthed a desire for God that cannot come from anywhere except FROM THE SPIRIT. This is a PRECIOUS GRACE.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Where Is Your Context?
You are part of a story. And just their are characters in the stories you read, you are character in a story. Characters have gifts and weaknesses but think about it - do these gifts and weaknesses ever come to light unless the characters face struggles and come into contact with other people? Those are the kind of stories that no one reads. The best stories have the most meaningful interactions and take place within this context of something. The best stories involve pain and at the end, you look back on the four hundred pages you just read with tears in your eyes because you're standing on the other shoreline now and looking back at all the characters went through to get where they are now. And if this is true with the books we read - if it's what makes them meaningful, is it any less so with your life? Think of the word context. Characters don't shine brightly or flicker or crumble unless they are within context. You never really see any type of gifts come to life in a character who sits on the couch all day and plays video games or in the person who just gets by in life and saves up for his retirement. Couches and video games and comfortable lives are weak contexts.
So where is your context now? I have been asking myself this lately. There were gifts that came to life within me at certain times in my life like when I went through the Naval Academy and became a leader for one of the campus ministries and when I moved to Virginia Beach and became a part of a church. My gifts of mercy and giving and encouragement rose up within me without me even asking for them. It was because I had placed myself in a strong context. Without that context, my gifts lay dormant. Perhaps you're wondering what gifts God has for you and you've even prayed about it. Where is your context? I can guarantee when you place yourself in a strong context your gifts will come to life and you won't even have to pray really hard for them or jump through any other spiritual hoops. I'm not saying not to pray really hard but maybe it's kind of silly for us to pray really hard for gifts when we're not even in a context where we can use those gifts.
Where is my context? Take a quick look at when my last post was before this. Months ago. I'll be honest - I have been out of context. I'm starting to see that one of the Enemy's biggest strategies is to take me out of context. He doesn't want me involved in church. He doesn't want me going to men's Bible study or serving or doing outreach with others. He knows that without context, I'll be a weak character in this Story that is taking place. A lot of Christians buy into this idea that they can be Christians on their own and not be part of a church. Where is their context? Christians are meant to be people who take action with the gifts God has given them but how are they going to do this when they have taken themselves out of context? I remember Pastor Mark Driscoll saying that 80% of being a man is just showing up. That thought has kept me showing up for things for a while simply for the reason that I felt my manhood was at stake! But really, isn't Driscoll just saying that 80% of being a man is putting yourself in context? It makes sense.
All of us have gifts. We love watching movies because we get to see peoples' gifts in action, facing conflict and overcoming and falling in love and losing friends but still moving on. We watch these movies and our hearts are stirred and we laugh and we cry. Maybe all of this is because we are meant to live out our own story and use our gifts, face our demons, and persevere through overwhelming odds to take hold of the prize. We all want to stand on the other shore and look back at our lives and have tears fill our eyes because of the story we have lived. Where is your context right now? If you're sitting on the bench, God is ready to put you in the game. It's not going to be easy but you'll be part of something beautiful. There is a context waiting for you. God has placed them all around us. Join a church, go on a missions trip, start a book club or a Bible study. Show up to these things even when you don't feel like it. Don't let yourself fall out of context. Keep yourself in the story. Your gifts will come to life and maybe you'll even start learning that your gifts and your story are really more about loving others and loving your Creator than you had thought. And for all the joy that is found there, I think you'll be okay with that.
So where is your context now? I have been asking myself this lately. There were gifts that came to life within me at certain times in my life like when I went through the Naval Academy and became a leader for one of the campus ministries and when I moved to Virginia Beach and became a part of a church. My gifts of mercy and giving and encouragement rose up within me without me even asking for them. It was because I had placed myself in a strong context. Without that context, my gifts lay dormant. Perhaps you're wondering what gifts God has for you and you've even prayed about it. Where is your context? I can guarantee when you place yourself in a strong context your gifts will come to life and you won't even have to pray really hard for them or jump through any other spiritual hoops. I'm not saying not to pray really hard but maybe it's kind of silly for us to pray really hard for gifts when we're not even in a context where we can use those gifts.
Where is my context? Take a quick look at when my last post was before this. Months ago. I'll be honest - I have been out of context. I'm starting to see that one of the Enemy's biggest strategies is to take me out of context. He doesn't want me involved in church. He doesn't want me going to men's Bible study or serving or doing outreach with others. He knows that without context, I'll be a weak character in this Story that is taking place. A lot of Christians buy into this idea that they can be Christians on their own and not be part of a church. Where is their context? Christians are meant to be people who take action with the gifts God has given them but how are they going to do this when they have taken themselves out of context? I remember Pastor Mark Driscoll saying that 80% of being a man is just showing up. That thought has kept me showing up for things for a while simply for the reason that I felt my manhood was at stake! But really, isn't Driscoll just saying that 80% of being a man is putting yourself in context? It makes sense.
All of us have gifts. We love watching movies because we get to see peoples' gifts in action, facing conflict and overcoming and falling in love and losing friends but still moving on. We watch these movies and our hearts are stirred and we laugh and we cry. Maybe all of this is because we are meant to live out our own story and use our gifts, face our demons, and persevere through overwhelming odds to take hold of the prize. We all want to stand on the other shore and look back at our lives and have tears fill our eyes because of the story we have lived. Where is your context right now? If you're sitting on the bench, God is ready to put you in the game. It's not going to be easy but you'll be part of something beautiful. There is a context waiting for you. God has placed them all around us. Join a church, go on a missions trip, start a book club or a Bible study. Show up to these things even when you don't feel like it. Don't let yourself fall out of context. Keep yourself in the story. Your gifts will come to life and maybe you'll even start learning that your gifts and your story are really more about loving others and loving your Creator than you had thought. And for all the joy that is found there, I think you'll be okay with that.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Do Not Wait - The Time Is Now
A note to encourage myself to actually apply today and to pursue God with all I am today. I always wait and hold things back and I'm feeling the emptiness of that.
Patrick, you cannot wait to apply. You must apply now. Did you hear something worth applying? Did it stir your heart? Did it feel as if though your heart knew that this was worthy of living for? Then you must apply now. There is no other way. If you wait until later, you will not apply. The preacher has been kind enough to till the soil of your heart and make it ready. Apply while the soil is freshly tilled. Apply today. If you wait, the soil will settle and you will apply only in part and the effect of the application will only be in part. If you have waited to apply, be encouraged! Till the soil once more and awaken your memory to what was spoken and then apply today in the fresh soil.
Did you feel stirred to pray more? Then start now. Did you feel stirred to have more time of meeting with the Lord? Then purpose a plan today and begin following it through today. Did you feel stirred to take a step of faith? Go to God today. Surrender to Him. And then step out in faith today. It must be today, Patrick, or else it will not be. God has spoken to you today. He did not wait until tomorrow to speak to you. No, he spoke to you today because he loves you today. Apply his words today for he is worthy of your heart today.
Patrick, you cannot wait to apply. You must apply now. Did you hear something worth applying? Did it stir your heart? Did it feel as if though your heart knew that this was worthy of living for? Then you must apply now. There is no other way. If you wait until later, you will not apply. The preacher has been kind enough to till the soil of your heart and make it ready. Apply while the soil is freshly tilled. Apply today. If you wait, the soil will settle and you will apply only in part and the effect of the application will only be in part. If you have waited to apply, be encouraged! Till the soil once more and awaken your memory to what was spoken and then apply today in the fresh soil.
Did you feel stirred to pray more? Then start now. Did you feel stirred to have more time of meeting with the Lord? Then purpose a plan today and begin following it through today. Did you feel stirred to take a step of faith? Go to God today. Surrender to Him. And then step out in faith today. It must be today, Patrick, or else it will not be. God has spoken to you today. He did not wait until tomorrow to speak to you. No, he spoke to you today because he loves you today. Apply his words today for he is worthy of your heart today.
Monday, February 08, 2010
How Does One Change?
What does it take to change? What does it take to turn from the steps we tread day after day until we almost walk them again without thinking? A day comes and we realize we have to change. How do you all of the sudden begin forming a new trail?
I hear talks sometimes at church, like this past Wednesday, where I feel this desire spring up within me to change and I know that in my heart, this change will bring me the joy, fulfillment, and closeness to the Lord. And then I wake up the next morning and even without thinking I am on my same trail. I `get out of bed just like yesterday and I begin walking and thinking just like yesterday. It’s frustrating and it makes me feel fake and weak at heart. Yesterday I said I wanted to change and here I am walking the same trail a week later. I need to do some thinking on this.
Here is how I naturally start thinking. I could say that I just need to start taking steps off the trail and walking. I’m not walking where I want to be and so it seems like I should just start walking off the path in the direction I want to go. I could come up with a list of the ways I want to change and start putting them into practice. And so I leave the trail and start walking off into the woods and eventually I get weary of this new trail. Without really much thinking, I end up back on the old trail because it’s so much more comfortable, especially in the midst of my weariness.
As I was praying about all this, I was shown what the problem is for me. My heart is connected to the trail and the steps that I take. No wonder it is so hard for me to form a new trail because I am forming a new trail for my heart. It’s not just a change in action but a change in heart.
So what does it take for my heart to change? I am drawn back to the day when the Spirit of the Lord first came upon my heart and breathed life. I was awakened and gave my heart to him and told him I wanted to be his. This was the first time I really prayed. And it was the Spirit that actually wrought the change in my heart, not any action of my own. So I wonder what should be different now as I long for heart-change? I can change myself on the surface, true, but I am powerless to change my own heart. To have my heart changed by the Spirit, I need to pray. I need to spend time with the Lord, before him, my heart and his heart. Then I need to take intentional steps off the trail, listening to him as I go, letting him awaken new desires for these new steps, and letting the old desires for the old steps die however much it hurts. My heart is left asking, Who is sufficient for these things?
"Not that we are sufficient in ourselves as to claim anything as coming from us, but our sufficiency is from God."
I hear talks sometimes at church, like this past Wednesday, where I feel this desire spring up within me to change and I know that in my heart, this change will bring me the joy, fulfillment, and closeness to the Lord. And then I wake up the next morning and even without thinking I am on my same trail. I `get out of bed just like yesterday and I begin walking and thinking just like yesterday. It’s frustrating and it makes me feel fake and weak at heart. Yesterday I said I wanted to change and here I am walking the same trail a week later. I need to do some thinking on this.
Here is how I naturally start thinking. I could say that I just need to start taking steps off the trail and walking. I’m not walking where I want to be and so it seems like I should just start walking off the path in the direction I want to go. I could come up with a list of the ways I want to change and start putting them into practice. And so I leave the trail and start walking off into the woods and eventually I get weary of this new trail. Without really much thinking, I end up back on the old trail because it’s so much more comfortable, especially in the midst of my weariness.
As I was praying about all this, I was shown what the problem is for me. My heart is connected to the trail and the steps that I take. No wonder it is so hard for me to form a new trail because I am forming a new trail for my heart. It’s not just a change in action but a change in heart.
So what does it take for my heart to change? I am drawn back to the day when the Spirit of the Lord first came upon my heart and breathed life. I was awakened and gave my heart to him and told him I wanted to be his. This was the first time I really prayed. And it was the Spirit that actually wrought the change in my heart, not any action of my own. So I wonder what should be different now as I long for heart-change? I can change myself on the surface, true, but I am powerless to change my own heart. To have my heart changed by the Spirit, I need to pray. I need to spend time with the Lord, before him, my heart and his heart. Then I need to take intentional steps off the trail, listening to him as I go, letting him awaken new desires for these new steps, and letting the old desires for the old steps die however much it hurts. My heart is left asking, Who is sufficient for these things?
"Not that we are sufficient in ourselves as to claim anything as coming from us, but our sufficiency is from God."
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
A Note To Self On My Birthday
"Have you realized that most of your unhappiness in life is due to the fact you are listening to yourself instead of talking to yourself? You have to take yourself in hand, you have to address yourself, preach to yourself, question yourself. You must say to your soul: 'Why art thou cast down'-what business have you to be disquieted? You must turn on yourself, upbraid yourself, condemn yourself, exhort yourself, and say to yourself: 'Hope thou in God'-instead of muttering in this depressed, unhappy way. And then you must go on to remind yourself of God, who God is, and what God is and what God has done, and what God has pledged Himself to do. Then having done that, end on this great note: defy yourself, and defy other people, and defy the devil and the whole world, and say with this man: 'I shall yet praise Him for the help of His countenance, who is also the health of my countenance and my God'."
D. Martyn Lloyd-Jones
First of all, Happy birthday Patrick! Now get out of bed already! Quit lying there and go enjoy the day! And above all else, do what the Lord told you do when you were praying this morning-enjoy Him today! Wasn't it wonderful to hear the Lord say, "Enjoy your birthday Patrick but most all, enjoy Me today!" All your springs are in Him and everything you have is from Him. You are not hopeless like you sometimes think Patrick but you have more hope than you could ever ask for because He has placed His own Spirit, Himself, inside your very body! You have hope and you have joy today Patrick and so be encouraged. Most days you would just try to stumble along in that hope and joy but today, Patrick, be encouraged to not only walk in it but to run His hope and joy! Don't think about what other people think and don't listen to the dumb voices in your head that try to calm you down and distract you. Look to your Father who rejoices over you today with singing and dancing! Strip off whatever clothes you are wearing and clothe yourself in the ones He gives you today. Now seriously, Patrick, get out of bed and let your heart be filled with a song!
D. Martyn Lloyd-Jones
First of all, Happy birthday Patrick! Now get out of bed already! Quit lying there and go enjoy the day! And above all else, do what the Lord told you do when you were praying this morning-enjoy Him today! Wasn't it wonderful to hear the Lord say, "Enjoy your birthday Patrick but most all, enjoy Me today!" All your springs are in Him and everything you have is from Him. You are not hopeless like you sometimes think Patrick but you have more hope than you could ever ask for because He has placed His own Spirit, Himself, inside your very body! You have hope and you have joy today Patrick and so be encouraged. Most days you would just try to stumble along in that hope and joy but today, Patrick, be encouraged to not only walk in it but to run His hope and joy! Don't think about what other people think and don't listen to the dumb voices in your head that try to calm you down and distract you. Look to your Father who rejoices over you today with singing and dancing! Strip off whatever clothes you are wearing and clothe yourself in the ones He gives you today. Now seriously, Patrick, get out of bed and let your heart be filled with a song!
Monday, January 18, 2010
Having Your Heart Held Together
"And he is before all things, and in him all things hold together." Colossians 1:17
I remember when I was going through a time of depression what it felt like. Thinking about it now feels like remembering a nightmare you had and even though it's daytime now you still feel a tinge of its' darkness touching you. I talked with a friend once who had been through depression. I remember her saying that God is letting you experience your own darkness. At the time, I merely thought that I am going to have think about that for a while. A year later, I think she was right. Coming out of depression is a strange thing. I think it's like a sunrise but not how you would normally think of one. You see, when the sun first starts coming up you don't feel anything at all. You know intellectually that the sun rising in front of you is supposed to be beautiful but still you don't feel anything. Then it comes, in little pieces, like little touches of electricity are starting to actually connect. There are little bits of pleasure and felt beauty but then it goes away again and you are afraid things are going to go back to the way they were. But then you feel it again and again until the sun actually makes you smile for the first time. You've smiled before in the midst of depression but it wasn't a real smile, the kind where you can't keep yourself from doing it. And as you are filled with this smile, it's like you are seeing a sunrise for the first time.
In the coming months, there are so many times like this. The first time you have a meaningful conversation again and the first time a friend makes you laugh. You can remember that these things used to happen before the depression but it doesn't matter. It all feels new.
It's not just that things are restored to the way they were before depression either. It's not like you used to laugh, then you stopped laughing, and now you laugh again. No, it's more like you used to laugh, then you didn't, and now you are truly laughing. You feel like you are laughing from the depths of your heart. Now you laugh with understanding, not only intellectually but with a heart-understanding. Now you understand why you are laughing--not just because what your friend did is really funny but because it's beautiful and they are beautiful and you know that it doesn't have to be beautiful but it is. Let me say that again. It doesn't have to be beautiful but it is.
You see, somewhere along the way in the midst of depression, you realize how weak and helpless you are. I've learned that I shouldn't shy away from that thought. If something is true but it's hard for us to face up to, that means we should think about it even if it hurts because the truth changes us and sets us free. Sometimes getting set free hurts. I could barely get out of bed in the morning. I remember driving to work and making my foot press the gas pedal down but every other fiber in my being wanted to turn around and go hide under my covers. And even hiding under my covers, all I could think was that I wanted some place deeper to hide. Each day there was nothing to look forward to, only things to dread. The only hope was that some day all this would go away but nothing in my day encouraged me in that hope. Somewhere in all this I remember thinking of that verse in the Bible where it talks about how Jesus holds all things together, that in Him all things hold together, that He is before all things, the firstborn from the dead. I remember feeling like I used to be held together but now in certain ways I wasn't being held together at all. I knew that if there was any hope for me of being restored, it would have to be in Him somehow. I knew that if He was firstborn from the dead, that maybe I could be one of the secondborn.
In my depression, I knew the truth could set me free-or atleast I hoped it could-but I didn't feel like it could. So I had to make a choice. This choice didn't have to do anything with feelings. This choice simply had to do with knowing and hoping in something I could neither see nor feel. It would be really nice if this depression was a one-day thing or even a week thing where you subject yourself to it and then it's over and you can talk with your friends about how interesting it was not to feel anything but still to make decisions you knew were the right ones. It's not like that though. You don't subject yourself. You are subjected. And it doesn't just last a day or a week but months. Months of waking up every morning, going through your day, and going to bed at night. You don't feel anything. You can just know things and it's hard because you could know you have to rip a band-aid off but once you feel it pulling against your skin, you start think that maybe you aren't supposed to rip the band-aid off after all. Your feelings are everyday trying to trick you into just leaving yourself the way you are. You'll be just fine in bed here all day. But you have to rip the band-aid every morning for months and get up. And it hurts.
I started realize somewhere in the midst of all this that I was actually being subjected by someone and that someone was God. Now that may sound really cruel and like I am accusing God for my pain. It might help if I tell you that now I'm not mad at God for making me go through all that but am actually thankful to Him. You see, I started realizing what God was doing. I had been making decisions prior to the depression that told God that I didn't really need Him. I never would have said that out loud and would have thought I was doing wonderful things like going to church and reading my Bible. I was doing these things but it was all on my terms. He didn't have my heart like someone who loves you wants your heart. Someone who loves you wants all of you heart and they don't want you to tell you how much you love them and then to spend your day loving and getting excited about other things. So He, in what I see now as kindness, let me see what I was like without Him holding me together. He still held me together in some ways. My body didn't fall apart and my mind still functioned but it was like some parts, namely my feelings, He stopped holding together. I got to see what it was like to live months of not being held together by Him.
There's a little term we use every so often called "taking things for granted". It usually happens when we used to treasure something, and even though that something or someone never lost its' worth, we stopped seeing that worth. We use the expression fairly freely and usually shortly after realizing we take something for granted, things drift back to the way they were. Things were different though going through depression. First of all, what I now see as treasure, I never really treasured to begin with. I never really treasured being held together by Jesus Christ every day. Then through depression, I realized day after day, week after week, month after month, that the only reason I used to feel stuff and laugh and cry was because He had been holding me together. So when the sunrise finally came and I started feeling little bits and pieces and then drifting back into the numbness again, I knew in the bottom of my heart that the only reason I felt any beauty from the sunrise was because it was Him holding me together. It was from Him. The smile I smiled felt like the first smile I had ever smiled because it was the first smile where I realized why I was smiling. It was completely from Him. And so in the coming days as the sun rose, I smiled for the first time, laughed for the first time, and had tears of joy for the first time. I knew in the core of my soul that I deserved none of it but He was giving it to me. This is what grace is. We use the word grace a lot and sometimes we wonder what it actually means and it just confuses us so we give up thinking about it. This is what grace is. Things don't have to be beautiful but they are. I used laugh, then I didn't laugh, and I now I laugh with grace filling my heart. I look around me and I know that this doesn't have to be beautiful but it is...because Jesus Christ is holding it together and that same Jesus Christ wants not part of my heart but all of it.
I remember when I was going through a time of depression what it felt like. Thinking about it now feels like remembering a nightmare you had and even though it's daytime now you still feel a tinge of its' darkness touching you. I talked with a friend once who had been through depression. I remember her saying that God is letting you experience your own darkness. At the time, I merely thought that I am going to have think about that for a while. A year later, I think she was right. Coming out of depression is a strange thing. I think it's like a sunrise but not how you would normally think of one. You see, when the sun first starts coming up you don't feel anything at all. You know intellectually that the sun rising in front of you is supposed to be beautiful but still you don't feel anything. Then it comes, in little pieces, like little touches of electricity are starting to actually connect. There are little bits of pleasure and felt beauty but then it goes away again and you are afraid things are going to go back to the way they were. But then you feel it again and again until the sun actually makes you smile for the first time. You've smiled before in the midst of depression but it wasn't a real smile, the kind where you can't keep yourself from doing it. And as you are filled with this smile, it's like you are seeing a sunrise for the first time.
In the coming months, there are so many times like this. The first time you have a meaningful conversation again and the first time a friend makes you laugh. You can remember that these things used to happen before the depression but it doesn't matter. It all feels new.
It's not just that things are restored to the way they were before depression either. It's not like you used to laugh, then you stopped laughing, and now you laugh again. No, it's more like you used to laugh, then you didn't, and now you are truly laughing. You feel like you are laughing from the depths of your heart. Now you laugh with understanding, not only intellectually but with a heart-understanding. Now you understand why you are laughing--not just because what your friend did is really funny but because it's beautiful and they are beautiful and you know that it doesn't have to be beautiful but it is. Let me say that again. It doesn't have to be beautiful but it is.
You see, somewhere along the way in the midst of depression, you realize how weak and helpless you are. I've learned that I shouldn't shy away from that thought. If something is true but it's hard for us to face up to, that means we should think about it even if it hurts because the truth changes us and sets us free. Sometimes getting set free hurts. I could barely get out of bed in the morning. I remember driving to work and making my foot press the gas pedal down but every other fiber in my being wanted to turn around and go hide under my covers. And even hiding under my covers, all I could think was that I wanted some place deeper to hide. Each day there was nothing to look forward to, only things to dread. The only hope was that some day all this would go away but nothing in my day encouraged me in that hope. Somewhere in all this I remember thinking of that verse in the Bible where it talks about how Jesus holds all things together, that in Him all things hold together, that He is before all things, the firstborn from the dead. I remember feeling like I used to be held together but now in certain ways I wasn't being held together at all. I knew that if there was any hope for me of being restored, it would have to be in Him somehow. I knew that if He was firstborn from the dead, that maybe I could be one of the secondborn.
In my depression, I knew the truth could set me free-or atleast I hoped it could-but I didn't feel like it could. So I had to make a choice. This choice didn't have to do anything with feelings. This choice simply had to do with knowing and hoping in something I could neither see nor feel. It would be really nice if this depression was a one-day thing or even a week thing where you subject yourself to it and then it's over and you can talk with your friends about how interesting it was not to feel anything but still to make decisions you knew were the right ones. It's not like that though. You don't subject yourself. You are subjected. And it doesn't just last a day or a week but months. Months of waking up every morning, going through your day, and going to bed at night. You don't feel anything. You can just know things and it's hard because you could know you have to rip a band-aid off but once you feel it pulling against your skin, you start think that maybe you aren't supposed to rip the band-aid off after all. Your feelings are everyday trying to trick you into just leaving yourself the way you are. You'll be just fine in bed here all day. But you have to rip the band-aid every morning for months and get up. And it hurts.
I started realize somewhere in the midst of all this that I was actually being subjected by someone and that someone was God. Now that may sound really cruel and like I am accusing God for my pain. It might help if I tell you that now I'm not mad at God for making me go through all that but am actually thankful to Him. You see, I started realizing what God was doing. I had been making decisions prior to the depression that told God that I didn't really need Him. I never would have said that out loud and would have thought I was doing wonderful things like going to church and reading my Bible. I was doing these things but it was all on my terms. He didn't have my heart like someone who loves you wants your heart. Someone who loves you wants all of you heart and they don't want you to tell you how much you love them and then to spend your day loving and getting excited about other things. So He, in what I see now as kindness, let me see what I was like without Him holding me together. He still held me together in some ways. My body didn't fall apart and my mind still functioned but it was like some parts, namely my feelings, He stopped holding together. I got to see what it was like to live months of not being held together by Him.
There's a little term we use every so often called "taking things for granted". It usually happens when we used to treasure something, and even though that something or someone never lost its' worth, we stopped seeing that worth. We use the expression fairly freely and usually shortly after realizing we take something for granted, things drift back to the way they were. Things were different though going through depression. First of all, what I now see as treasure, I never really treasured to begin with. I never really treasured being held together by Jesus Christ every day. Then through depression, I realized day after day, week after week, month after month, that the only reason I used to feel stuff and laugh and cry was because He had been holding me together. So when the sunrise finally came and I started feeling little bits and pieces and then drifting back into the numbness again, I knew in the bottom of my heart that the only reason I felt any beauty from the sunrise was because it was Him holding me together. It was from Him. The smile I smiled felt like the first smile I had ever smiled because it was the first smile where I realized why I was smiling. It was completely from Him. And so in the coming days as the sun rose, I smiled for the first time, laughed for the first time, and had tears of joy for the first time. I knew in the core of my soul that I deserved none of it but He was giving it to me. This is what grace is. We use the word grace a lot and sometimes we wonder what it actually means and it just confuses us so we give up thinking about it. This is what grace is. Things don't have to be beautiful but they are. I used laugh, then I didn't laugh, and I now I laugh with grace filling my heart. I look around me and I know that this doesn't have to be beautiful but it is...because Jesus Christ is holding it together and that same Jesus Christ wants not part of my heart but all of it.
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