A Man

Well, I was cleaning out my room tonight for a move into a new place with my friends Ray and Dan. I found a folder from one my English classes at the Academy and spent a little time reading over some stuff. Most of it wasn't worth rereading but this particular one I had completely forgotten about. I guess I'll let it speak for itself. The piece is more straightforward and upfront because the class was Women's Dramatic Literature and my teacher was a feminist. She was actually very nice but definitely a feminist. :) The guys in the class mostly responded by being overly chauvinistic so it was definitely interesting to read this in front of the class...

I'm tired of being just a guy. I want to be a man. What is a guy good for anyway? He knows all the local bartenders and could show you a good time for the night. The next morning though he's worthless. He'll stumble over dirty clothes, scratching his butt on his way to the bathroom and groan as he empties his bladder into the toilet. He can tell you some good stories, sure, but none of them are ones his mother would want to listen to. When you need advice or someone to talk to, all you get is a blank stare or a muddled reponse that leaves you more confused than before you asked. A guy is a disgrace; capable of so much but settling for so little. One minute he's sweet-talking his mom on his brand new cell phone and the next minute he's at a strip club gawking at someone else's mom. A guy is a contradiction; full of power yet living in weakness. Living for himself.
I want to be a man. Powerful, yet under control. Meek. I want hands full of purpose. Hands that don't rest lazily on my crotch but hands that are quick to reach out to others. I want to pursue, too. I want to pursue a woman; one who's not afraid to be beautiful...on the inside. One who may wear the same old dress every day but who has a heart that's come alive. I want a woman that makes me want to be more of a man. A man will promise his love to a woman in front his whole family and hers before he'll ever make empty promises under sweaty layers of bedsheets. A man will keep his promise until the day he dies.
Be a man, not to be loved but to know and love the One who created you and had to send his Son into the world to be a man for you.

Jesus Died For Me

My God when I approach your thone
And all your glory see
This is my state and this alone
That Jesus died for me.

How can a soul condemned to die
Escape your just decree?
A vile unworthy wretch am I
But Jesus died for me.

Weighed down with sin's oppressive chains
Oh, how can I get free?
No peace can all my efforts gain
But Jesus died for me.

One day I'll look upon your face
And this will be my plea
Save me by your almighty grace
For Jesus died for me.

My glorious love, redeeming love
bore all my shame on Calvary
I will forever seek his face
Because I owe Him everything.

Loving When It's Hard

"But Moses said to God, 'Who am I that I should go to Pharoah and bring the children of Israel out of Egypt?' He said, 'But I will be with you..."
Exodus 3:11-12

I feel like God would say the same to me. He places such great dreams and visions in our hearts sometimes. These are His dreams and His heart. For me it is on the everday stage where it seems to begin. As I spend time with Him and walk in His Spirit, He will begin giving me this heart for something. Right now it is learning how to love people. He gives me a large-scale vision that inspiring and shows me the magnitude of how this could radically change my life. Then He gives me opportunities in the everday small things to begin living it out.
I've been convicted recently that if I'm ever going to be trusted with the big things and fulfill the grandness of the vision, I need to be faithful in the small everyday things. This is where it gets humbling because as I think about this, I realize the contrast of my pride and my weakness. I would presume myself worthy and capable of the grand vision and yet when faced with simple everyday leaps of faith, I find myself compromising and doubting. I am like Moses and say, "Who am I?" Does God not know who I am? He made me and is giving me a vision for a reason. But my Lord is so gracious even in the midst of my doubts and fears. He says, "But I will be with you." Without Him, I realize that I I can't even accomplish the smallest thing. I can't even love in the smallest way. To step out in faith everyday, I am learning that I must simply begin and end with His promise that He is with me.

Lord, help me not to be afraid when you lead me to step out in faith but rather to know you as a trusting child with his Father.